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Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Lucifer:
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Lucifer:
The Final Exam …
There were four seniors taking Microbiology and all of them had an ‘A’ so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Butte and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn’t make it back to Montana State University in Bozeman until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
Professor Olesnicki agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day Professor Olesnicki placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page…
On the second page was written…
For 95 points:
Which Tire? _________
Lucifer:
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady,"he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash
your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Lucifer:
Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.
Off to the scale they go.
After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.
Off to the scale they go again.
This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.
Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.
Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?
“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny
Rush:
--- Quote from: Lucifer on December 15, 2018, 08:29:55 AM ---Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.
Off to the scale they go.
After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.
Off to the scale they go again.
This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.
Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.
Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?
“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny
--- End quote ---
Took me a second to get this but, hahaha!
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