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Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em

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Lucifer:
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED - THE TWIST!!!"

Lucifer:
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Lucifer:
http://hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/ssvid.mp4?_=1

Old Crow:
So I got onto this elevator and there was a woman already on, so I simply said “Merry Christmas”, and she tore into me with her, “I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in Christmas so you can just keep your words to yourself”
I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say, but realizing there would be a group of people waiting on the elevator doors to open, I quickly dropped my pants, and as the elevator door opened pull them up really quick, and said “wow, thank you lady, and a merry Christmas to you too”

Lucifer:
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they've only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.

The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.

But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.

Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

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