Man Receives Gold Medal For Standing Up First When Airplane Stops
SPORTS
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Oct 19, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

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DALLAS, TX — Airline passenger Lyle Finch defied the odds Thursday when he stood up faster than anyone else on American Airlines flight 2211 after it had come to a complete stop. Finch was subsequently awarded the gold medal to honor his incredible speed and initiative.

"They said it couldn't be done, but I proved them all wrong. Look at me, everyone! I'm standing up!" said a clearly emotional Finch. "This is for you, mom!"

According to sources, Finch trained his entire life to be the first person to stand up on the plane after it had landed and come to a complete stop. It was always his dream to be up first and ready to leave as soon as humanly possible.



"At first I did it because I hate flying and don't want to be on these terrible planes one millisecond longer than I have to," Finch reflected in an interview with ESPN's SportsCenter. "But now I do it for the kids. They need a good role model."

Commentators have reportedly questioned the purpose of honoring such a skill when it accomplishes nothing. "So he stands up first. Whoopdedoo," said another passenger. "It doesn't get him off the plane any faster. I've seen people wait a half hour to get off the plane after it stops — and they just stand there the whole time like a moron."

At publishing time, Lyle Finch signed deals with Wheaties and Nike.



https://babylonbee.com/news/man-receives-gold-medal-for-standing-up-first-when-airplane-stops

POLITICS
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Sep 5, 2023 · BabylonBee.com



WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to mounting criticism of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel's fitness to serve, the Republican party has replaced McConnell with a far more lifelike cardboard cutout of the Kentucky senator, according to sources.

"This will provide us with much more functional leadership," said GOP Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. "This cardboard cutout is a vast improvement, with its static depiction of Senator McConnell being far more lively and interactive than the real, human version. No one even noticed for over a week."

Serious questions have been raised over McConnell's competency after he suffered more than one public episode in which he fell alarmingly silent while speaking to the press. "Replacing him with a life-sized cardboard cutout will silence a lot of these critics," said a GOP insider. "While the transition will feel rather seamless during press conferences, we're expecting to get a lot more productivity and collaboration with the cardboard cutout behind the scenes."

When reached for comment, Senator McConnell responded, "................................"

Congressional Democrat leaders applauded the move while stating this would not present any change in their ability to move their legislative agenda forward. "Honestly, this cardboard cutout isn't much different than the real thing," said Senator Chuck Schumer. "We haven't skipped a beat passing our agenda with zero opposition from Republicans!"

At publishing time, a group of high-ranking government leaders were engaged in secret backroom meetings to discuss how much easier it may be to simply replace every member of Congress over the age of 65 with a cardboard cutout.

Zappa would occasionally be a judge on the Gong Show and would compliment the contestants then give them a 1 or maybe even a 0. It was hilarious.

Haha “The Gong Show”! Used to watch that.

Zappa never sold out.

I was listening to Zappa the other day! He also was a great producer. He produced ( and played on) Grand Funk’s album “Good Singin’ Good Playin’.

Liberal Dies On Toilet While Awaiting CDC Guidance On How To Wipe
HEALTH
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Aug 26, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
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SEATTLE, WA — Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.

"I kept telling him to just go for it," said housemate Ronald Mills. "Jonathan just wouldn't take the risk."

Officials say Mr. Seymour became severely dehydrated as he refused to move from the toilet for either food or water. "What am I supposed to do??" cried Mr. Seymour, desperate for guidance. "I can't to do this alone! Front to back? Back to front? Folded or unfolded? How many squares? Speak to me, Fauci!"

Sadly, bereft of instruction from the CDC, Mr. Seymour remained on the commode until his untimely passing. "It's really tragic," said Mr. Mills. "No one should ever die because they don't know how to wipe. I promise you this, I will not rest until the CDC issues guidance on how a person is supposed to wipe their butt. If I can save just one person from dying on the toilet, it feels like Jonathan's death will have meant something."

Texted my United buddy and ragged him. Then he tells me and his girlfriend are watching porn lol. Told him you should be making porn, not watching it! He’s such a slut!

Miss old Joan Rivers! Joan said this back in 2014:

CNN) -- Who needs Fourth of July fireworks when you have Joan Rivers around?
The comedian known for her lack of self-censoring recently officiated a same-sex wedding and was asked by a photographer if she believed the United States would ever see the first gay or female president. Her response was typical Rivers.

"We already have it with Obama, so let's just calm down," she said. "You know Michelle (Obama) is a trans."
When asked to further explain Rivers said, "A transgender. We all know it."
A representative for Rivers released the following statement to CNN from the comic about her remarks to the photographer:
"I think it's a compliment. She's so attractive, tall, with a beautiful body, great face, does great makeup. Take a look and go back to La Cage Au Follies (sic). The most gorgeous women are transgender. Stop it already ... and if you want to talk about 'politically correct,' I think this is a 'politically incorrect' attack on me because I'm old, Jewish, a woman and a 'hetty' -- a heteosexual ... and I plan to sue the reporter who, when he turned off his camera, tried to touch me inappropriately on the a** - luckily he hit my ankle. Read the book ... if you think that's silly, wait to (sic) you see what I say about FDR and Eleanor!"

Rivers is no stranger to controversy. In March 2013 she refused to apologize for a joke she made about the dress "Project Runway" host Heidi Klum wore to the Academy Awards.
"The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens," Rivers said while appearing on the E! channel's "Fashion Police" show.
The Anti-Defamation League slammed Rivers, calling the remark "vulgar and hideous," but she said it was her way of getting people to talk.
"It's a joke, No. 1. No. 2 it is about the Holocaust," she told HLN's "Showbiz Tonight. "This is the way I remind people about the Holocaust. I do it through humor."
Of course, this latest dust-up coincides with Rivers' book, "Diary of a Mad Diva," which was released on July 1. Rivers' representative told CNN, "These are all funny jokes. The book is hysterical. The prologue says if anyone takes anything in the book seriously (he or she) is an idiot. And (Rivers) says if anyone has a problem with that, they can feel free to call her lawyer Clarence Darrow."



What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? Undocumented democrats.

Barack Obama is on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The Country!

Why can't Obama dance? Cause he has two leftist feet.

Biden Put Down After Biting Another Baby
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-put-down-after-biting-another-baby

Secret Service Says Eight-Ball Of Cocaine Found In Courtroom Chair Hunter Was Sitting In Probably Left By Tour Group
https://babylonbee.com/news/secret-service-says-crack-found-in-courtroom-chair-hunter-was-sitting-in-probably-left-by-tour-group

Hunter Biden Plea Deal Falls Through After Bribery Check Bounces
POLITICS
https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-plea-deal-falls-through-after-bribery-check-bounces