Post by: Lucifer on December 13, 2018, 05:25:02 PM
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Post by: Lucifer on December 14, 2018, 02:45:42 PM
There were four seniors taking Microbiology and all of them had an ‘A’ so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Butte and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn’t make it back to Montana State University in Bozeman until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
Professor Olesnicki agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day Professor Olesnicki placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page…
On the second page was written…
For 95 points:
Which Tire? _________
Post by: Lucifer on December 14, 2018, 04:37:49 PM
tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady,"he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash
your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Post by: Lucifer on December 15, 2018, 08:29:55 AM
Off to the scale they go.
After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.
Off to the scale they go again.
This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.
Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.
Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?
“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny
Post by: Rush on December 15, 2018, 09:57:27 AM
Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.
Off to the scale they go.
After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.
Off to the scale they go again.
This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.
Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.
Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?
“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny
Took me a second to get this but, hahaha!
Post by: Lucifer on December 16, 2018, 06:28:04 PM
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED - THE TWIST!!!"
Post by: Lucifer on December 16, 2018, 06:59:14 PM
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2018, 10:34:17 AM
Post by: Old Crow on December 22, 2018, 07:07:04 PM
I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say, but realizing there would be a group of people waiting on the elevator doors to open, I quickly dropped my pants, and as the elevator door opened pull them up really quick, and said “wow, thank you lady, and a merry Christmas to you too”
Post by: Lucifer on December 22, 2018, 07:24:11 PM
He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.
The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.
But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.
Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:
"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Post by: Lucifer on December 23, 2018, 07:27:42 PM
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
Post by: Jim Logajan on December 25, 2018, 12:02:38 PM
A: Because he likes to be on top.
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Q. What's the difference between Santa and Donald Trump?
A. Santa limits himself to three hos.
Post by: Old Crow on December 25, 2018, 05:50:36 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 25, 2018, 05:53:31 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 03, 2019, 07:24:09 AM
Post by: Lucifer on January 05, 2019, 06:45:08 PM
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
“Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!”
Post by: Lucifer on January 14, 2019, 07:39:00 PM
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Post by: Old Crow on January 15, 2019, 08:09:02 PM
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Post by: Lucifer on January 15, 2019, 08:47:38 PM
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Post by: Lucifer on January 16, 2019, 05:51:40 PM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Post by: Lucifer on January 19, 2019, 12:13:35 PM
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Post by: Rush on January 19, 2019, 02:25:40 PM
Nothing. So he moved closer, about 15 feet, and said, "Can you hear me?" Again, no response.
So he moved to 10 feet away and said again, "Can you hear me?"
Still no answer. So he moved in to about 5 feet from her back and said once more, "Can you hear me?" This time his wife turned around and said, "I already said 'yes' three times!"
Post by: Lucifer on January 19, 2019, 02:34:00 PM
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.
Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Post by: Old Crow on January 21, 2019, 09:58:24 AM
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
Post by: Anthony on January 21, 2019, 10:20:22 AM
Funny!
Post by: Number7 on January 21, 2019, 11:44:03 AM
Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
If it didn’t have so much truth it’s wouldn’t be as funny.
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2019, 12:59:08 PM
The Rabbi is leaving
At the regular Saturday morning service, the Rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said, "fuck him!"
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2019, 04:00:56 PM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week..
Post by: Lucifer on January 28, 2019, 02:31:37 PM
Pelosi opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Pelosi was baffled, so she e-mailed it to Chuck Shumer. Shumer and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Jim Comey couldn't could solve it at the FBI, so it went to John Brennan at the CIA without luck.
They then sent it to to the NSA. Jim Clapper also had no clue as to its meaning so the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Pelosi she's holding the message upside down."
Post by: Lucifer on January 28, 2019, 02:32:51 PM
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young
man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir; God will provide," replied the fiancé The conversation
proceeded like this . . . and each time the father questioned, the young
idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
Post by: Old Crow on January 28, 2019, 06:11:22 PM
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when a TSA employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
Too much truth to this to be a joke...
Post by: nddons on January 28, 2019, 07:03:12 PM
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.This joke thread would be funnier if you don’t add true stories. Except for getting the manager, the McDonalds story actually happened to me.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when a TSA employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
Too much truth to this to be a joke...
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:18:26 PM
1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:21:02 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:22:34 PM
The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Post by: Lucifer on February 05, 2019, 07:53:09 PM
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2019, 09:54:45 AM
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but
surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
"Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.
Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor.
"Wait two week. Fall off by itself.
Post by: Lucifer on February 06, 2019, 04:34:22 PM
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In the 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In the 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit ? Yes or No
4. Teaching Math In the 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 2018
(a) A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of just $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
(b) Topic for class participation after answering question (a):
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
Please note: There are no wrong answers - feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.
(Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam, there are counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.)
6. Teaching Math In 2050
هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب100 دولار. تكلفةالإنتاج هو80 دولاراً. كيف
Post by: Jim Logajan on February 06, 2019, 06:26:45 PM
;D
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2019, 06:30:07 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 06, 2019, 08:13:48 PM
That’s why I am an English major. Story problems never give you enough information.
Post by: bflynn on February 06, 2019, 08:43:00 PM
I need to know the sexual orientation of the logger for Steingar.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 07, 2019, 08:05:50 AM
;D
Post by: nddons on February 07, 2019, 10:29:10 AM
Oh man. That’s a CLASSIC! I miss Monty Python. It would be great now but the humorless masses would not understand it.
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 11:15:20 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 11:22:15 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 07, 2019, 01:36:53 PM
Post by: bflynn on February 07, 2019, 04:58:18 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=986)
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 07, 2019, 05:57:43 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 07:46:28 PM
I'll let you know.
Post by: Lucifer on February 09, 2019, 05:14:11 PM
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the future congresswoman that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
Cortez replies, “I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Democrat bimbo sitting in First Class, she belongs in Economy and she won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to Ocasio-Cortez and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to Economy.
Ocasio-Cortez replies, “I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the future congresswoman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a Democrat Socialist? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a liberal. I speak socialist.”
He goes back to the Democrat and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” She then gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.”I told her, ‘First Class isn’t going to DC.’
Post by: Lucifer on February 10, 2019, 07:33:23 AM
AOC looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Sandy replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as Sandy placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Sandy was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Sandy replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
Post by: Old Crow on February 10, 2019, 07:55:35 PM
https://twitter.com/OzzyManReviews/status/1086224450918334469
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 11, 2019, 06:43:12 AM
Crank up the sound.Laughing through tears here! Priceless! That’s soooo exactly illustrates that if we can’t laugh at ourselves, everything just gets worse.
https://twitter.com/OzzyManReviews/status/1086224450918334469
Post by: Lucifer on February 11, 2019, 05:19:07 PM
Have lots of old paint cans in the garage, half full? Maybe some other rubbish that you would like to throw out, but don't want to go through the pain of finding a place to dispose of it?
No problem! Save those empty "Amazon" boxes. Then simply take the paint cans and place them in the box, tape them shut and place on your front porch. Within a couple of days they'll be gone. Problem solved!
Thank me later.
Post by: Old Crow on February 11, 2019, 08:18:28 PM
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
Post by: Old Crow on February 18, 2019, 08:42:50 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 18, 2019, 04:54:35 PM
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Post by: Old Crow on February 18, 2019, 07:20:09 PM
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Post by: Mr Pou on February 19, 2019, 06:04:10 AM
"No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
I just want to know where I can get two steak dinners for $32.62??
Post by: bflynn on February 19, 2019, 08:06:03 AM
I just want to know where I can get two steak dinners for $32.62??
Golden Corral?
Post by: Mr Pou on February 19, 2019, 11:34:45 AM
Golden Corral?
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...
Post by: Rush on February 21, 2019, 06:52:57 AM
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that’s the government’s job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Drink in proper pubs.
Americans: Drink in soulless bars with big TVs.
Canadians: Drink in places that look like proper British pubs from the outside but feel like soulless American bars inside.
Australians: Think none of this matters as long as beer is served.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd.
Americans: Think that all these people are American!
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey and hockey
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Australians: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Post by: Old Crow on February 22, 2019, 08:08:38 PM
The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it
protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a
‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very
hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire
Body,”
The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have
on your feet?”
“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must
understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are
also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son…”
“Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
Post by: texasag93 on February 22, 2019, 08:12:50 PM
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it
protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a
‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very
hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire
Body,”
The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have
on your feet?”
“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must
understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are
also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son…”
“Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
Why, dad, do you have a goat in the back yard when you have a wife?
Post by: Jim Logajan on February 23, 2019, 01:36:21 AM
“Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
“Mosquitoes.”
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:48:54 AM
He said, "I want you to try, and sell this to me."
So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my cell phone, and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200, and it's yours."
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:49:56 AM
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:52:16 AM
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is." They walk up to the house and knock on the door. "Come on in," a voice in the house says. The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?" "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that." "Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return." "Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says. The genie smiles. "Consider it done." "And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you." The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room. When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?" "31," she replies. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2019, 08:26:45 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 03, 2019, 06:34:21 AM
Pants won’t pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
Can’t get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
Can’t use 2 hands to eat while driving.
They don’t get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
Don’t have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
Motorcycles don’t have air conditioning.
They can’t afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated in gender studies.
They are allergic to fresh air.
Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch screen.
You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
It’s too hard to take selfies while riding.
They don’t come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
Motorcycles don’t have power steering or power brakes.
Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
They would need to upgrade before the in transit expired.
It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
Post by: Lucifer on March 03, 2019, 06:36:29 AM
Post by: Rush on March 04, 2019, 07:23:57 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/ir.jpg?fit=1000%2C750)
I actually only saw a guy reading a book. Until I came back to this post the next day. I really need to get out more.
Post by: Anthony on March 04, 2019, 09:54:08 AM
I actually only saw a guy reading a book. Until I came back to this post the next day. I really need to get out more.
You've just been married too long. Lol!
Post by: Old Crow on March 05, 2019, 03:33:04 PM
If I like my baby can I keep my baby?
Got other questions?
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 05, 2019, 03:49:08 PM
When the Democrats hold their Presidential debate I wonder what questions should be asked. One that pops into my mind isThis whole thread.
If I like my baby can I keep my baby?
Got other questions?
http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?topic=3282.0
Post by: Rush on March 06, 2019, 01:04:25 PM
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 06:05:51 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2019, 06:40:11 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.
Just above the smilies, there is a box with a picture. Click on it and you will see two "img" boxes appear. Place your link inside.
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 06:45:48 AM
Just above the smilies, there is a box with a picture. Click on it and you will see two "img" boxes appear. Place your link inside.
The picture isn't a link, I upload it from my machine. So you have to upload your pic to a website hosting it in order to put it in the body of the text?
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2019, 06:52:46 AM
The picture isn't a link, I upload it from my machine. So you have to upload your pic to a website hosting it in order to put it in the body of the text?
Appears that way. I've never uploaded straight from my computer (I didn't know we could)
Post by: Anthony on March 07, 2019, 10:07:45 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.
Is that you Rush?
:)
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 10:27:00 AM
Is that you Rush?
:)
Oh hell no, I'm much sexier than that.
Post by: Number7 on March 07, 2019, 04:32:28 PM
President Corey 'Spartacus' Booker...
and Vice President Mad Maxine Waters
Post by: Lucifer on March 16, 2019, 04:39:47 PM
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her.’
The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’
The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet, the door opened slowly, and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
‘Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,’ he panted. ‘I had to do it the hard way.
Post by: Lucifer on March 16, 2019, 04:44:09 PM
The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner, who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!” So, Barack shrugs and says, “Well, if it will help my poll numbers.” He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.
The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You were right. I would have never believed that!” Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.
The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!”
Post by: nddons on March 18, 2019, 08:49:57 PM
Democrat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Cortez is considering introducing legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.
“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Kamala Harris.
“We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the Toyota plant in Georgetown, KY due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”.
“This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”
This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Kamala Harris, Maxine Waters, Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren & Nancy Pelosi........ all Americans With No Abilities whatsoever.
Post by: Lucifer on March 21, 2019, 08:05:51 PM
“What is the definition of a dilemma?"
The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to
illustrate that.”
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused
naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other.”
“Who are you going to turn your back on???
Post by: Lucifer on April 02, 2019, 03:26:44 AM
The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.
" Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Post by: Anthony on April 02, 2019, 04:17:04 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.
Rush, A "friend" of mine wants her phone number. Do you have it? :)
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2019, 06:07:49 PM
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘ GOOD GRIEF- WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:34:06 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:35:23 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:39:05 AM
Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Bernie Sanders fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a Bernie Sanders fan?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a conservative.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a conservative.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom’s a conservative, and my dad’s a conservative, so I’m a conservative.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”
Little Johnny replied, “A Bernie Sanders’ fan.”
Post by: bflynn on April 05, 2019, 12:33:19 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1033)
Post by: Lucifer on April 06, 2019, 05:59:58 AM
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
Post by: Lucifer on April 06, 2019, 06:00:41 AM
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Post by: NippleBoy on April 06, 2019, 10:19:36 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1035)
Post by: Lucifer on April 07, 2019, 05:33:38 AM
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Post by: Old Crow on April 08, 2019, 03:32:42 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 08, 2019, 03:39:52 PM
No one. Nada.
Post by: nddons on April 08, 2019, 03:59:39 PM
Ever notice NO ONE has come forward and said they were sexually harassed by Hillary.No one has to say it, but look at his picture:
No one. Nada.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190408/58bc8406682b7f8a32da136749f52390.jpg)
Post by: Lucifer on April 08, 2019, 04:01:18 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 11, 2019, 02:34:55 PM
“Yeah, but look at it,” Dominick says. “It’s starting to rust, the tires are almost bald, and it’s got like 90,000 miles on it. Nobody’s gonna give me any money for a Fiat with 90,000 miles on it.”
“Tell you what I can do,” Tony says. “This is just between you and me, but I could roll back your odometer. That way you could maybe get at least a few hundred bucks for it.”
Dominick agrees and gives Tony $20 to roll back the odometer.
Two weeks later Dominick comes by and asks Tony to top off the oil on the Fiat. Tony looks at the car and says, “I thought you was gonna trade this car in. What are ya doin’ still driving it??”
“Trade it in??” says Dominick. “Are you nuts? This car’s only got 30,000 miles on it!”
Post by: Lucifer on April 12, 2019, 11:58:41 AM
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Post by: Lucifer on April 12, 2019, 12:00:11 PM
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Way more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
Post by: Old Crow on April 15, 2019, 02:02:15 PM
Post by: nddons on April 15, 2019, 03:04:09 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190415/77ccc004b722144a027fee6af718677a.jpg)
Post by: bflynn on April 15, 2019, 06:42:58 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1041)
Post by: Lucifer on April 26, 2019, 05:25:02 PM
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! *Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoosh! flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”
Post by: Lucifer on April 28, 2019, 01:11:07 PM
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
Post by: Lucifer on May 03, 2019, 09:38:25 AM
2 – If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry, USA.
3 – The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.
4 – Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you’d know it.
5 – When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.
6 – The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.
7 – I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms. While we’re at it, let’s do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter I.D, and Candidates running for office.
8 – You don’t need a smoke detector; that’s what the fire department is for. Now…if you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don’t need a gun.
9 – Folks keep talking about another Civil War. One side knows how to shoot and probably has a trillion bullets. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use. Now tell me, how do you think that’s going to end?
Post by: Lucifer on May 05, 2019, 05:28:42 AM
An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:
"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Post by: asechrest on May 05, 2019, 09:52:34 AM
My Roomba escaped
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1041)
The best joke is always in the comments!
Post by: Old Crow on May 09, 2019, 02:25:46 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm2QByefy8o&t=133s
Post by: Lucifer on May 10, 2019, 06:20:48 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 10, 2019, 07:33:34 AM
Post by: Lucifer on May 10, 2019, 11:37:00 AM
Post by: Lucifer on May 30, 2019, 05:49:28 PM
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Post by: Lucifer on May 31, 2019, 05:40:18 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:10:31 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:22:22 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:22:51 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:25:48 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 08:02:34 PM
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Post by: Lucifer on June 09, 2019, 06:10:35 AM
Post by: Mase on June 09, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:19:42 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:20:26 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:24:45 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 14, 2019, 08:27:15 AM
Post by: Old Crow on June 20, 2019, 04:22:01 PM
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.
When he asked her if she was okay, Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour, at least it seemed that way to her. It actually had been 15 minutes. She blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
From the back seat a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.
Post by: texasag93 on June 20, 2019, 05:14:16 PM
He was getting his own place because was getting a divorce.
When we were at his house his ex wife was there, she was friendly seemed pretty pleasant about the whole thing.
When we left his house I asked him why he was getting a divorce.
He said because he likes his women the same way he likes his coffee... not full of dicks...
Post by: Mase on June 20, 2019, 06:53:40 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 22, 2019, 06:12:10 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 30, 2019, 06:39:43 AM
Dick got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Dick replied, “I wasn’t…”
Post by: NippleBoy on July 03, 2019, 06:45:44 AM
I just spend the last few minutes reading etsisk's facebook page. I think I'm liberaled out for the next 10 years or so.
Oh, I've had my fill of cat videos as well.
Post by: Lucifer on July 03, 2019, 02:34:44 PM
Post by: Anthony on July 03, 2019, 02:55:09 PM
Post by: Old Crow on July 07, 2019, 02:25:49 PM
New Mexico Chili Cook off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico ..
Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT .... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Post by: Lucifer on July 13, 2019, 06:22:01 AM
Post by: Old Crow on July 13, 2019, 10:41:28 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0nZ1mDUOg8&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1RlGClcyyWnQ-Uk3-NRQn6SILl2xuJiQ3ClZ0Nw5RcnWouTukwnab7vfQ
Post by: Rush on July 13, 2019, 01:39:50 PM
Don't know if this is a joke or not but it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0nZ1mDUOg8&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1RlGClcyyWnQ-Uk3-NRQn6SILl2xuJiQ3ClZ0Nw5RcnWouTukwnab7vfQ
Yep it’s churning just east of me.
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:04:33 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:05:10 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:05:39 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:10:19 PM
Post by: bflynn on August 02, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
Post by: Lucifer on August 08, 2019, 06:31:35 PM
Post by: Lucifer on August 09, 2019, 11:46:06 AM
This one is a little different.
Two Different Versions … Two Different Morals
OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’
Occupy the Anthill stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.
Then Reverend Al Sharpton has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview on The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant leaving him nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on August 09, 2019, 12:10:47 PM
Post by: Lucifer on August 09, 2019, 12:15:37 PM
I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.She replies,
“The bigger they are, the dumber the man is”.
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
“Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets”.
Post by: Lucifer on August 11, 2019, 06:30:58 PM
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By August 22, 2019
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step - with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Walmart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During Programming
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thurs beginning at 7:00 PM.
Pending availability of qualified faculty, there may be another class added: Are 20 pillows on 1 bed really necessary? Group discussion!
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on August 12, 2019, 03:28:22 AM
or is that a graduate-level course?
Post by: Lucifer on August 29, 2019, 06:09:01 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 22, 2019, 06:37:14 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 22, 2019, 06:43:39 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-19-at-10.38.06-AM.png?resize=446%2C600&ssl=1)
(https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-18-at-8.59.19-PM.png?resize=457%2C600&ssl=1)
(https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-16-at-8.15.50-PM.png?resize=600%2C377&ssl=1)
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2019, 02:48:38 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/a-white7.jpg?w=458)
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 20, 2019, 07:15:42 AM
My friend’s husband told her, “If I turn into a liberal, just turn me loose up in Goat Rocks.”
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on October 20, 2019, 05:24:33 PM
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Post by: texasag93 on October 21, 2019, 07:59:17 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 27, 2019, 06:15:18 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 27, 2019, 06:17:05 PM
Post by: Old Crow on November 07, 2019, 01:00:34 PM
Post by: Old Crow on November 08, 2019, 07:44:14 PM
It Snowed Last Night..
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes
Post by: Lucifer on November 09, 2019, 06:30:43 AM
Post by: Number7 on November 09, 2019, 07:39:25 AM
I Don't Care Who You Are.... That There Was FUNNY!
Post by: Rush on November 09, 2019, 09:21:07 AM
I Don't Care Who You Are.... That There Was FUNNY!
I did not see that coming.
Post by: Lucifer on November 11, 2019, 06:58:39 AM
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure buddy, I hear that every day No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Donald Trump tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other???
"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind."
By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
"Have a safe trip back to Chicago."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?
"The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 13, 2019, 12:38:40 PM
https://www.gocomics.com/closetohome/2019/11/13
Post by: texasag93 on November 15, 2019, 10:11:56 AM
Post by: bflynn on November 15, 2019, 10:47:16 AM
Post by: Number7 on November 15, 2019, 01:56:32 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1244)
Is that a joke, or the most current affairs and news?
Post by: Old Crow on November 16, 2019, 11:40:17 AM
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
Post by: Lucifer on November 17, 2019, 11:34:57 AM
Post by: bflynn on November 22, 2019, 09:03:31 AM
That means their car models are now
S
3
X
Y
Post by: Little Joe on November 22, 2019, 09:33:01 AM
So, Tesla has announced their new model Y.Which was their well known plan all along. Actuallly, the "3" was originally supposed to be an "E". I"m not sure why he chickened out of that.
That means their car models are now
S
3
X
Y
Post by: bflynn on November 22, 2019, 02:13:58 PM
Post by: Rush on November 22, 2019, 03:26:25 PM
3 is "leetspeak" for E
w0rd
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2019, 08:10:23 AM
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2019, 02:50:18 PM
“I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”.
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
“I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Post by: Mase on November 26, 2019, 03:08:35 PM
Post by: Number7 on November 26, 2019, 06:11:42 PM
Guaranteed to make kristen cry and steingar lose his already insane mind.
Post by: texasag93 on November 27, 2019, 08:00:07 AM
Post by: Number7 on November 27, 2019, 08:01:15 AM
.(http://)
That’s gonna leave a mark.
Post by: Old Crow on November 29, 2019, 11:06:35 AM
(Here's something to think about.)
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Post by: Old Crow on November 29, 2019, 01:17:19 PM
Post by: Rush on November 29, 2019, 01:55:59 PM
Anyone have this problem?
Ironically that looks like some of the houses around here (Port Neches TPC explosion). It's been an "interesting" Thanksgiving.
Post by: nddons on December 05, 2019, 08:10:01 PM
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=mr+clinton+kildepstein&qs=n&sp=-1&pq=mr+clinton+kildepstein&sc=0-22&sk=&cvid=BB882D06A7D04D01919E4A9DD0FE6DB8&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dmr%2bclinton%2bkildepstein%26qs%3dn%26form%3dQBLH%26sp%3d-1%26pq%3dmr%2bclinton%2bkildepstein%26sc%3d0-22%26sk%3d%26cvid%3dBB882D06A7D04D01919E4A9DD0FE6DB8&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=25B32FA98B1A72D33EDE25B32FA98B1A72D33EDE&FORM=WRVORC
Post by: Lucifer on December 06, 2019, 03:17:37 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 06, 2019, 03:20:45 PM
The clerk gave him a disgusted look and said, "We only have regular porn, sicko".
Post by: texasag93 on December 07, 2019, 03:38:38 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 07, 2019, 06:12:32 PM
Post by: texasag93 on December 11, 2019, 02:05:29 PM
Post by: Old Crow on December 15, 2019, 08:25:57 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:39:14 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:40:16 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:41:05 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:47:10 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:49:14 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:53:04 PM
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”
“You’re on.”
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
“Where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“OK.”
At age 52 they meet and play again.
“So where you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice”
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age 82 they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“Okay, let’s give it a try.”
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:58:23 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith..
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted
Post by: bflynn on December 22, 2019, 11:40:37 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1281)
Post by: Lucifer on January 01, 2020, 06:44:11 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 01, 2020, 06:44:48 PM
Post by: Mase on January 13, 2020, 10:19:42 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 17, 2020, 06:54:53 AM
Post by: Rush on January 23, 2020, 08:38:56 AM
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:15:08 AM
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:17:04 AM
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:17:45 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 24, 2020, 06:36:55 AM
Post by: Rush on January 24, 2020, 07:05:58 AM
Adam Schiff
Even worse of a joke, the way MSM reported on him. Wow, one of the best most profound elegant speeches ever made!
Post by: Little Joe on January 24, 2020, 07:33:04 AM
Even worse of a joke, the way MSM reported on him. Wow, one of the best most profound elegant speeches ever made!I was listening to CNN in my car yesterday and I heard something that I never thought I'd hear on that station. I wish I knew who it was talking.
He said (paraphrasing) that when he was listening to Schiff, he was shaking his head up and down and agreeing with him. But then when he heard the Rs rebutting him, he said he thought to himself; wow, they have a good point too. So it is easy to go back and forth if you have an open mind.
I'd like to know who he was because I can't believe CNN will allow someone with an open mind back on their show.
(sorry, this wasn't a joke).
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 09:10:03 AM
Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Obama:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am former President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”
Cashier:
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama:
“I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”
Cashier:
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
Post by: Rush on January 24, 2020, 10:18:59 AM
I was listening to CNN in my car yesterday and I heard something that I never thought I'd hear on that station. I wish I knew who it was talking.
He said (paraphrasing) that when he was listening to Schiff, he was shaking his head up and down and agreeing with him. But then when he heard the Rs rebutting him, he said he thought to himself; wow, they have a good point too. So it is easy to go back and forth if you have an open mind.
I'd like to know who he was because I can't believe CNN will allow someone with an open mind back on their show.
(sorry, this wasn't a joke).
Wow! You were probably having an auditory hallucination.
Post by: nddons on January 24, 2020, 11:27:51 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 25, 2020, 08:56:23 AM
Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.
Post by: Anthony on January 25, 2020, 09:15:34 AM
Post by: Number7 on January 25, 2020, 12:12:24 PM
I reposted the Kung Flu meme to several places and just came back here to post it. Then I realized that this is where I got it from.
Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.
:)
Post by: Little Joe on January 25, 2020, 01:05:10 PM
I reposted the Kung Flu meme to several places and just came back here to post it. Then I realized that this is where I got it from.You will have to examine those marbles closely to make sure they are yours.
Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.
Post by: Lucifer on January 25, 2020, 06:49:24 PM
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Don’t mess with old people!
Post by: Lucifer on February 14, 2020, 06:06:33 PM
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She said, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He said, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He said, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She said, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he said.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and said, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asked,
“Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”
He replied, “Yes, Ma’am.
The rod and reel is $20.00,
but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”
She paid the bill.
Post by: texasag93 on February 16, 2020, 10:20:16 AM
Post by: Old Crow on February 17, 2020, 09:47:09 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 20, 2020, 01:27:56 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2020, 07:44:24 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2020, 08:03:32 AM
Post by: Old Crow on February 23, 2020, 11:57:01 AM
Post by: bflynn on February 27, 2020, 08:04:50 PM
Post by: Username on February 28, 2020, 07:57:47 AM
Today at DisneyWorld, a boat in the Jungle Cruise ride sank in the middle of the ride.Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games
We got everything you want honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey we got your disease
Post by: texasag93 on March 02, 2020, 07:38:18 AM
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2020, 07:44:47 AM
They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”
Post by: Anthony on March 02, 2020, 08:05:19 AM
^^^^ That is wonderful.
They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”
Also, make another note. We have to amend the Hot/Crazy chick graph (matrix) to include Vegan chicks with the Strippers, and Hair Dressers. I guess Vegans will be next for me.
Post by: nddons on March 02, 2020, 05:47:04 PM
^^^^ That is wonderful.https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rsmd7
They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2020, 06:55:56 PM
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rsmd7
LOVE it!!!!
Post by: Anthony on March 02, 2020, 07:17:58 PM
Post by: Rush on March 03, 2020, 06:47:24 AM
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on March 03, 2020, 10:17:02 AM
Well I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Post by: Anthony on March 03, 2020, 10:38:13 AM
Post by: texasag93 on March 03, 2020, 05:49:20 PM
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2020, 07:14:59 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 06:31:56 AM
Post by: Old Crow on March 08, 2020, 07:40:30 AM
Post by: Rush on March 08, 2020, 07:52:00 AM
Post by: Anthony on March 08, 2020, 08:01:18 AM
But are they real?
They're real if you can touch them and see them. I would probably return to church if she was in attendance. I may catch fire, but it would be worth it.
Post by: texasag93 on March 08, 2020, 08:12:18 AM
But are they real?
At her age, with the way they are pointing, are certainly real.
I will add that they are real dangerous.
Post by: texasag93 on March 08, 2020, 08:15:46 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 11:00:02 AM
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.
He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”
“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 11:03:53 AM
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 11, 2020, 01:25:41 AM
MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—From his seaside mansion, former president Barack Obama announced today that he is formally passing ownership of the stock market and economy on to President Trump.
"All the gains were mine -- Trump didn't build that -- but this crash is all on Trump," Obama said as he admired the ocean, which will consume his home in fewer than twelve years. "My responsibility for the great economic gains in this country ended the moment the stocks started to tank this morning."
The former president said that he does reserve the right to reverse his stance and reclaim credit for any economic gains realized after the market turns around, whenever that may be.
"As soon as this thing stabilizes, I'll be there, claiming credit for things I didn't do."
Obama also assured panicked Americans that if they like their economy, they can keep their economy.
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 04:02:03 AM
https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-walks-back-comments-about-being-responsible-for-the-stock-market
MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—From his seaside mansion, former president Barack Obama announced today that he is formally passing ownership of the stock market and economy on to President Trump.
"All the gains were mine -- Trump didn't build that -- but this crash is all on Trump," Obama said as he admired the ocean, which will consume his home in fewer than twelve years. "My responsibility for the great economic gains in this country ended the moment the stocks started to tank this morning."
The former president said that he does reserve the right to reverse his stance and reclaim credit for any economic gains realized after the market turns around, whenever that may be.
"As soon as this thing stabilizes, I'll be there, claiming credit for things I didn't do."
Obama also assured panicked Americans that if they like their economy, they can keep their economy.
As for the tanking economy, I’m getting ready to send $thousands of the cash I have lying around to my broker today to ask him to buy buy buy. I’m pretty risk averse too, so take that to indicate my confidence in Trump’s economy.
Post by: Anthony on March 11, 2020, 04:23:55 AM
As for the tanking economy, I’m getting ready to send $thousands of the cash I have lying around to my broker today to ask him to buy buy buy. I’m pretty risk averse too, so take that to indicate my confidence in Trump’s economy.
Markets always over sell due to emotion, and we are getting to that point, so I would take that bet also. The Virus is temporary and the oil trade war between Russia and Saudi is temporary. In a few weeks China will be back cranking at full capacity and the demand for oil will go back to where it was.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on March 11, 2020, 04:39:00 AM
It has been interesting to watch the market, up a thousand, down a thousand, rinse, repeat. Futures are down right now.
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 05:12:55 AM
Markets always over sell due to emotion, and we are getting to that point, so I would take that bet also. The Virus is temporary and the oil trade war between Russia and Saudi is temporary. In a few weeks China will be back cranking at full capacity and the demand for oil will go back to where it was.
Egggzactly!!
Post by: Lucifer on March 11, 2020, 11:28:07 AM
him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells Stormy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
Post by: Lucifer on March 11, 2020, 11:29:39 AM
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
Post by: Anthony on March 11, 2020, 11:38:18 AM
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama
Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
^^^^^How do you know all this about my life, and why are you spying on me? ???!!!!!
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 12:27:44 PM
^^^^^How do you know all this about my life, and why are you spying on me? ???!!!!!
That represents a lot of us. Our kids must have been in their late 20s before we admitted to them we had moved in together before our wedding, if we even have yet. ;D
Post by: Old Crow on March 13, 2020, 01:59:39 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on March 14, 2020, 10:27:30 AM
Walking back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles is something I hope I never have to do again.
Post by: Lucifer on March 14, 2020, 10:31:46 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 14, 2020, 04:50:59 PM
Post by: texasag93 on March 15, 2020, 08:41:10 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 15, 2020, 11:16:43 AM
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess."
Post by: texasag93 on March 15, 2020, 02:09:39 PM
Post by: Old Crow on March 19, 2020, 09:18:13 AM
Post by: texasag93 on March 25, 2020, 04:10:31 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1377;image)
Post by: Lucifer on March 25, 2020, 04:52:43 PM
How do I make the picture full size?
Are you uploading from your computer or are you copying from a website?
Post by: texasag93 on March 26, 2020, 05:47:28 AM
Post by: bflynn on March 26, 2020, 05:57:16 AM
Post by: bflynn on March 26, 2020, 06:00:55 AM
How do I make the picture full size?
What I do is post the picture, copy the link of the full image, then edit the post and paste the link inside img tags (2nd row of buttons, first button).
Post by: texasag93 on March 26, 2020, 03:11:25 PM
Post by: Lucifer on March 27, 2020, 05:41:06 AM
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam,"replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the
first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL! "replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown
would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown
congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed
and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
Post by: texasag93 on March 27, 2020, 04:30:33 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1384;image)
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on March 27, 2020, 04:47:14 PM
Too soon?
yup
Post by: Anthony on March 27, 2020, 07:17:27 PM
Too soon?
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1384;image)
Well I have no class, so that is fine for me. ;D
Post by: texasag93 on March 28, 2020, 09:05:52 AM
Post by: jb1842 on March 28, 2020, 11:47:58 AM
Well I have no class, so that is fine for me. ;D
Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.
Yes, I am probably going to hell
Post by: Lucifer on March 28, 2020, 12:28:08 PM
Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.
Yes, I am probably going to hell
Bring a six pack and some pizzas when you do...
Post by: Rush on March 28, 2020, 02:20:35 PM
Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.
Yes, I am probably going to hell
I appreciate extremely dark humor. Sometimes in secret, between myself and one other person, at a funeral or something. Where only we two "get it" because only we two knew him that closely. And he would have found it hilarious too.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on March 28, 2020, 02:20:48 PM
Bring a six pack and some pizzas when you do...
pizza, who knew pizza would be so popular...
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on March 29, 2020, 10:41:53 AM
Post by: texasag93 on March 29, 2020, 12:19:21 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on March 29, 2020, 02:08:50 PM
Post by: Rush on April 01, 2020, 04:49:47 PM
Great job getting around YouTube's robot censors.
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on April 01, 2020, 05:35:39 PM
Also, I need to change my deadbolts out for something less penetrable.
Post by: Rush on April 02, 2020, 04:51:24 AM
I have a love/hate relationship with YT.
Also, I need to change my deadbolts out for something less penetrable.
Youtube has become tyrannical. You can’t say the word “rape” or “cocaine” or “heroin” or even “SJW” or they restrict you or demonetize you. They are out and out censoring political views too. But you can find so much on yt like clips of old movies or shows or videos of how to do stuff, I have love/hate with it too.
Post by: bflynn on April 02, 2020, 06:55:28 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 02, 2020, 06:56:51 AM
Spoiler. He wasn't really talking about locks.
Are you a turtle?
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 07:07:33 AM
Apologizing they said they could not do it.
They can not figure out how to make a respirator leak oil..
Post by: Anthony on April 02, 2020, 07:11:54 AM
The Queen asked British auto makers to make respirators.
Apologizing they said they could not do it.
They can not figure out how to make a respirator leak oil..
Couldn't get the electrical systems right either. I had two MG's years ago. One wouldn't run when it rained, the other one would ONLY run when it rained, so I was able to get around. ;D
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 03:14:00 PM
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 04:31:53 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:50:23 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:50:52 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:53:22 PM
Post by: Number7 on April 04, 2020, 07:00:04 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:06:14 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/me10.jpg?w=720&ssl=1)
Ahhhhhh!!!! Web Hubbel's daughter has the worst of both!
Post by: Lucifer on April 04, 2020, 07:12:22 AM
Ahhhhhh!!!! Web Hubbel's daughter has the worst of both!
She is a spot on ringer for old Web, isn't she?
(https://i.imgur.com/No2tLN1.jpeg)
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:26:56 AM
She is a spot on ringer for old Web, isn't she?
(https://i.imgur.com/No2tLN1.jpeg)
Ugh. We need to balance this out with some good looking "women".
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b9/98/79/b99879849e9621977ccce1671cd37907.jpg)
Better now? ;D
Post by: Little Joe on April 04, 2020, 07:35:20 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:40:48 AM
I still hate you.
OK, just for you! :)
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8c/a0/6d/8ca06d835ff2e5e282599a0b40bdec1f.jpg)
Post by: Little Joe on April 04, 2020, 08:26:43 AM
Thanks.
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 09:16:15 AM
Much better. I have been wanting to see a picture of Rush.
Thanks.
This is Rush.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c6/c5/6c/c6c56c4a896d72d896d4d12daf982b72.jpg)
Or this. You decide.
(https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.jGvqkfhZyYPTYWuSMamhAAHaEK&pid=Api&rs=1)
Post by: Lucifer on April 04, 2020, 09:23:20 AM
(https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201675f7d2e9f970b-pi)
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 09:29:35 AM
For Joe
(https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201675f7d2e9f970b-pi)
Also for Joe.
(https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.KkzHh1LTtxNCOai6A4KSQwHaE8&pid=Api&rs=1)
(https://img.thedailybeast.com/image/upload/v1492785677/articles/2013/04/29/barbara-boxer-s-biased-bill/boxer-letter-openz_g6opsh.jpg)
Post by: Rush on April 05, 2020, 01:43:56 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 05, 2020, 02:44:40 AM
3 something a.m. and can’t sleep as usual these days. And these are making me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.
Well I am usually up early, but this is a bit early even for me. :)
Post by: texasag93 on April 05, 2020, 08:15:38 AM
Post by: texasag93 on April 07, 2020, 03:28:23 PM
Post by: Number7 on April 07, 2020, 05:37:06 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2020/04/full-25466-225207-xo4qkulk.png)
It would also work for steingar.
He’s as deluded as joe.
Post by: Lucifer on April 10, 2020, 04:42:51 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 10, 2020, 04:56:02 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 10, 2020, 04:58:23 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 10, 2020, 05:00:50 AM
Post by: texasag93 on April 12, 2020, 09:19:26 AM
Post by: Rush on April 12, 2020, 09:24:00 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 12, 2020, 09:34:42 AM
Post by: Old Crow on April 15, 2020, 02:57:21 AM
Post by: Mr Pou on April 15, 2020, 05:03:36 AM
That's pure awesome there! Humour that's a little dirty but without foul language.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 16, 2020, 09:37:27 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 16, 2020, 09:38:03 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 16, 2020, 09:38:32 AM
Post by: bflynn on April 16, 2020, 07:13:55 PM
Post by: Rush on April 22, 2020, 07:40:16 AM
This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says, "I want to be a movie star. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you must change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER ... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You said I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Post by: texasag93 on April 23, 2020, 06:31:37 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 24, 2020, 05:09:49 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 24, 2020, 05:10:38 AM
Post by: texasag93 on April 26, 2020, 06:51:59 AM
Post by: texasag93 on April 26, 2020, 06:29:43 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on April 27, 2020, 04:39:30 AM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2020/04/full-3152-228120-1_1_1_1_1_problem.jpg)
That hits a little close to home for some friends of mine who always let their children run like wild wolves. Our child was taught from early on that she was to respect herself and respect others and their things.
Post by: texasag93 on April 27, 2020, 11:20:29 AM
Post by: texasag93 on April 27, 2020, 05:12:29 PM
Post by: texasag93 on April 30, 2020, 09:40:08 AM
Texan hands his drink back to the stewardess, she says "What's wrong?"
He says, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Post by: Jim Logajan on May 03, 2020, 11:19:00 AM
Post by: texasag93 on May 05, 2020, 10:21:29 AM
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope you trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope your trip is pleasant and relaxing." As the mother begins to smile, the child added, " For those of you who are pizzed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bi**h in the kitchen."
Post by: texasag93 on May 06, 2020, 03:09:14 PM
Post by: Old Crow on May 07, 2020, 07:46:15 AM
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing,
and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons wanted to "put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
Post by: texasag93 on May 08, 2020, 06:49:02 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 08, 2020, 02:30:39 PM
Post by: texasag93 on May 09, 2020, 08:12:56 AM
Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them is a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he looks in the mirror and sees a black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?????"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
Broken coffee table - $239.00, hot breakfast - $4.20, two aspirin - .38; saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!!!!
Post by: Anthony on May 09, 2020, 08:16:52 AM
"Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"
I would have said that exact same thing!!!
Post by: Little Joe on May 09, 2020, 08:26:17 AM
I would have said that exact same thing!!!Are you married? Again?
Post by: Anthony on May 09, 2020, 08:30:10 AM
Are you married? Again?
No. I'm just shy.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on May 13, 2020, 04:45:00 AM
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big-wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap & pee at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality, it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point, I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
Damn, I think as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop & pee and with my balls on my chest I think Oh God, please die pleeeeze die.
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas.
It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.
1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. Poop & pee when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something because it was better than new after that.
7. My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
Post by: Mase on May 16, 2020, 01:36:55 PM
Post by: Lucifer on May 17, 2020, 06:14:15 AM
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Boudreaux & Thibodeaux replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Boudreaux said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Thibodeaux said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Boudreaux & Thibodeaux at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Thibodeaux said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Boudreaux said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 06:40:17 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 06:42:12 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 06:44:16 AM
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_3xyJDLYT0Bg/TEUaxdtNt7I/AAAAAAAAGDo/apoZZH2CGo0/s1600/michelle+obama+gag+me+so+ugly.jpg)
VS
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8c/a0/6d/8ca06d835ff2e5e282599a0b40bdec1f.jpg)
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 06:49:09 AM
Post by: texasag93 on May 17, 2020, 08:04:07 AM
;D
Post by: texasag93 on May 17, 2020, 08:07:59 AM
An elderly cop walks up and taps on the driver's window.
The driver rolls it down, and the trooper whacks the driver in the head with his nightstick.
"Ow!" says the driver. "Why did you do that?"
The old trooper says, "You're in Texas son. When I pull you over you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The old trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back then walks around to the other side of the car and taps on the passenger's window.
The passenger rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him with his nightstick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What did you do that for:"
The old trooper says, "Just making sure your wish comes true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, 'I wish that a$$hole would've tried that with me!"
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 08:15:02 AM
I get the other pictures of jokes, but why do you have MT on the joke thread?
;D
Just for comparison purposes. >:(
Post by: Anthony on May 17, 2020, 10:39:31 AM
Post by: Lucifer on May 19, 2020, 11:53:09 AM
Post by: jb1842 on May 19, 2020, 11:56:40 AM
(http://clubsearay.com/index.php?attachments/7c6560c1-17d9-4d1a-9edb-d6f096b8563c-jpeg.84174/)
My nieghbors would love those. Found out Saturday that the neighbor next door is a bit of a nudist. She gets drinking, it all comes off.
Post by: nddons on May 19, 2020, 12:18:36 PM
My nieghbors would love those. Found out Saturday that the neighbor next door is a bit of a nudist. She gets drinking, it all comes off.Pictures or it didn’t happen. You know the rules.
Post by: Old Crow on May 19, 2020, 12:40:25 PM
My nieghbors would love those. Found out Saturday that the neighbor next door is a bit of a nudist. She gets drinking, it all comes off.Personal observation??? ;D
Post by: Lucifer on May 19, 2020, 12:52:35 PM
Pictures or it didn’t happen. You know the rules.
Here ya go. He PM'd me the photo, but since you asked..........
(https://criticalmassrides.info/img/370904.jpg)
Post by: Mr Pou on May 19, 2020, 01:04:23 PM
Post by: nddons on May 19, 2020, 01:14:25 PM
Need a substitute picture to pop up.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200519/e1d7d43b0797692ea6a584d6d00d3dbe.jpg)
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 19, 2020, 01:25:48 PM
phew.
Post by: jb1842 on May 19, 2020, 01:30:09 PM
Personal observation??? ;D
Yep. Could never tell she had 3 kids. My wife tried to help her get dressed, but it took awhile. Thought for sure when she was in our house later she was going to strip down and jump in our hot tub.
Post by: Anthony on May 19, 2020, 01:30:32 PM
;D
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 19, 2020, 01:54:25 PM
BAN LUCIFER! >:(
;D
I've got an image scrubber. Give me a couple of rolls of TP and it's yours.
;D
Post by: texasag93 on May 20, 2020, 04:54:55 PM
No doubt lucifer is the epitome of evil.
Need a substitute picture to pop up.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200519/e1d7d43b0797692ea6a584d6d00d3dbe.jpg)
That lady has legs all the way up to her butt!
;)
Post by: Anthony on May 21, 2020, 04:48:56 AM
Post by: texasag93 on May 21, 2020, 09:54:11 AM
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on TV with the vibrator vibrating away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied........
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Post by: Username on May 26, 2020, 05:55:56 AM
Post by: texasag93 on May 31, 2020, 02:36:12 PM
The next day the grandfather died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in touch with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee and staring at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting."
Post by: texasag93 on June 01, 2020, 10:53:25 AM
Very funny, old people don't get angry, but if needed, they will get even.
I was in the McDonald's drive-through the other morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay. "Wow. Take the high road," I thought to myself. So, I paid for her food too.
As I moved up, she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I had paid for her food order. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it - it was mine!
Now she has to go back through the line again and wait even longer. She's gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.
Post by: Lucifer on June 04, 2020, 04:07:04 PM
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, “Ontario”.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Post by: texasag93 on June 08, 2020, 10:07:14 AM
Post by: texasag93 on June 10, 2020, 10:30:50 AM
When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 12, 2020, 01:38:59 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 18, 2020, 10:30:47 AM
(I wonder if someone will report it and have it removed)
Post by: Ron22 on June 24, 2020, 07:53:24 AM
Got a speeding ticket near a Dennys. Do I burn down the Dennys or steal a TV. This new normal stuff is confusing
I'm glad I'm not going through life as someone who is offended by pancake syrup. That must be tough.
Are we purchasing school clothes or more alcohol in August. Asking for a friend.
Lady at the store said I should wear a mask. I said "I should probable be wearing underwear too, but here we are"
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 24, 2020, 05:08:19 PM
Post by: Ron22 on June 26, 2020, 11:57:35 AM
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
Post by: Old Crow on July 02, 2020, 04:20:42 AM
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
Post by: Anthony on July 09, 2020, 08:20:15 AM
Post by: Little Joe on July 09, 2020, 08:37:27 AM
(https://forum.pafoa.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=134392&stc=1&d=1594282128)'
funniest joke yet!
Post by: Lucifer on July 10, 2020, 09:19:17 AM
“Well, Child,… Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get all our stuff, you know… like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, …you know. That’s Socialism.
“But, mama, don’t the white people get pissed off about that?
“Sure they do, Honey. That’s called Racism.”
Post by: texasag93 on July 10, 2020, 04:36:01 PM
Post by: Old Crow on July 11, 2020, 05:34:38 AM
Here are two Different Versions of the story
OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide a video of the shivering grasshopper
next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table loaded with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is caused to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green'
“Occupy the Anthill” stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome. Then Reverend Al Sharpton has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview on The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having; nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper
and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest
of the free world with it.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2020.
Post by: Mase on July 14, 2020, 06:50:09 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 16, 2020, 09:23:18 AM
Enroute he engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He is going at it as well as he can for giy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "how am I doing??"
The prostitute replies, "Well, old fella, you're doing about three knots...."
"Three knots" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"
She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back..."
Post by: texasag93 on July 19, 2020, 08:28:20 AM
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’
Post by: texasag93 on July 19, 2020, 05:59:15 PM
Post by: Little Joe on July 19, 2020, 06:16:01 PM
I can't unsee that.
Post by: Lucifer on July 22, 2020, 05:24:23 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on July 23, 2020, 07:53:51 AM
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Post by: Little Joe on July 23, 2020, 07:56:11 AM
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.Except for the last part, that isn't funny. It is one of my pet peeves.
Post by: bflynn on July 23, 2020, 07:35:40 PM
A wife decides to have a logical conversation with her husband in order to get him to change his habits.
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually three.
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: I pay $5, including the tip.
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5, and you have three beers a day, so you spend $450 monthly. In one year, that would be about $5400, correct?
Husband: I guess, sure.
Wife: Not accounting for inflation, this means your spending over the past 20 years is about $108,000 correct?
Husband: Ok.
Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a savings account, and with interest compounding over that time, you could now have bought an airplane?
Husband: No kidding. Do you drink beer?
Wife: No.
Husband: Where’s your airplane?
Post by: texasag93 on July 24, 2020, 12:17:28 PM
Post by: texasag93 on July 28, 2020, 05:13:44 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on July 28, 2020, 06:40:24 PM
Post by: Old Crow on July 28, 2020, 06:54:43 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 31, 2020, 06:06:47 AM
Post by: texasag93 on August 02, 2020, 11:01:27 AM
Post by: Mase on August 04, 2020, 08:19:50 PM
Post by: Lucifer on August 05, 2020, 01:42:47 PM
Post by: Anthony on August 05, 2020, 01:48:34 PM
Post by: nddons on August 06, 2020, 10:18:49 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200806/07650000218705a948b65bb87e1681c8.jpg)
Post by: Lucifer on August 09, 2020, 06:31:04 AM
Post by: Old Crow on August 12, 2020, 04:47:18 AM
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Post by: Number7 on August 12, 2020, 09:26:09 AM
Thanks for the giggle.
Post by: Lucifer on August 12, 2020, 11:32:10 AM
Post by: Mr Pou on September 02, 2020, 07:54:22 AM
Post by: texasag93 on September 03, 2020, 04:30:15 PM
I have warned you.............
A man is working at a sex toy store when a brunette walks in. She asks him how much for the black sex toy? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white sex toy? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a sex toy? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one. She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says oh thats a very special one, thats $250. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no dildos but i sold your thermos for $250.
Post by: Old Crow on September 06, 2020, 11:28:07 AM
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things. You live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!!
Post by: jb1842 on September 08, 2020, 02:16:26 PM
Post by: nddons on September 08, 2020, 02:29:30 PM
Post by: texasag93 on September 08, 2020, 03:29:20 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200908/876528e328038171e87b2d0ab8334459.jpg)
Biden did not feel right about it either.
Post by: nddons on September 10, 2020, 11:43:57 AM
Post by: Number7 on September 10, 2020, 01:43:37 PM
They might as well not be for all I care.
Post by: Old Crow on September 15, 2020, 09:17:36 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 15, 2020, 09:24:21 AM
Post by: Jim Logajan on September 15, 2020, 10:40:35 AM
Post by: Mase on September 15, 2020, 03:05:48 PM
......................
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on September 16, 2020, 11:49:46 AM
Post by: nddons on September 17, 2020, 11:56:11 AM
So compassionate....Ha! That’s awesome.
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:21:38 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:22:06 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:22:36 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:23:05 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:23:37 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:25:12 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:25:55 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 06:26:25 AM
Post by: Mase on September 18, 2020, 12:30:43 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/tb28-2.jpg?w=605&ssl=1)
Fake news:
http://wlos.com/news/local/asheville-restaurant-says-trump-special-photo-is-a-fake
Post by: nddons on September 18, 2020, 12:40:18 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 18, 2020, 12:50:10 PM
Fake news:
http://wlos.com/news/local/asheville-restaurant-says-trump-special-photo-is-a-fake
No sense of humor, huh?
Post by: texasag93 on September 18, 2020, 06:57:59 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/tb10-1.jpg?w=500&ssl=1)
What kind of MAN lets a gold chain go in his crack while wearing a dress and bent over?
Post by: Rush on September 18, 2020, 08:03:03 PM
What kind of MAN lets a gold chain go in his crack while wearing a dress and bent over?
A very kinky one.
Post by: nddons on September 19, 2020, 03:51:44 PM
Post by: nddons on September 19, 2020, 03:52:08 PM
Post by: texasag93 on September 19, 2020, 07:10:23 PM
I cannot like that post or quote it.
Post by: Rush on September 20, 2020, 04:50:29 AM
I cannot like that post or quote it.
You mean literally the buttons don’t work? Website glitch? Clear your cache? Restart your device?
Post by: Lucifer on September 20, 2020, 05:37:01 AM
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him, that’s the last thing I need.
This is so disappointing. CNN reported today that Walt Disney’s new film called Jet Black, the African-American version of Snow White, has been cancelled. All the Seven dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive-By, Homeboy & Shank have refused to sing Hi Ho Hi Ho because they say it offends Black Prostitutes. They also say they’re ain’t no way in hell they’re gonna sing “It’s Off To Work We Go”.
The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.
100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh how the stables have turned.
Post by: Lucifer on September 20, 2020, 05:37:41 AM
The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
The man looks up and says….
“Apparently my wife does.”
Post by: texasag93 on September 20, 2020, 07:18:45 AM
You mean literally the buttons don’t work? Website glitch? Clear your cache? Restart your device?
Not literally. There is no BARF emoji for me to use. ;D
Post by: Rush on September 20, 2020, 08:18:20 AM
Not literally. There is no BARF emoji for me to use. ;D
Oooooo I see, ha!
Post by: texasag93 on September 21, 2020, 09:26:18 PM
Post by: bflynn on September 22, 2020, 05:26:05 AM
No, those sub finders were next to useless. ;D
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 22, 2020, 07:45:08 AM
Hahaha...
No, those sub finders were next to useless. ;D
but if the sub was close to the surface....
Post by: Lucifer on September 24, 2020, 06:35:31 AM
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
Post by: Mase on September 26, 2020, 01:55:56 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 26, 2020, 06:05:26 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 26, 2020, 06:05:53 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 26, 2020, 06:15:54 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 26, 2020, 06:19:37 PM
Post by: Rush on September 27, 2020, 01:40:35 PM
He picked me up in a Cobra Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “Am I smelling something?” sort of way. More like a “Is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of my dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re …”
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
Post by: nddons on September 28, 2020, 07:56:36 AM
You paint a pretty picture Rush!
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/vWDrezW0rMjmM/giphy.gif)
Post by: Rush on September 28, 2020, 08:51:54 AM
“...sorry about the fart, love the shoes!”
You paint a pretty picture Rush!
Just to be clear, that is NOT me. I shamelessly lifted it from some unknown author.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 28, 2020, 09:03:34 AM
Just to be clear, that is NOT me. I shamelessly lifted it from some unknown author.
hmmmm. How many believe Rush?
:)
Post by: Rush on September 28, 2020, 12:41:21 PM
hmmmm. How many believe Rush?
:)
It’s not me! The only thing I have in common with that woman is my boobs are magnificent enough to outweigh my gaseous emissions. At least my husband seems to think so. ;D
Post by: Anthony on September 28, 2020, 01:41:09 PM
It’s not me! The only thing I have in common with that woman is my boobs are magnificent enough to outweigh my gaseous emissions. At least my husband seems to think so. ;D
Several of my wives had magnificent boobs and no gas emissions (that I ever knew about) and I still divorced them all! ;D
Post by: Rush on September 28, 2020, 02:20:55 PM
Several of my wives had magnificent boobs and no gas emissions (that I ever knew about) and I still divorced them all! ;D
You always manage to make my day even if I’m in a really bad mood.
Post by: Little Joe on September 28, 2020, 03:12:22 PM
Several of my wives had magnificent boobs and no gas emissions (that I ever knew about) and I still divorced them all! ;DBut did any of them have any brain emissions? Brains and boobs make a wonderful combination.
Rush has brains too.
Post by: Rush on September 28, 2020, 03:20:23 PM
But did any of them have any brain emissions? Brains and boobs make a wonderful combination.
Rush has brains too.
Awwwwww gee whiz now my bad mood is getting better. The nap helped...
Post by: Anthony on September 28, 2020, 05:28:40 PM
But did any of them have any brain emissions? Brains and boobs make a wonderful combination.
Rush has brains too.
Well Rush and I assume Becky, although I've never met her, are pretty special women and are very rare. I've met Rush and she is spectacular in every way.
Post by: nddons on September 28, 2020, 05:57:34 PM
Well Rush and I assume Becky, although I've never met her, are pretty special women and are very rare. I've met Rush and she is spectacular in every way.Pictures or it didn’t happen.
Post by: Rush on September 28, 2020, 07:06:40 PM
Pictures or it didn’t happen.
Unfortunately I don't think either Anthony or I took pics?
Post by: Mr Pou on September 29, 2020, 05:22:07 AM
Pictures or it didn’t happen.
I'm not Anthony, but at a flyin a long long time ago:
Post by: Anthony on September 29, 2020, 06:22:36 AM
I'm not Anthony, but at a flyin a long long time ago:
That's great! Yes, it was a very long time ago at a fly in, maybe that one where I met Rush and Mr. Rush.
Is that Williamsburg, KJGG?
Post by: nddons on September 29, 2020, 06:32:57 AM
I'm not Anthony, but at a flyin a long long time ago:So who’s in the picture?
Post by: Username on September 29, 2020, 06:47:30 AM
Post by: Rush on September 29, 2020, 07:00:59 AM
That's great! Yes, it was a very long time ago at a fly in, maybe that one where I met Rush and Mr. Rush.
Is that Williamsburg, KJGG?
Is that the one Ron Levy was at and twirled his plane for us?
Post by: Anthony on September 29, 2020, 07:04:40 AM
Is that the one Ron Levy was at and twirled his plane for us?
I'm thinking it may be. I may have still had my Cherokee at that point, pre Tiger. 2000? 2001? I only had the Cherokee for two years before I bought the Tiger, so maybe not.
Just to clarify, I am NOT in the photo that was posted by Mr Pou.
Post by: Jim Logajan on September 29, 2020, 07:48:57 AM
I'm not Anthony, but at a flyin a long long time ago:
Can you ID everyone in the picture for those of us who’ve never met them?
Post by: Little Joe on September 29, 2020, 08:09:50 AM
Post by: Jim Logajan on September 29, 2020, 08:24:15 AM
I'm thinking Rush is the little blonde girl sitting in the woman's lap on the left.
Since I believe Rush and I are about the same age, I must say she aged better than I!
Post by: nddons on September 29, 2020, 09:06:17 AM
Post by: nddons on September 29, 2020, 09:09:22 AM
I'm thinking it may be. I may have still had my Cherokee at that point, pre Tiger. 2000? 2001? I only had the Cherokee for two years before I bought the Tiger, so maybe not.Is that your son with the t-shirt that says “I fart in your general direction”?
Just to clarify, I am NOT in the photo that was posted by Mr Pou.
Post by: Anthony on September 29, 2020, 09:21:12 AM
Is that your son with the t-shirt that says “I fart in your general direction”?
Well I didn't expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on September 29, 2020, 04:40:58 PM
Well Rush and I assume Becky, although I've never met her, are pretty special women and are very rare. I've met Rush and she is spectacular in every way.I assure you I am quite spectacular, but did you have to say I was special in the JOKE THREAD?
“C’mon, man!”
😡
Post by: Lucifer on October 02, 2020, 04:28:29 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 02, 2020, 04:29:39 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 02, 2020, 05:39:50 AM
Post by: bflynn on October 08, 2020, 05:57:16 AM
The bartender says 'Hey, you can't bring that horse in here!".
AOC says "It's not a horse, silly! It is a dog."
The bartender says "I was talking to the dog."
Post by: Lucifer on October 17, 2020, 04:11:27 PM
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
Post by: Little Joe on October 17, 2020, 04:42:28 PM
But his elbow started to develop a deep ache that got worse as time went on. So he went to his doctor.
The doctor told him he could diagnose anything through a urine sample, but the sample had to be taken first thing in the morning. So he gave John a collection bottle and asked him to fill it up in the morning and bring it back as soon as possible.
John went home, but he didn't believe the doctor could diagnose a sore elbow with a urine sample. So he thought he'd try to test the doctor. He had his wife, his son, his daughter and even his dog pee in the cup. And to top it off, he masturbated into it.
Then after breakfast he took the sample and dropped it off at his doctor's office.
Around noon the doctor called and John smugly asked if he had a diagnosis.
The doctor hemmed and hawed, and coughed a bit before saying:
"Well, it looks like you son is gay,
your daughter is pregnant,
Your wife has the clap,
and you dog has the mange.
And if you don't stop jerking off, you will never get rid of that tennis elbow".
Post by: TimRB on October 17, 2020, 07:29:08 PM
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."
The format
of that joke
is
completely
fucked
up.
Tim
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 18, 2020, 06:59:03 AM
Remember all the top-post
It could have been worse.
complain
I don't think people should
The format
of that joke
is
completely
fucked
up.
Tim
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2020, 07:17:30 AM
The format
of that joke
is
completely
fucked
up.
Tim
replies in Usenet?
Remember all the top-post
It could have been worse.
complain
I don't think people should
(https://images.ctfassets.net/oqcgx0hzeqgm/54zerdcvuZhsXa9A8zns0n/d3bb06b97c710f8c0762cf3a9f2a4c09/nitpicking-elf.jpg)
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on October 18, 2020, 04:46:34 PM
That's great! Yes, it was a very long time ago at a fly in, maybe that one where I met Rush and Mr. Rush.
Is that Williamsburg, KJGG?
I don't think there are any palm trees at JGG... :o
Post by: Rush on October 18, 2020, 05:51:59 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 20, 2020, 05:32:56 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 24, 2020, 04:41:40 PM
Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car, closed all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.
Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.
A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
Post by: Lucifer on October 24, 2020, 04:50:50 PM
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!”
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights – in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. ”
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter…
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 25, 2020, 04:16:31 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 28, 2020, 11:47:43 AM
Post by: Old Crow on October 28, 2020, 12:53:17 PM
Post by: nddons on October 28, 2020, 01:16:14 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on November 12, 2020, 09:11:59 AM
Post by: Lucifer on November 27, 2020, 07:43:35 AM
Post by: texasag93 on December 02, 2020, 08:24:56 AM
Post by: nddons on December 02, 2020, 12:16:43 PM
Post by: nddons on December 13, 2020, 10:30:13 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20201214/8e13c090c9517391a33f04420def8bf1.jpg)
Post by: Lucifer on December 18, 2020, 07:42:45 AM
Post by: Lucifer on December 18, 2020, 04:00:14 PM
Due to the current situation caused by the Corona Virus in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers of 55 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Member of Congress, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
~Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
Post by: Lucifer on December 28, 2020, 06:25:02 AM
Joey says, “A computer.”
The teacher replies, “That would be very useful.”
Jenny says, “A new lawn mower.”
The teacher again replies, “That would also be very useful.”
Little Johnny pops up and says, “At my house we don't need anything!”
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies,
“No, I'm sure we don't. When Biden was elected, I clearly remember my dad saying, ‘Well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!’”
Post by: Lucifer on January 01, 2021, 09:15:48 AM
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
"We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow.
What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception in our village.”
Post by: nddons on January 05, 2021, 10:38:47 PM
Post by: texasag93 on January 07, 2021, 05:43:11 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210106/8ed3c8521b7314998b01080d94734a97.jpg)
It should say....
A MAN and A WOMAN
Even this dumb Aggie knows singular versus plural and spacing.
Post by: nddons on January 08, 2021, 02:21:27 PM
It should say....Did this dumb Aggie not hear the Reverend congressman close the invocation in Congress by saying “amen” and “awomen”? That’s the joke.(https://media3.giphy.com/media/jXD7kFLwudbBC/giphy.gif)
A MAN and A WOMAN
Even this dumb Aggie knows singular versus plural and spacing.
Post by: Lucifer on January 08, 2021, 02:29:22 PM
Post by: Little Joe on January 08, 2021, 02:30:47 PM
You know we've gone over the edge when a joke thread is being fact checked.Or proofed for grammar.
Post by: nddons on January 08, 2021, 02:32:29 PM
You know we've gone over the edge when a joke thread is being fact checked.Especially when the fucking title is “Joke Thread.”
Maybe he’s auditioning to be a Facebook Fact Checker. Smh.
Post by: Jim Logajan on January 08, 2021, 03:13:04 PM
You know we've gone over the edge when a joke thread is being fact checked.
Some jokes here are pretty damn funny.
Some need this kind of help:
(https://media.giphy.com/media/1gArwncRlXac8GIhNy8/giphy.gif)
The rest deserve this fate:
(https://media.tenor.com/images/7fc058bdc3acf68643df887f29c76e48/tenor.gif)
Post by: Lucifer on January 08, 2021, 03:16:56 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 08, 2021, 03:22:05 PM
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Post by: Lucifer on January 09, 2021, 05:26:04 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 09, 2021, 05:28:43 PM
Post by: Rush on January 09, 2021, 07:09:35 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/elect20.jpg?w=469&ssl=1)
Don’t make me look at that. I vomited enough last night. IRL.
Post by: Number7 on January 09, 2021, 08:10:02 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/elect20.jpg?w=469&ssl=1)
Pedophile Joe and the ho, ho, ho...
Post by: nddons on January 12, 2021, 03:35:03 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on January 12, 2021, 04:18:47 PM
Don’t make me look at that. I vomited enough last night. IRL.
That’s not good. Hope you are doing better.
Post by: Lucifer on January 18, 2021, 05:43:26 PM
But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek.
The young woman was alarmed.
"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Post by: Rush on January 19, 2021, 04:47:34 AM
That’s not good. Hope you are doing better.
Thanks, sorry I missed this til now. I’m fine, I was supplementing with niacin and took too much. Apparently that’s one of the side effects. You learn something new every day.
Post by: Jim Logajan on January 19, 2021, 10:17:42 AM
Thanks, sorry I missed this til now. I’m fine, I was supplementing with niacin and took too much. Apparently that’s one of the side effects. You learn something new every day.
Interesting - worst I’ve gotten from a large dose is the niacin flush. I take a B complex supplement from Life Extension because the advise I’ve seen is to take them together in certain ratios.
(http://lowres.jantoo.com/health-beauty-vitamin_c-b_complex-complexes-analyst-vitamin-33231044_low.jpg)
Post by: Rush on January 19, 2021, 02:55:50 PM
Interesting - worst I’ve gotten from a large dose is the niacin flush. I take a B complex supplement from Life Extension because the advise I’ve seen is to take them together in certain ratios.
(http://lowres.jantoo.com/health-beauty-vitamin_c-b_complex-complexes-analyst-vitamin-33231044_low.jpg)
Haha!
It’s a big subject. But yes they should be taken in certain ratios. I only got the flush in the past too but had quit taking it and then for some reason decided to resume it at my previous high dose, forgetting that I had gradually increased it before. Then on top of that I also had one hard cider. I hardly ever drink alcohol, and alcohol exacerbates the niacin effect. The two together must have overwhelmed my system.
Post by: Lucifer on January 22, 2021, 05:36:12 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2021, 06:52:55 AM
Post by: Lucifer on January 25, 2021, 03:20:28 PM
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration :
"HECK! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Post by: texasag93 on January 26, 2021, 03:14:02 PM
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ARSE?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
Post by: Lucifer on January 27, 2021, 09:28:42 AM
Post by: nddons on January 30, 2021, 09:11:28 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 30, 2021, 09:15:11 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210130/2ad58c2f13070e7bf09f8d340e98662e.jpg)
and even just a chance of a dusting results in a run on snow shovels...
Post by: nddons on January 30, 2021, 09:55:16 AM
and even just a chance of a dusting results in a run on snow shovels...Lol. I lived in Charlotte and I agree. Milk, eggs and bread were gone from store shelves, so southerners must make a lot of French toast during snow storms.
Here everyone is properly stocked for equipment. It’s the consumables we stock up on. We are forecast for 5”-9” of snow tonight so I’m
Making a bourbon and beer run shortly.
Post by: Rush on January 30, 2021, 10:39:13 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 30, 2021, 11:17:43 AM
Still can't figure out how to make this picture big in the post.
click on it?
Post by: Lucifer on January 30, 2021, 11:31:24 AM
Still can't figure out how to make this picture big in the post.
Upload your file as normal and post. Once posted, click on thumbnail to expand pic. Once expanded, right click post and select image address. Copy, then modify your post using the picture (img) button.
Post by: texasag93 on January 30, 2021, 02:39:54 PM
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher stopped, rolled down the window of his pickup and shouted: "Trink das Wasser nicht, die Kühe haben Scheiße drin!"
This means: 'Don't drink that water, the cows have crapped in it!'
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and I'm down here to campaign for the Democratic National Committee. I didn't understand you. Speak in English, please."
The rancher replied: "You can drink more water using both hands."
Post by: Rush on January 30, 2021, 03:56:06 PM
Upload your file as normal and post. Once posted, click on thumbnail to expand pic. Once expanded, right click post and select image address. Copy, then modify your post using the picture (img) button.
Thank you! I know why I keep forgetting this. I usually use my iPad and I can't right click with my iPad. I have to go to a desktop to do it.
Post by: Lucifer on January 31, 2021, 01:23:58 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 31, 2021, 06:43:31 PM
After a bit, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to the temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for several minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said: “Sure beasts a ham sandwich, doesn't it?“
Post by: nddons on February 01, 2021, 01:58:56 PM
Post by: bflynn on February 04, 2021, 12:26:06 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1835)
Post by: texasag93 on February 18, 2021, 05:35:16 PM
Two ladies in their after life
1st woman: Hi! Wanda
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
Post by: Jim Logajan on February 21, 2021, 12:47:37 AM
COVID-19 Vaccine Turning Patients into Zombies? Fact-Check Proves Viral Image is Morphed (https://in.news.yahoo.com/covid-19-vaccine-turns-patients-075543720.html)
In response to this image:
(https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/Efpz9GUpQAf3itxD13SImQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtoPTU0MA--/https://s.yimg.com/uu/api/res/1.2/0qQYtxjgcGpTVqecpDGrQQ--~B/aD02NzU7dz0xMjAwO2FwcGlkPXl0YWNoeW9u/https://media.zenfs.com/en/latestly_557/e6ef5dc3553fc1ab8f279f2943d47c68)
Post by: Rush on February 21, 2021, 03:13:28 AM
Yahoo competes with the Babylon Bee:
COVID-19 Vaccine Turning Patients into Zombies? Fact-Check Proves Viral Image is Morphed (https://in.news.yahoo.com/covid-19-vaccine-turns-patients-075543720.html)
In response to this image:
Yahoo news has become a useless gutter.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 01, 2021, 11:08:26 AM
https://bluebirdofbitterness.com/2021/02/25/its-geek-to-me-8/
Post by: nddons on March 01, 2021, 11:48:05 AM
Midwest Siri!!!Charlie Berens is a funny guy. Here’s a good one celebrating the drinking culture we have here in Wisconsin.
https://bluebirdofbitterness.com/2021/02/25/its-geek-to-me-8/
https://youtu.be/sPGrvymxFnk
Post by: texasag93 on March 01, 2021, 08:58:08 PM
At the Pearly Gates.
Petitioner to St Peter that his last day was not a good one!
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest...
Post by: Lucifer on March 06, 2021, 07:43:23 AM
He begs the guy for water but the old man says “I don’t have any water. Do you want to buy a tie?”
The dying guy refuses and asks for water again.
The old man tells him that there's a nice hotel 40 miles to the north so the guy crawls away in that direction.
5 days later the guys crawls back and now he’s burnt to a crisp and near death.
He pleads with the old man for water again. The old man says “What happened at the hotel”?
“They wouldn’t let me in without a tie “.
Post by: Lucifer on March 06, 2021, 07:44:53 AM
The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious..so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Biden?"
Post by: texasag93 on March 09, 2021, 08:45:46 AM
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Post by: nddons on March 09, 2021, 09:23:12 AM
“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”
The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell.
“Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said
The old man signed and said: “Well, I was with my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time. And that’s when everything went crazy!”
“Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest, most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous! It moved straight towards the grandchildren with limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”
“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.
The old man continued, “You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it. I did the only think I could! I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!”
The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal. But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”
“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.
The old man nodded, “By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight. It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”
“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.
The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number. “Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”
The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued. The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said, “You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
The old man nodded, “Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”
Post by: texasag93 on March 09, 2021, 04:20:35 PM
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on March 09, 2021, 06:20:48 PM
Post by: Old Crow on March 14, 2021, 06:23:31 AM
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Post by: nddons on March 23, 2021, 07:56:04 AM
Post by: Rush on March 26, 2021, 06:34:08 PM
Post by: texasag93 on March 31, 2021, 08:41:00 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 31, 2021, 03:35:57 PM
Post by: Username on March 31, 2021, 04:11:37 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 04, 2021, 02:58:53 PM
(yes, I stole this from POA)
(edit: green font to help convey sarcasm)
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2021, 06:46:58 PM
IIRC, Anthony has a fondness for Philly
(yes, I stole this from POA)
Not for the city itself, although I was born there. North Philly and West Philly are classic, minority SHIT HOLES where Black on Black daily murders and violence are NORMAL thanks to the Democrat revolving door judicial system where Felons get right back out on the street.
Post by: Lucifer on April 04, 2021, 06:58:03 PM
At first I thought it was really awful, but by the end I found it very enjoyable.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 05, 2021, 05:19:26 AM
Not for the city itself, although I was born there. North Philly and West Philly are classic, minority SHIT HOLES where Black on Black daily murders and violence are NORMAL thanks to the Democrat revolving door judicial system where Felons get right back out on the street.
I was being sarcastic (I know, I know, I'm never sarcastic)
Post by: Anthony on April 05, 2021, 11:30:17 AM
I was being sarcastic (I know, I know, I'm never sarcastic)
I know. Philly like all big cities just frustrates me.
Post by: texasag93 on April 05, 2021, 11:35:44 AM
Post by: Jaybird180 on April 06, 2021, 06:32:09 PM
Post by: bflynn on April 07, 2021, 07:46:50 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 07, 2021, 07:59:43 AM
Post by: bflynn on April 07, 2021, 08:05:42 AM
Gotta love the fact checkers on a joke thread............ ::)
Trying to understand the joke. It wasn't funny before, I'm hoping it's funny after.
Post by: Lucifer on April 07, 2021, 08:36:27 AM
As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Biden: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Joe Biden, the President of the United States of America"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
Biden: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Biden, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Biden: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Biden, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. Biden, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Biden stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Biden?"
Post by: Lucifer on April 16, 2021, 03:58:41 PM
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style? "No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says.
So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to
Do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
Post by: nddons on April 20, 2021, 04:29:51 AM
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Post by: Lucifer on April 20, 2021, 05:10:47 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 20, 2021, 05:11:14 AM
Post by: bflynn on April 23, 2021, 10:41:45 AM
Post by: Old Crow on April 23, 2021, 02:02:16 PM
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on April 26, 2021, 04:24:05 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 05, 2021, 03:11:33 PM
(I wonder why it doesn't get deleted...)
Post by: Number7 on May 05, 2021, 05:21:30 PM
stolen from POA
(I wonder why it doesn't get deleted...)
Who posted that?
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 05, 2021, 05:28:54 PM
Who posted that?
A1topgun
whoever that is...
Post by: Number7 on May 05, 2021, 06:47:10 PM
A1topgun
whoever that is...
Hmmmm...
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 11, 2021, 02:36:33 PM
Post by: Rush on May 13, 2021, 12:41:49 PM
Letter from the IRS!
Post by: Lucifer on May 20, 2021, 08:01:38 AM
Post by: Old Crow on June 01, 2021, 08:47:15 AM
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The top light was red, but they just drove straight on through it.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and this time the light was red again, and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting really nervous now, and decided to pay very close attention to the road and sat up straighter to see what was going on
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they sailed right on through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us.”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh Shit, am I driving?
Post by: bflynn on June 06, 2021, 01:52:43 AM
Post by: Old Crow on June 09, 2021, 11:30:30 AM
here's some quotes from her repertoire:
Phyllis Diller knew how to take everyday life and turn it into comedy.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
Post by: Bamaflyer on June 12, 2021, 06:43:24 AM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Post by: Old Crow on June 13, 2021, 01:28:32 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on June 14, 2021, 05:04:39 AM
Democrats
The only one having fun is China :-(
Post by: Little Joe on June 14, 2021, 05:27:48 AM
The only one having fun is China :-(I think the Dems are sort of getting a thrill out of it too. At least for now.
Post by: Number7 on June 14, 2021, 06:06:18 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on June 14, 2021, 04:25:02 PM
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth, and
Vladimir Putin all die and go to Hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and
ask what the phone is for. The Devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the Devil
informs him that the cost is a million
dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England
and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the Devil informs her
that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she
writes him a check.
Finally Trump gets his turn and talks for4 hours. When finished, the Devil
informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballisticand asks the Devil why Trump got to
call the USA so cheaply. The Devil
smiles and replies,
"Since Biden took over, the country’s gone to hell, so it's alocal call."
Post by: Lucifer on June 15, 2021, 10:38:29 AM
It's called "Trycoxagain".
Post by: Lucifer on June 19, 2021, 09:43:16 AM
Post by: Rush on June 25, 2021, 08:22:56 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 29, 2021, 07:15:12 AM
Post by: Rush on June 29, 2021, 08:27:35 AM
(https://toptradeguru.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/prime-gender-by-graphic-rhythm-yes-there-are-more-than-34880665.png)
That’s real!
https://www.amazon.com/There-More-than-Genders-Shirt/dp/B07D5SG9JK?customId=B075382RFP&th=1
Post by: Bamaflyer on June 29, 2021, 08:49:52 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 29, 2021, 09:40:51 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on July 01, 2021, 03:59:55 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 07, 2021, 05:34:49 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on July 08, 2021, 05:36:57 PM
Post by: texasag93 on July 09, 2021, 07:48:17 PM
Your Welcome.....
I had to laugh that Mr Pou liked this.
Post by: texasag93 on July 16, 2021, 01:55:05 PM
Post by: texasag93 on July 18, 2021, 01:03:48 PM
Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f'in' ear. "
Post by: Bamaflyer on July 19, 2021, 03:07:47 PM
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me"
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
You know, like Hunter Biden’s painting 🙄
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
Post by: nddons on July 21, 2021, 03:52:59 PM
Post by: Rush on July 21, 2021, 04:54:59 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210721/5bc244f482a752eae7d20228ff58bdc4.jpg)
Wow, I hadn’t seen that thing yet, it really is phallic, good lord.
Post by: nddons on July 21, 2021, 09:38:16 PM
Wow, I hadn’t seen that thing yet, it really is phallic, good lord.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210722/dc655359cc9657531117dc435f51ed4c.jpg)
Post by: Mr Pou on July 22, 2021, 04:41:38 AM
Wow, I hadn’t seen that thing yet, it really is phallic, good lord.
First thing I thought when I saw the rocket. "This guy's such a dick that even his rocket looks like a dick."
Post by: Lucifer on July 22, 2021, 05:14:58 AM
First thing I thought when I saw the rocket. "This guy's such a dick that even his rocket looks like a dick."
https://mobile.twitter.com/DailyCaller/status/1417610912744329217?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1417610912744329217%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fcitizenfreepress.com%2Fbreaking%2Fthe-world-is-laughing-at-jeff-bezos-phallus%2F
Post by: texasag93 on July 23, 2021, 11:10:29 AM
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.”
Post by: Lucifer on July 24, 2021, 02:14:16 PM
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is goodbye.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was that nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk
Post by: texasag93 on July 24, 2021, 02:51:55 PM
https://www.espn.com/olympics/story/_/id/31872491/south-korean-tv-network-apologises-inappropriate-opening-ceremony-images (https://www.espn.com/olympics/story/_/id/31872491/south-korean-tv-network-apologises-inappropriate-opening-ceremony-images)
https://twitter.com/koryodynasty/status/1418600598631436293/photo/1 (https://twitter.com/koryodynasty/status/1418600598631436293/photo/1)
Italy: pizza
Norway: salmon
Haiti: upheaval
Ukraine: Chernobyl
Post by: Rush on July 24, 2021, 04:11:30 PM
One afternoon he was mowing the lawn. I came out of the house and planted myself in front of the riding mower with my hands on my hips. He had to stop, turn off the mower, take off his headset and find out what my problem was.
“You’re out here having fun while those kids are driving me crazy! We’re switching places. You go in there and deal with them, I want to mow grass and have fun.”
So I got on the mower and started mowing and he goes into the house and says to the kids, “Your mother has sent me in here to kill you.” They stare up at him, horrified. “If you go to your rooms and play quietly, I might be able to talk her out of it.” They scampered off to their rooms and he didn’t hear another peep out of them while he sat down with a beer and watched TV. He didn’t even have to finish the mowing.
Post by: Number7 on July 24, 2021, 05:33:54 PM
This is a true story. I had forgotten about it but my husband reminded me of it today. This was when the kids were little.
One afternoon he was mowing the lawn. I came out of the house and planted myself in front of the riding mower with my hands on my hips. He had to stop, turn off the mower, take off his headset and find out what my problem was.
“You’re out here having fun while those kids are driving me crazy! We’re switching places. You go in there and deal with them, I want to mow grass and have fun.”
So I got on the mower and started mowing and he goes into the house and says to the kids, “Your mother has sent me in here to kill you.” They stare up at him, horrified. “If you go to your rooms and play quietly, I might be able to talk her out of it.” They scampered off to their rooms and he didn’t hear another peep out of them while he sat down with a beer and watched TV. He didn’t even have to finish the mowing.
That right there was seriously some good problem solving skills.
Post by: Lucifer on July 24, 2021, 06:07:29 PM
This is a true story. I had forgotten about it but my husband reminded me of it today. This was when the kids were little.
One afternoon he was mowing the lawn. I came out of the house and planted myself in front of the riding mower with my hands on my hips. He had to stop, turn off the mower, take off his headset and find out what my problem was.
“You’re out here having fun while those kids are driving me crazy! We’re switching places. You go in there and deal with them, I want to mow grass and have fun.”
So I got on the mower and started mowing and he goes into the house and says to the kids, “Your mother has sent me in here to kill you.” They stare up at him, horrified. “If you go to your rooms and play quietly, I might be able to talk her out of it.” They scampered off to their rooms and he didn’t hear another peep out of them while he sat down with a beer and watched TV. He didn’t even have to finish the mowing.
Post by: Old Crow on July 27, 2021, 01:51:04 PM
Post by: texasag93 on July 27, 2021, 04:50:15 PM
Post by: bflynn on July 28, 2021, 08:34:22 PM
Biden.
Post by: Little Joe on July 29, 2021, 03:42:02 AM
Funniest joke I know right now…That's not comedy. That's tragedy.
Biden.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on July 29, 2021, 04:42:14 AM
Post by: Rush on July 29, 2021, 05:20:35 AM
there is absolutely NOTHING funny about the clown occupying the whitehouse
Not funny but the “joke” is that he is occupying the White House, not having been legitimately elected. The way his administration is fucking the country up the ass is not funny at all.
Post by: jb1842 on July 29, 2021, 05:54:42 AM
there is absolutely NOTHING funny about the clown occupying the whitehouse
And it will be a downright tragedy when Harris replaces him.
Post by: Lucifer on July 29, 2021, 06:17:05 AM
Let's keep this thread as intended for people to place jokes and humor. It's been a long running thread staying on theme so let's keep it this way.
Thanks.
Post by: Rush on July 29, 2021, 06:17:35 AM
And it will be a downright tragedy when Harris replaces him.
An even worse situation as unimaginable as that is.
Post by: texasag93 on July 30, 2021, 01:37:07 PM
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on July 30, 2021, 04:30:06 PM
That's not comedy. That's tragedy.
For us.
Post by: Rush on August 08, 2021, 04:37:24 AM
Because they’re really good at it.
Post by: texasag93 on September 03, 2021, 11:17:59 AM
Post by: bflynn on September 03, 2021, 04:26:43 PM
Funniest joke I know right now…
Biden.
The joke keeps getting bigger/worse.
No comments lest the bam hammer comes out ;)
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on September 03, 2021, 04:56:00 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on September 03, 2021, 04:56:55 PM
To be fair.
Post by: Lucifer on September 05, 2021, 08:41:59 AM
There are no rooms available, just a vacant stair.
Post by: bflynn on September 05, 2021, 12:13:24 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2140)
Post by: texasag93 on September 06, 2021, 03:27:27 PM
Post by: texasag93 on September 15, 2021, 01:35:03 PM
Post by: texasag93 on September 15, 2021, 01:35:32 PM
Post by: Old Crow on September 15, 2021, 05:51:49 PM
CALIFORNIA
• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
TEXAS
• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 16, 2021, 06:43:47 AM
Post by: Old Crow on September 18, 2021, 01:28:14 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on September 18, 2021, 05:38:11 PM
Post by: Little Joe on September 20, 2021, 02:56:22 PM
https://www.beechtalk.com/forums/download/file.php?id=355645
I never know how to copy an image. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and I don't know why. I don't know if you can pull up the link without a password or not.
Post by: Rush on September 20, 2021, 03:01:52 PM
Stolen from Beechtalk (Yes, they do have a sense of humor over there).
https://www.beechtalk.com/forums/download/file.php?id=355645
I never know how to copy an image. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and I don't know why. I don't know if you can pull up the link without a password or not.
No. I’m going to have to get my husband’s login info.
Post by: Little Joe on September 20, 2021, 03:16:29 PM
its a picture of a couple of sportscasters in a broadcast booth at an NFL game.
The title is THE "NEW" NFL
The text says:
"It's not his knee. It appears his feelings are hurt and the team psychologist is rushing out onto the field.?
Post by: texasag93 on September 20, 2021, 08:39:28 PM
https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1439346562145079296
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2021/09/full-25466-311274-ljl6uakr.jpeg)
Post by: PeterNSteinmetz on September 21, 2021, 02:08:28 PM
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 21, 2021, 02:11:26 PM
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s**t."
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 21, 2021, 02:54:50 PM
My girlfriend is so intelligent. I used my best friend's phone to call her and she already knew that it was me. She picked up and immediately said: "Hi, sweetheart!".
I'm so lucky to have her.☺️😍
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 21, 2021, 02:58:05 PM
Post by: jb1842 on September 22, 2021, 10:37:07 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on September 22, 2021, 03:35:35 PM
What did socialist countries use for lighting before they used candles? Electricity.
You forgot California 8)
Post by: PeterNSteinmetz on September 22, 2021, 04:18:46 PM
Post by: texasag93 on September 22, 2021, 04:31:09 PM
He is going to be fine.
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 22, 2021, 07:50:53 PM
Donald Trump, Ronald Reagan, and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a Central American country.
Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.
Ronald Reagan was the second one placed against the wall.
The squad was reassembled, and Ronald pondered what he had just witnessed.
Again, before the order was given Ronald yelled out, "Tornado!"
Again, the squad fell apart and Ronald slipped over the wall.
The last person, Joe Biden, was placed against the wall.
He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.
As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
And this story my friends reflects the true intelligence level between Republicans and Democrats!!!
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 22, 2021, 08:05:03 PM
Sorry don’t know how to get an image on here
(https://www.icloud.com/photos/#0JgZfrSY8TEEdp0P_G1CdWAMA)
Post by: Number7 on September 22, 2021, 08:11:09 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2021/09/full-25466-311274-ljl6uakr.jpeg)
Those fart, belch and itch 'agents' look awfully queer...
Post by: Jim Logajan on September 22, 2021, 08:35:47 PM
https://share.icloud.com/photos/0JgZfrSY8TEEdp0P_G1CdWAMA
Sorry don’t know how to get an image on here
If you can get it onto your local machine you can upload it using the “Attachments and other options” tool that appears below the posting text-entry window.
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 23, 2021, 06:10:26 AM
If you can get it onto your local machine you can upload it using the “Attachments and other options” tool that appears below the posting text-entry window.
I’m on an iPad, maybe my desktop would work better?
Post by: Rush on September 23, 2021, 07:47:25 AM
I’m on an iPad, maybe my desktop would work better?
Hmmm normally on my iPad I can press and hold and “save to photos” will pop up but that one won’t do it. When I press download it wants me to sign in. But I was able to zoom closer and screenshot it. I guess you can post that but it also screenshots your open tabs and stuff. So yeah, PC using snip would work best I suppose. Looks like iCloud won’t let you copy unless you tell them your identity?
Post by: texasag93 on September 25, 2021, 08:34:21 AM
I have done this as a dad.
Post by: Rush on September 26, 2021, 10:19:42 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 26, 2021, 06:55:21 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 27, 2021, 05:40:12 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on September 27, 2021, 06:54:32 AM
DIVORCE vs. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription.."
Post by: nddons on September 27, 2021, 10:31:20 AM
For you guys.Well done Rush!
Post by: bflynn on October 01, 2021, 05:10:59 AM
A man calls the police and says "There's a burglar in in my house." The police respond by saying "We're sorry, we don't have an officer who can respond right now". The man thanks them and hangs up.
Five minutes later he calls back and says "Hey, I called a little while ago about a burglar in my house. You don't have to worry anymore, I've shoot him." Within 30 seconds 3 police cars are there and they catch the guy red handed. The police say "What's the deal, you said you shot they guy!" The man responded "Yeah, what IS the deal. You said you didn't have anyone who could respond!"
Post by: texasag93 on October 03, 2021, 08:21:12 AM
Post by: Rush on October 04, 2021, 07:07:11 PM
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
8 Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 04, 2021, 07:48:08 PM
Post by: texasag93 on October 10, 2021, 07:02:26 AM
Post by: Rush on October 10, 2021, 01:09:56 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 10, 2021, 02:16:06 PM
.
reminds me of a picture I took many years ago (aviation related - I took the picture while going to an airshow at KBED)
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 12, 2021, 05:39:10 PM
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 14, 2021, 08:54:50 AM
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 14, 2021, 08:57:23 AM
Post by: texasag93 on October 19, 2021, 02:30:50 PM
Post by: nddons on October 19, 2021, 02:51:14 PM
Post by: nddons on October 21, 2021, 06:40:52 AM
Post by: nddons on October 22, 2021, 07:24:24 AM
Post by: Number7 on October 22, 2021, 12:17:32 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211022/ce093f89561681c558b56b64aee92216.jpg)
TRUER WORDS NEVER SPOKEN!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Rush on October 22, 2021, 01:38:12 PM
Post by: nddons on October 23, 2021, 06:34:54 AM
Post by: Rush on October 23, 2021, 06:59:38 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211023/0901830b3c860f1bc5f5d63ce1a94578.jpg)
“Elaine, what are you doing here?” Funniest scene ever.
Post by: nddons on October 23, 2021, 07:33:32 AM
“Elaine, what are you doing here?” Funniest scene ever.^^^True!
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on October 23, 2021, 06:29:32 PM
^^^True!
Post by: Rush on October 24, 2021, 09:49:54 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on October 24, 2021, 06:38:22 PM
BTW, FB marked the campaign sign as False
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on October 30, 2021, 05:58:23 AM
Post by: Rush on October 30, 2021, 06:03:26 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 31, 2021, 06:20:32 PM
8)
Fact! 😂😂😂
Post by: Rush on November 05, 2021, 04:08:55 PM
Post by: nddons on November 05, 2021, 04:24:47 PM
Post by: Number7 on November 05, 2021, 08:27:51 PM
There is nothing blinder than a liberal.
Think about how stupid you have to be to think the senile, imposter, president fuckwad was actually legally elected and not chosen by the fuckwad progressive communists. The same people who believe that also believe that the Holocaust never happened, and that GWB was behind the World Trade Center bombing, and republicans planned the Katrina debacle even though liberal as clowns (democrats) were in complete charge in New Orleans.
Post by: Lucifer on November 08, 2021, 07:56:25 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 08, 2021, 08:19:09 AM
Post by: nddons on November 08, 2021, 09:17:08 AM
Post by: texasag93 on November 08, 2021, 11:57:46 AM
I just relearned it at 50.
I may repeat the cycle a few more times in my lifetime.
Post by: nddons on November 08, 2021, 12:12:08 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2349;image)Let’s ask the expert:
https://youtu.be/BKZqGJONH68
Post by: bflynn on November 08, 2021, 06:17:51 PM
1) solo, who makes the cups says they’re not measurement lines, is a coincidence.
2) Snopes is apparently in enough financial trouble that they are begging for money.
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 08, 2021, 07:11:23 PM
2) Snopes is apparently in enough financial trouble that they are begging for money.
Snopes rates that mostly false.
Post by: Number7 on November 08, 2021, 09:02:10 PM
Snopes rates that mostly false.
snopes is a joke as far as fact checking, but light years better than the lame stream media.
Post by: Rush on November 12, 2021, 07:18:47 PM
Post by: texasag93 on November 17, 2021, 05:25:23 PM
Post by: jb1842 on November 17, 2021, 05:35:15 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2365;image).
Always do a pecker check in Asia. I know a few James it happened to.
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 17, 2021, 07:11:02 PM
Always do a pecker check in Asia. I know a few James it happened to.Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Lola
Post by: nddons on November 17, 2021, 09:44:11 PM
Post by: Anthony on November 18, 2021, 05:49:19 AM
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man
But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man
And so is Lola
I'm a big Kinks fan. Saw them in 1977 in a small college venue and it was probably the best Rock show I've ever seen. That song created quite a stir when it was released. The Kinks had been banned from entering the U.S. for years prior, but they got back in somehow to tour for that album.
Post by: Rush on November 18, 2021, 06:07:48 AM
I'm a big Kinks fan. Saw them in 1977 in a small college venue and it was probably the best Rock show I've ever seen. That song created quite a stir when it was released. The Kinks had been banned from entering the U.S. for years prior, but they got back in somehow to tour for that album.
I remember my high school cafeteria played music from the local radio station and that song came on. I recall listening to the lyrics and thinking, hey, that song is about trannies!
“Celluloid Heroes” is one of my all time favorite songs.
Post by: Lucifer on December 03, 2021, 08:04:17 AM
Post by: Rush on December 03, 2021, 11:16:04 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FFrnrZjXwAUrMki.jpg)
Replace fire Dave with load more shit on Dave and that is exactly the company my husband works at. The guys actually doing the work are being overloaded with useless documentation, harassment and diversity training, ridiculous protocol such as “every hour you must go around to all the contract workers (on a hot day) and remind them to drink water.” Seriously - that is literally one of their rules their lawyers or health coordinator or some other muckety muck came up with.
Another one, somebody got a tiny cut on his thumb when a tape measure retracted. Now they have made a rule that everyone must wear gloves while using tape measures.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 03, 2021, 11:27:39 AM
Another one, somebody got a tiny cut on his thumb when a tape measure retracted. Now they have made a rule that everyone must wear gloves while using tape measures.
apparently not of the people making these rules actually works with power equipment...
Post by: Rush on December 03, 2021, 11:36:35 AM
apparently not of the people making these rules actually works with power equipment...
I don’t think they’ve ever worked outside an office. Maybe they should wear gloves while handing documents. Paper cut danger!
Post by: Mr Pou on December 03, 2021, 11:53:40 AM
Another one, somebody got a tiny cut on his thumb when a tape measure retracted. Now they have made a rule that everyone must wear gloves while using tape measures.
Rules not needed, usually a person only makes that mistake once.
Post by: Rush on December 03, 2021, 12:06:24 PM
Rules not needed, usually a person only makes that mistake once.
Correct! Also gloves not needed. I learned quickly how to retract the thing without hurting myself. You don’t do people any favors protecting them from minor stuff. Especially kids. If you don’t allow them to experience the consequences of being stupid, they don’t learn to protect themselves from major stuff.
Post by: Rush on December 03, 2021, 12:07:20 PM
Post by: texasag93 on December 09, 2021, 12:38:44 PM
Post by: Rush on December 11, 2021, 11:25:20 AM
Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis into the pickle slicer. This went on for years, and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his.
He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since HIS desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer, the only way to get over it was to do it.
Yossel agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early, about 11am. His wife Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early.
Yossel explained to her for the first time, the desire he had to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to him, yanked down his pants and briefs, only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said, "I don't understand, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
Yossel Said, "I think she got fired too."
Post by: nddons on December 11, 2021, 12:35:25 PM
Post by: texasag93 on December 11, 2021, 06:24:46 PM
Post by: texasag93 on December 19, 2021, 02:01:45 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 19, 2021, 02:36:30 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2408;image).
sadly, only too true
Post by: Lucifer on December 19, 2021, 02:37:41 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 19, 2021, 02:42:28 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 20, 2021, 02:49:36 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on December 20, 2021, 03:08:34 PM
another one stolen from POA...Whatever thread that is from can't last long.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 20, 2021, 03:17:44 PM
Whatever thread that is from can't last long.
surprisingly, some of the images in the POA jokes thread stick around... but, yeah, that one will probably disappear as well as a woke one that followed it.... because, ya know, the elite can't stand having anyone point out the emperor is buck-naked.
Post by: Rush on December 20, 2021, 03:45:08 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on December 21, 2021, 07:26:40 AM
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 07:32:31 AM
In a way it again reduced to Bruce bashing, which I just don't get. Bruce does all he can within the confines of the rules to keep airmen in the air.
Dr Bruce tells it the way it is, and that's what pisses off the crybabies.
It's not even aa aviation board any longer.
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 07:33:20 AM
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 07:33:53 AM
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 08:03:37 AM
In a way it again reduced to Bruce bashing, which I just don't get. Bruce does all he can within the confines of the rules to keep airmen in the air.
That’s true and I called him out on the Bruce bashing. But he was digging himself deeper and deeper into the hole and looking more and more foolish as everyone told him he was wrong. So PoA shuts it down. Why? To protect someone’s feelings? Bruce doesn’t care. No doubt he’s not reading the thread anymore. So are they trying to protect Bladeslap’s feelings? He was bringing it on himself.
From his account creation he’s only been there a couple years, I guess he just hasn’t the long history knowing Bruce like the rest of us.
Post by: bflynn on December 21, 2021, 09:38:00 AM
That’s true and I called him out on the Bruce bashing. But he was digging himself deeper and deeper into the hole and looking more and more foolish as everyone told him he was wrong. So PoA shuts it down. Why? To protect someone’s feelings? Bruce doesn’t care. No doubt he’s not reading the thread anymore. So are they trying to protect Bladeslap’s feelings? He was bringing it on himself.
From his account creation he’s only been there a couple years, I guess he just hasn’t the long history knowing Bruce like the rest of us.
I don't know. He was fresh off his forced vacation from POA and jumped right back into it.
*shrug* If he doesn't change, he'll be on a permanent vacation.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 09:40:15 AM
I don't know. He was fresh off his forced vacation from POA and jumped right back into it.
*shrug* If he doesn't change, he'll be on a permanent vacation.
I missed that he got a temporary ban.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 10:02:26 AM
Dr Bruce tells it the way it is, and that's what pisses off the crybabies.Bruce was my AME when I needed an SI 10 years ago. Very nice guy in person, but occasionally can be an ass online, at least from my recollection of the AOPA boards. I don’t even really recall him participating much on POA when I was there.
It's not even aa aviation board any longer.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 10:21:53 AM
Bruce was my AME when I needed an SI 10 years ago. Very nice guy in person, but occasionally can be an ass online, at least from my recollection of the AOPA boards. I don’t even really recall him participating much on POA when I was there.
That's the thing about him, when you know him well. He IS frequently an asshole online. But that's not the whole story. He gave me a lot of free advice off forum when my daughter had cancer and helped me with other things. He is all about helping people. He's a pain doc, all about reducing suffering, plus keeping pilots in the air, as long as they aren't actually unsafe and uncertifiable. He's worked all his career doing good work like this, it pisses me off when people who have no idea who he is attack him on the forum.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 21, 2021, 10:25:13 AM
That's the thing about him, when you know him well. He IS frequently an asshole online. But that's not the whole story. He gave me a lot of free advice off forum when my daughter had cancer and helped me with other things. He is all about helping people. He's a pain doc, all about reducing suffering, plus keeping pilots in the air, as long as they aren't actually unsafe and uncertifiable. He's worked all his career doing good work like this, it pisses me off when people who have no idea who he is attack him on the forum.
well, when someone is "frequently an asshole online" (your words, not mine), being attacked is not entirely unjustified.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 11:13:36 AM
well, when someone is "frequently an asshole online" (your words, not mine), being attacked is not entirely unjustified.
Then criticize his assholiness, but don't attack him for being in league with the big bad FAA and having conflict of interests. Bladeslap simply doesn't know what he's talking about wrt Bruce. I happen to agree with his position on FAA certification overreach. But Bruce isn't the enemy, the FAA is.
Post by: elwood blues on December 21, 2021, 11:20:09 AM
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 11:23:56 AM
Well, that does seem to be his shtick: nice guy, does a lot of good, but online a bit of a blowhard (à la Steingar: I'm right you're wrong, I'm smart you're dumb) and his skin is so thin, it's transparent.
Haha! I had Steingar in mind too. I think lots of people are way nastier online than real life.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 11:26:28 AM
Well, that does seem to be his shtick: nice guy, does a lot of good, but online a bit of a blowhard (à la Steingar: I'm right you're wrong, I'm smart you're dumb) and his skin is so thin, it's transparent.Yea, that last part was a little off putting. The forums aren’t airports; no need to announce your departure. Surprising for a Navy pilot.
If I recall he was not a fan of people trying to do a workaround of the FAA consequences of receiving a DUI.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on December 21, 2021, 11:33:34 AM
Post by: Mr Pou on December 21, 2021, 11:34:04 AM
If I recall he was not a fan of people trying to do a workaround of the FAA consequences of receiving a DUI.
Many are solidly in the "If your going to do the crime, you'd better be ready to to the time" mindset. I personally limit myself to one beer if I'm going to be driving, no more. The many consequences are not worth the roll of the dice. Not to put words in his mouth, but someone who isn't interested enough in their certificate to protect it by not drinking and driving is probably not worthy of the certificate.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 21, 2021, 11:47:05 AM
Then criticize his assholiness, but don't attack him for being in league with the big bad FAA and having conflict of interests. Bladeslap simply doesn't know what he's talking about wrt Bruce. I happen to agree with his position on FAA certification overreach. But Bruce isn't the enemy, the FAA is.
whoa... back up
I wasn't attacking Bruce - never did
Sure, his avatar about not accepting minimum standards is stupid, but I never attacked Bruce.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 21, 2021, 11:50:47 AM
Whatever thread that is from can't last long.
as predicted, it's gone. Of course, I could be mistaken.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 12:18:50 PM
whoa... back up
I wasn't attacking Bruce - never did
Sure, his avatar about not accepting minimum standards is stupid, but I never attacked Bruce.
No I wasn’t talking about you. I was referring to Bladeslap attacking him.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 12:21:20 PM
Yea, that last part was a little off putting. The forums aren’t airports; no need to announce your departure. Surprising for a Navy pilot.
If I recall he was not a fan of people trying to do a workaround of the FAA consequences of receiving a DUI.
What last part? I don’t recall him announcing departure, but I might have missed something. Or did they delete stuff.
Post by: bflynn on December 21, 2021, 01:29:56 PM
Bruce was my AME when I needed an SI 10 years ago. Very nice guy in person, but occasionally can be an ass online, at least from my recollection of the AOPA boards. I don’t even really recall him participating much on POA when I was there.
Ditto, although for me he kept me out of an SI.
He's always been around POA and gives the news bluntly. It's a style
Post by: Little Joe on December 21, 2021, 01:50:40 PM
Yea, that last part was a little off putting. The forums aren’t airports; no need to announce your departure. Surprising for a Navy pilot.Are you talking about the time he and Jay got into it? Bruce got pissed and announced he was leaving, and did for a few years. He eventually made an appearance and received a warm welcome and he stayed, but not like he did before. Now he is a mod on ThePIlotsPlace.
I still have all the respect in the world for him, but he has become such an avid anti-Trumper, it pains me. I wish he would stick to AME stuff.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 01:51:06 PM
What last part? I don’t recall him announcing departure, but I might have missed something. Or did they delete stuff.Like I said above, I don’t recall him much from POA, but on the AOPA boards, he would regularly declare he was done giving advice and depart for a few weeks or months. He allowed the idiots to get to him. I wonder if he had any role in the AOPA boards going away.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 01:55:27 PM
Are you talking about the time he and Jay got into it? Bruce got pissed and announced he was leaving, and did for a few years. He eventually made an appearance and received a warm welcome and he stayed, but not like he did before. Now he is a mod on ThePIlotsPlace.I’m not aware of his politics, as politics was verboten on AOPA. Too bad about being anti-Trump. For a P-3 pilot I figured he would have liked Trump from a military perspective.
I still have all the respect in the world for him, but he has become such an avid anti-Trumper, it pains me. I wish he would stick to AME stuff.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 01:55:47 PM
Like I said above, I don’t recall him much from POA, but on the AOPA boards, he would regularly declare he was done giving advice and depart for a few weeks or months. He allowed the idiots to get to him. I wonder if he had any role in the AOPA boards going away.
Oh you mean way back then. I forgot about that.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 02:12:20 PM
I’m not aware of his politics, as politics was verboten on AOPA. Too bad about being anti-Trump. For a P-3 pilot I figured he would have liked Trump from a military perspective.
He never got heavy into politics. Even way back on the first AOPA board, (the yellow one?) which was full of politics I don’t recall him going into the Hangar Talk subforum very much which if I recall was where the politics were. I never knew how he voted but he made one or two comments that seemed to indicate he was anti-big government. I concluded that he’s probably not a far left commie, but that doesn’t mean a person is for Trump. I’ve known a couple of rather conservative people who hate Trump. On the Pilots Place he spoke out against hydroxychloroquine which disappointed me and makes me think he’s been living in a blue big city too long and has been thusly contaminated. But I don’t really know his politics.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 03:36:43 PM
He never got heavy into politics. Even way back on the first AOPA board, (the yellow one?) which was full of politics I don’t recall him going into the Hangar Talk subforum very much which if I recall was where the politics were. I never knew how he voted but he made one or two comments that seemed to indicate he was anti-big government. I concluded that he’s probably not a far left commie, but that doesn’t mean a person is for Trump. I’ve known a couple of rather conservative people who hate Trump. On the Pilots Place he spoke out against hydroxychloroquine which disappointed me and makes me think he’s been living in a blue big city too long and has been thusly contaminated. But I don’t really know his politics.Unless he moved, he was practicing in Peoria, Illinois. Though IL is deep blue, Peoria is somewhat conservative, being in the agricultural center of the state. The Democrat leanings of Peoria are probably due to the Union labor of Caterpillar and other feeder industries.
Post by: Rush on December 21, 2021, 03:51:27 PM
Unless he moved, he was practicing in Peoria, Illinois. Though IL is deep blue, Peoria is somewhat conservative, being in the agricultural center of the state. The Democrat leanings of Peoria are probably due to the Union labor of Caterpillar and other feeder industries.
I knew he was in Peoria but didn’t know Peoria was less blue than normal for IL. Interesting.
Post by: PeterNSteinmetz on December 21, 2021, 03:56:48 PM
They drive me crazy. They just locked the most interesting thread in the medical section. I just don’t want to even look over there anymore. Only do it when things get slow here.Write to the interested posters on PoA via PM and suggest they move the discussion to the new medical section here?
Post by: PeterNSteinmetz on December 21, 2021, 03:58:30 PM
Unless he moved, he was practicing in Peoria, Illinois. Though IL is deep blue, Peoria is somewhat conservative, being in the agricultural center of the state. The Democrat leanings of Peoria are probably due to the Union labor of Caterpillar and other feeder industries.His office is now at the Bolingbrook Clow airport. I believe he lives nearby.
Post by: nddons on December 21, 2021, 04:07:10 PM
I knew he was in Peoria but didn’t know Peoria was less blue than normal for IL. Interesting.Here’s the IL political map from the 2020 election. See why the rest of the state wants to carve out Chicago and the collar counties?
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20211221/9feee4d6604545f96665ae072b66db02.jpg)
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on December 21, 2021, 04:17:40 PM
I knew he was in Peoria but didn’t know Peoria was less blue than normal for IL. Interesting.The further south you go from Chicago, the redder the state becomes.
Post by: Little Joe on December 21, 2021, 04:24:22 PM
I’m not aware of his politics, as politics was verboten on AOPA. Too bad about being anti-Trump. For a P-3 pilot I figured he would have liked Trump from a military perspective.When he criticizes Trump and people call him a liberal, he protests that he is more of a conservative than people realize. He just hates Trump. He makes no bones about hating Trump. But he is still the AME of choice if you are having a problem with the FAA. He is definitely NOT the FAA.
Post by: bflynn on December 21, 2021, 04:55:47 PM
When he criticizes Trump and people call him a liberal, he protests that he is more of a conservative than people realize. He just hates Trump. He makes no bones about hating Trump.
I can relate to this...
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on December 21, 2021, 05:21:16 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 05:28:13 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 06:00:23 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2021, 06:01:21 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on December 22, 2021, 06:44:08 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2418;image)
Or the tool that my wife or daughter borrowed and "promised" to return. So aggravating when a 15min job becomes 2hrs just because you have to find all of the friggin tools!
Post by: jb1842 on December 22, 2021, 07:13:14 AM
Or the tool that my wife or daughter borrowed and "promised" to return. So aggravating when a 15min job becomes 2hrs just because you have to find all of the friggin tools!
My wife complains that my work bench is cluttered, she can't find what she needs, and that if I put stuff in a proper place it can be found later. So naturally when I find a tool or something she used and left somewhere in the house, it gets put on her on her side of the bed so she can put it away. Nothing like trying to go to bed and finding a cordless drill on your pillow.
Post by: Rush on December 22, 2021, 07:16:01 AM
Or the tool that my wife or daughter borrowed and "promised" to return. So aggravating when a 15min job becomes 2hrs just because you have to find all of the friggin tools!
The other day I couldn’t find my tongs, usually in a certain kitchen drawer. Suspecting myself of putting them in the wrong drawer I began searching all the drawers to no avail. Not in the dish drain either. Back to the drawers for a more thorough hunt, getting a bit upset. Can’t find them to save my life. Start cussing. Husband comes in and asks what’s wrong. “I can’t find the tongs!” I say as I start yanking everything out of a drawer. Now I’m really agitated and start yelling, “Where the fucking hell are my tongs!” My husband skulks away as I continue tearing the whole kitchen apart. I’m still doing it when he returns and stands with his back to the sink, and his hands behind his back. I hear something plop into the soapy water.
Post by: Rush on December 22, 2021, 10:00:28 AM
Post by: Anthony on December 23, 2021, 02:00:58 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2418;image)
Where is the large segment for "Getting away from your wife"?
Post by: Rush on December 23, 2021, 03:47:26 AM
Where is the large segment for "Getting away from your wife"?
That’s 100% of it, superimposed. According to my husband.
Post by: texasag93 on December 23, 2021, 02:04:18 PM
Where is the large segment for "Getting away from your wife"?
Hiding from or avoiding?
Post by: Mr Pou on December 23, 2021, 02:49:54 PM
Hiding from or avoiding?
We're talking nuances at this point
Post by: Rush on December 23, 2021, 03:32:18 PM
Hiding from or avoiding?
My husband says, “Just staying the hell out of your way, Dear.”
Post by: Anthony on December 24, 2021, 04:10:09 AM
Hiding from or avoiding?
Both. Depends on their MOOD which constantly changes for no good reason. So if they can't find you that's a huge positive. I used elements of camouflage, Magic and occasionally time travel.
Post by: Lucifer on December 25, 2021, 12:55:12 PM
She said "Would you like to see what $20 crumpled up looks like?"
I said "Okay."
She slowly unbuttoned the two top buttons on her blouse. She reached inside her bra and removed a crumpled $20 bill.
The she said "Would you like to see what $100 crumpled up looks like?"
I exclaimed "Yes!"
She slowly slid her skirt up her thigh. From the top of her fishnet stocking she removed and handed to me a crumpled $100 bill.
Then she leaned forward and whispered softly in my ear "Would you like to see what $65,000 crumpled up looks like?"
Hardly able to contain myself, I shouted "Yes! Absolutely!"
She then said "Go look in the garage."
Post by: Lucifer on December 26, 2021, 07:55:38 AM
A. The Titanic had all its anchors when it sank!
Post by: nddons on December 26, 2021, 08:13:47 AM
Lock your dog and your wife in your trunk for two hours. When you finally open it up, see which one is happy to see you.
Post by: jb1842 on December 26, 2021, 09:18:16 AM
Here’s a test for true love:
Lock your dog and your wife in your trunk for two hours. When you finally open it up, see which one is happy to see you.
My wife would probably take a nap and be happy not to be disturbed for 2 hours.
Post by: Rush on December 26, 2021, 09:53:40 AM
Here’s a test for true love:
Lock your dog and your wife in your trunk for two hours. When you finally open it up, see which one is happy to see you.
I’d pretend to be happy to see him and then kill him in his sleep later that night.
Post by: nddons on December 26, 2021, 10:13:15 AM
I’d pretend to be happy to see him and then kill him in his sleep later that night.I thought there would be some Beth Dutton in you, Rush!
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 26, 2021, 10:24:36 AM
I’d pretend to be happy to see him and then kill him in his sleep later that night.
kind of like what Bob Dole said about willie and Monica, eh?
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on December 26, 2021, 03:28:51 PM
Dec 8. - It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first I've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window. Watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
Dec 9. - We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and I loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
Dec 10. - It snowed an additional 6 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-grey.
Dec 11. - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my a_ _ in the driveway; $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected today.
Dec 12. - Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount of damage to the rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inched of the white sh_ _ last night. both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That godd_ _ _ snow plow came by twice today.
Dec 13. - Two below zero outside! More fu_ _ _ _ _ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.
Dec 14. - Godd_ _ _ mother-fu_ _ _ _ _ white sh_ _ keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bi_ _ _ that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof is starting to cave in.
Dec 15. - Six godd_ _ _ more fu_ _ _ _ _ inches of fu_ _ _ _ _ snow and fu_ _ _ _ _ sleet and fu_ _ _ _ _ ice and god knows what other kind of fu_ _ _ _ _ white sh_ _ fell last night. I wounded the fu_ _ _ _ _ snowplow a_ _hole with an ice axe but he managed to get away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill is minus 22 fu_ _ _ _ _ degrees. I'm moving back to California.
Post by: Little Joe on December 26, 2021, 04:34:32 PM
Warm, AND RED!
Post by: Anthony on December 27, 2021, 03:05:39 AM
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on December 27, 2021, 07:35:22 AM
Florida is unbearably hot six - seven months of the year. It's OK November through March though. ::)
Not the northern half.
Post by: Mr Pou on December 28, 2021, 06:46:18 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 28, 2021, 06:22:04 PM
but, sadly, it's not really a joke. (and, it will probably be deleted from POA...)
edit: yup - was deleted...
Post by: Bamaflyer on December 30, 2021, 12:19:36 PM
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?”
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught."
Post by: Number7 on January 04, 2022, 08:14:13 AM
(https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10199-1.jpg)
https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10199-1.jpg (https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10199-1.jpg)
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on January 04, 2022, 08:23:45 AM
Post by: Number7 on January 04, 2022, 09:02:56 AM
It’s being updated … the unvaccinated man is feeling left out because all his vaccinated friends have died of Covid.
And just mentioning the facts gets you banned from the pussy platforms twatter and fascist book
Post by: Little Joe on January 04, 2022, 09:13:48 AM
Post by: Anthony on January 05, 2022, 06:06:41 AM
And these are pilots that can employ critical thinking??? Not talking about you, Joe, but whomever posted that drivel.
Post by: Rush on January 05, 2022, 06:43:31 AM
^^^^^Moronic.
And these are pilots that can employ critical thinking??? Not talking about you, Joe, but whomever posted that drivel.
I thought that drivel was kind of sarcastic.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 05, 2022, 06:49:12 AM
I thought that drivel was kind of sarcastic.
Just a little sarcastic
Post by: Anthony on January 05, 2022, 09:17:56 AM
Post by: nddons on January 05, 2022, 09:25:13 AM
I'm an idiot.No you aren’t. When it’s difficult to tell the difference between a MSM news article and the Babylon Bee, you know we are in a different dimension.
Post by: Little Joe on January 05, 2022, 10:25:59 AM
I'm an idiot.That would explain a lot. ;)
Post by: Anthony on January 06, 2022, 08:18:03 AM
That would explain a lot. ;)
I like Stan's response better. You are also on Double Secret Probation.
Post by: Rush on January 06, 2022, 08:36:26 AM
I'm an idiot.
I was thinking you just made the post before coffee.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 06, 2022, 09:43:51 AM
Post by: elwood blues on January 10, 2022, 08:47:05 PM
https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1475320070666539008/pu/vid/576x318/pgPDRPXMGXG8e4K2.mp4?tag=12 (https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1475320070666539008/pu/vid/576x318/pgPDRPXMGXG8e4K2.mp4?tag=12)
Post by: bflynn on January 11, 2022, 09:08:44 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2461)
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2022, 09:17:58 AM
Someone figured out Biden's strategy
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2461)
This! The biggest problem we have is testing. People with ZERO symptoms are overwhelming ERs because they are home testing themselves. Cheap widely available covid tests is a disaster. You should not be tested if you have no symptoms and if you have symptoms you should have to go to a doctor to be tested.
Normally I’m very libertarian about the availability of anything a person wants to buy and anything a manufacturer wants to sell should be unregulated including all things health related. But in this case the impact of millions of delusional hypochondriac morons are fueling more covid hysteria that is continuing to destroy society. Covid tests should be BANNED. Except for licensed practitioners and hospitals.
Furthermore they should not test all hospital patients. Only test if they have covid symptoms. If they come in with a heart attack, let them die of a heart attack untested, because they have proven themselves incapable of logging deaths distinguished as FROM or WITH.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 11, 2022, 09:41:18 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 11, 2022, 09:46:04 AM
This! The biggest problem we have is testing. People with ZERO symptoms are overwhelming ERs because they are home testing themselves. Cheap widely available covid tests is a disaster. You should not be tested if you have no symptoms and if you have symptoms you should have to go to a doctor to be tested.
Normally I’m very libertarian about the availability of anything a person wants to buy and anything a manufacturer wants to sell should be unregulated including all things health related. But in this case the impact of millions of delusional hypochondriac morons are fueling more covid hysteria that is continuing to destroy society. Covid tests should be BANNED. Except for licensed practitioners and hospitals.
Furthermore they should not test all hospital patients. Only test if they have covid symptoms. If they come in with a heart attack, let them die of a heart attack untested, because they have proven themselves incapable of logging deaths distinguished as FROM or WITH.
I just watched maskachusetts gov Baker 11 Jan 2021 press conference about rapid tests (https://www.mass.gov/governor-updates)
basically, maskachusetts (include the DPH) is recommending the rapid antigen tests for anyone who is symptomatic or an actual close contact of a confirmed case (I think he said symptomatic confirmed case, but I'm not sure). Specifically mentioned was not relying on the PCR test and not needing a PCR to return to work, school, etc.
He also talked about how this week hospitals will begin to report on the number of patients who are "incidental" covid cases rather than being hospitalized because of covid.
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2022, 09:55:56 AM
The home test we used back in September worked well.
But you are a sane person.
Post by: nddons on January 11, 2022, 11:34:49 AM
This! The biggest problem we have is testing. People with ZERO symptoms are overwhelming ERs because they are home testing themselves. Cheap widely available covid tests is a disaster. You should not be tested if you have no symptoms and if you have symptoms you should have to go to a doctor to be tested.They should charge for these tests. Nothing is free, EVER. Someone is always paying for something the government is giving you. Make people pay $10-$20 for a test and see the cases go down dramatically.
Normally I’m very libertarian about the availability of anything a person wants to buy and anything a manufacturer wants to sell should be unregulated including all things health related. But in this case the impact of millions of delusional hypochondriac morons are fueling more covid hysteria that is continuing to destroy society. Covid tests should be BANNED. Except for licensed practitioners and hospitals.
Furthermore they should not test all hospital patients. Only test if they have covid symptoms. If they come in with a heart attack, let them die of a heart attack untested, because they have proven themselves incapable of logging deaths distinguished as FROM or WITH.
Post by: nddons on January 11, 2022, 11:35:54 AM
I just watched maskachusetts gov Baker 11 Jan 2021 press conference about rapid tests (https://www.mass.gov/governor-updates)Normal people (a/k/a conservatives) have been saying this for TWO YEARS.
basically, maskachusetts (include the DPH) is recommending the rapid antigen tests for anyone who is symptomatic or an actual close contact of a confirmed case (I think he said symptomatic confirmed case, but I'm not sure). Specifically mentioned was not relying on the PCR test and not needing a PCR to return to work, school, etc.
He also talked about how this week hospitals will begin to report on the number of patients who are "incidental" covid cases rather than being hospitalized because of covid.
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2022, 12:05:26 PM
They should charge for these tests. Nothing is free, EVER. Someone is always paying for something the government is giving you. Make people pay $10-$20 for a test and see the cases go down dramatically.
Except the hysterical idiots like the woman that tested herself seven times before boarding a flight, and an eighth time in midair, don’t seem to mind paying whatever Amazon is charging for the tests.
Post by: Username on January 11, 2022, 01:44:28 PM
Normal people (a/k/a conservatives) have been saying this for TWO YEARS.Of course. It's in Xiden's best interest for the number of cases to go down. It's an election year.
Post by: texasag93 on January 12, 2022, 04:00:45 PM
Post by: Number7 on January 13, 2022, 04:02:14 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 16, 2022, 04:32:38 PM
Post by: Anthony on January 17, 2022, 03:16:53 AM
People are IDIOTS.
Post by: Rush on January 22, 2022, 09:38:05 AM
Post by: Old Crow on January 24, 2022, 04:23:47 PM
Post by: Lucifer on January 25, 2022, 05:37:26 PM
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"
-OR-
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Post by: Little Joe on January 25, 2022, 06:01:03 PM
Everything else is spot-on. But it left out the two seasons. Summer and February.
Post by: bflynn on January 25, 2022, 07:19:22 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 25, 2022, 07:20:13 PM
Speaking for Florida, nobody eats dinner at 3:15pm. They start lining up then but Early Bird Specials usually start at 4.
Everything else is spot-on. But it left out the two seasons. Summer and February.
Wouldn't that be "Summer and Ground-Hog day"?
Post by: Number7 on January 25, 2022, 07:50:10 PM
First you have the spaghetti slurpers who show up at 11AM for the $3.99 all-you-can-eat spaghetti special, take out their teeth and slurp entire plates of pasta.
They are NOT to be confused with the lupper crowd who show up at 2:30 and sip sweet tea with their $6.99 all-you-can-eat buffet, while reminding everyone within shouting range about their “Spectacular” fourth place finish in the badminton championship on the three day, Carnival cruise in 1987.
You should not ignore the golf cart mafia who roar into the only empty parking place at exactly 4:30, firmly fit their US ARMY baseball cap on their head, flick their left hand at their wife, reminding her to order your tea because their bowels just decided to move, and greet every single server by name on their way to the mens room in the back corner.
Post by: nddons on January 25, 2022, 08:16:35 PM
That whole thing is a crock about Florida.(https://media2.giphy.com/media/3oEduUJgrJnTH093yw/giphy.gif)
First you have the spaghetti slurpers who show up at 11AM for the $3.99 all-you-can-eat spaghetti special, take out their teeth and slurp entire plates of pasta.
They are NOT to be confused with the lupper crowd who show up at 2:30 and sip sweet tea with their $6.99 all-you-can-eat buffet, while reminding everyone within shouting range about their “Spectacular” fourth place finish in the badminton championship on the three day, Carnival cruise in 1987.
You should not ignore the golf cart mafia who roar into the only empty parking place at exactly 4:30, firmly fit their US ARMY baseball cap on their head, flick their left hand at their wife, reminding her to order your tea because their bowels just decided to move, and greet every single server by name on their way to the mens room in the back corner.
Post by: Mr Pou on January 26, 2022, 05:59:19 AM
You can retire to New York City where...
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can retire to The Deep South where...
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
Yeah, "the city." I lived in the Hudson Valley a good bit above NYC, in a decent sized city, yet when someone said "I'm going to the city for the weekend" everyone knew what they meant.
And you missed it a little, it's "Well bless his little heart" said with a sugary sweatness. And, this is no different than "the city" resident adding "just sayin" after a chide remark. Of course Seinfeld made that one famous.
Post by: Lucifer on January 26, 2022, 06:15:19 AM
Post by: Rush on January 29, 2022, 09:00:07 AM
Post by: texasag93 on February 03, 2022, 08:03:08 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2022, 02:25:50 PM
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group. Especially those over 65.
A friend had his 3rd dose of the vaccine "the booster" at the Pharmacy. After the shot he had blurred vision on his way home.
When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor or to be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.
Post by: Rush on February 07, 2022, 02:37:37 PM
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group. Especially those over 65.
A friend had his 3rd dose of the vaccine "the booster" at the Pharmacy. After the shot he had blurred vision on his way home.
When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor or to be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.
Hahaha! I did that recently. Left the house and got halfway out of my neighborhood wondering why everything was so blurry. Had to turn around and go back to get my glasses.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 07, 2022, 03:32:14 PM
Hahaha! I did that recently. Left the house and got halfway out of my neighborhood wondering why everything was so blurry. Had to turn around and go back to get my glasses.
I suppose that's one advantage of having really poor uncorrected vision... If I wasn't wearing my contacts or my glasses I'd have trouble finding the door to the garage.
Post by: Number7 on February 07, 2022, 07:46:24 PM
First, artists chose to remove their music from Spotify. Then, they came for a hundred episodes of Joe Rogan's podcast due to alleged misinformation. Now, the entire Spotify library is being rummaged through by anti-misinformation activists with the goal of identifying misinformation across the platform.
Here are 10 songs Spotify will be removing for misinformation.
1) "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Deon
Fact-check: false. The heart stops pumping blood as soon as brain activity ceases. Also, you have myocarditis.
2) "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles
The science is clear – love is not all you need. Food, water, oxygen, and a stable ambient temperature are far more critical.
3) "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Michael Bolton
This song implies there are only two genders. Not good. The year is 2022, Michael Bolton.
4) "Run The World (Girls)" by Beyoncé Knowles
Not true. The vast majority of CEOs and world leaders are male.
5) "This Land Is Your Land" by Woody Guthrie
Elizabeth Warren and many noble indigenous peoples like her would disagree.
6) "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon
There are 62.
7) "WAP" by Cardi B
That is not how you spell "wop," which is a derogatory term for Italians. Do better, Cardi B.
8) "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin
Natural?! I can't even.
9) "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins
People only have one heart. Phil Collins is an idiot.
10) "A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin
Nope, still earth.
Listen to all your factually incorrect songs while you still can, kids!
Post by: Little Joe on February 08, 2022, 07:45:05 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on February 08, 2022, 12:16:22 PM
The new airline says they'll feature animals fighting on the tail in their new livery."
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 08, 2022, 06:22:23 PM
Post by: President in Exile YOLT on February 10, 2022, 10:17:11 AM
Their waiter, Brandon, took their orders. He asked Dr. Jill what she would like?
She replied she would like the petite filet mignon, medium well, with a baked potato and sour cream on the side. House dressing on the salad.
Brandon then said, "and your vegetable?" Dr. Jill replied, "He'll have the same!"
Post by: Number7 on February 10, 2022, 01:54:05 PM
Yeah, "the city." I lived in the Hudson Valley a good bit above NYC, in a decent sized city, yet when someone said "I'm going to the city for the weekend" everyone knew what they meant.
And you missed it a little, it's "Well bless his little heart" said with a sugary sweatness. And, this is no different than "the city" resident adding "just sayin" after a chide remark. Of course Seinfeld made that one famous.
Where did you live?
I lived in Poughkeepsie for IBM once upon a LONG time ago.
Post by: Username on February 10, 2022, 05:23:21 PM
Where did you live?Cool! I was an IBMmer way back in San Jose. Small world.
I lived in Poughkeepsie for IBM once upon a LONG time ago.
Post by: Little Joe on February 10, 2022, 07:26:51 PM
Where did you live?With apologies to Gene Hackman,
I lived in Poughkeepsie for IBM once upon a LONG time ago.
“did you ever pick your toes in Poughkeepsie?”
Post by: Number7 on February 10, 2022, 07:51:10 PM
Great food, amazing scenery, the Hudson River and wonderful cultural opportunities, besides a magnificent school system.
Like everything else they touch, democrats ruined it.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 10, 2022, 07:57:50 PM
Cool! I was an IBMmer way back in San Jose. Small world.
And did you have to wear a white dress shirt and a black tie? Or had they moved on to Oxford shirts and khakis by your time?
Post by: Number7 on February 10, 2022, 08:42:34 PM
And did you have to wear a white dress shirt and a black tie? Or had they moved on to Oxford shirts and khakis by your time?
In the building where I worked we wore black suit, white shirt and red tie. My starting time was 7:12 AM. They staggered arrival and departures to cut down on parking lot friction.
Their employee country club was first rate. Great golf course, wonderful dances and concerts. Montivani, (so) the Harlem Globe Trotters and the boys town choir were just some the events we loved. They had a bowling alley on the basement and it cost 25 cents a game, on the honor system.
They put on bus trips into the city to see broadway shows and concerts at Carnegie Hall. New Years Eve parties with orchestras and dancing.
Now it's a shell of itself, the country club is gone and the plants have been sold off, or closed.
Post by: bflynn on February 11, 2022, 03:08:05 AM
An assistant to Hillary told her she had a fantastic dream last night.
There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Hillary. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Hillary went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.
Hillary was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on February 11, 2022, 04:54:51 AM
Post by: Mr Pou on February 11, 2022, 05:44:34 AM
Where did you live?
I lived in Poughkeepsie for IBM once upon a LONG time ago.
That would be it. I also worked for IBM a long time ago, both at the Poughkeepsie and East Fishkill sites depending.
Post by: Mr Pou on February 11, 2022, 05:48:12 AM
Back in the day Poughkeepsie was a bedroom community for New York City, westchester, and people moved there because IBM built massive plants all over that area.
Great food, amazing scenery, the Hudson River and wonderful cultural opportunities, besides a magnificent school system.
Like everything else they touch, democrats ruined it.
The Hudson Valley was a great place for outdoor activites, and yes, culture. I started at IBM about the time the company started changing from what is was to what it is. I stuck it out for a while, saw the writing on the wall, and hit the eject button for other opportunities.
As a single lad I had LOTS of fun going down to the city as I had multiple friends there, and Poughkeepsie being the last stop on the metro north made it easy ride the train, especially if I was visiting friends in Manhattan.
Post by: Mr Pou on February 11, 2022, 05:52:05 AM
In the building where I worked we wore black suit, white shirt and red tie. My starting time was 7:12 AM. They staggered arrival and departures to cut down on parking lot friction.
Their employee country club was first rate. Great golf course, wonderful dances and concerts. Montivani, (so) the Harlem Globe Trotters and the boys town choir were just some the events we loved. They had a bowling alley on the basement and it cost 25 cents a game, on the honor system.
They put on bus trips into the city to see broadway shows and concerts at Carnegie Hall. New Years Eve parties with orchestras and dancing.
Now it's a shell of itself, the country club is gone and the plants have been sold off, or closed.
We wore suits and ties every day as well, maybe once in a while you could get away without the suit coat or sport jacket on Fridays. That was the extent of casual Friday lol! Yes, the country club was fabulous, I'd run the trails there often, and the after work intramural leagues were fantastic. We had a good soccer team, and won the championship two years in a row.
I'm glad I got out when I did, as you say the place is decimated now, especially the East Fishkill site.
Post by: Number7 on February 11, 2022, 06:32:59 AM
That would be it. I also worked for IBM a long time ago, both at the Poughkeepsie and East Fishkill sites depending.
I was assigned to the East Fishkill Bldg 301 for about six months. Then the department was moving to Armonk.
I ended up on South Road for another stretch. I-84 was right behind the East Fishkill plant and it made getting out of town and over to Armonk pretty easy, IIRC.
Post by: Lucifer on February 11, 2022, 06:33:44 AM
Post by: Number7 on February 11, 2022, 06:40:40 AM
I had an aunt that lived in Poughkeepsie and some other family members on my Dad's side. We traveled there for some summer vacations. This was back in the 50's
You might remember people taking the kids on field trips to see the Vanderbilt and Roosevelt's places at Hyde Park.
Bannerman's Island down south of Cold Spring was a great day adventure, too.
Pete Seeger was saving the world and cleaning up the Hudson River. He lived on top of Mount Beacon, looking out towards the river.
G. Gordon Liddy was our local FBI hero, then our DA back in the day, before he was famous for something else, entirely.
Don McClean lived down around Garrison and played in coffee houses and the like in the sixties.
Once upon a time it was a great place to raise your kids.
Post by: Username on February 11, 2022, 07:18:12 AM
And did you have to wear a white dress shirt and a black tie? Or had they moved on to Oxford shirts and khakis by your time?IBM Santa Theresa Labs, 1980s. We had no customer contact so we could dress however. Khakis and polo were most common. A few suits with management, but the dress code was pretty loose. Sometimes jeans and t-shirts, but those were generally reserved for the deep coders.
Post by: nddons on February 11, 2022, 07:42:13 AM
Man, these are some awesome jokes!!!!!(https://media3.giphy.com/media/bC9czlgCMtw4cj8RgH/giphy.gif)
Post by: nddons on February 11, 2022, 07:43:59 AM
Post by: Rush on February 11, 2022, 07:55:48 AM
(https://media2.giphy.com/media/pzYpaJ1nimTAs/giphy.gif)
Willow! I’m rewatching the whole Buffy series as we speak.
Ha! I just found out that’s from American Pie. Still Allison Hannigan though.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 11, 2022, 09:04:49 AM
Willow! I’m rewatching the whole Buffy series as we speak.
REwatching?
why?
Post by: Rush on February 11, 2022, 10:54:46 AM
REwatching?
why?
It’s my inner teenager.
Post by: Rush on February 12, 2022, 05:11:51 AM
#1.
#2.
Post by: nddons on February 12, 2022, 06:47:06 AM
I have two unwritten rules to guide my life:Love it! You should make that into a poster.
#1.
#2.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on February 12, 2022, 07:00:29 AM
Love it! You should make that into a poster. (https://emoji.tapatalk-cdn.com/emoji3.png)I thought she was a poster? 8)
Post by: Little Joe on February 12, 2022, 07:34:12 AM
I thought she was a poster? 8)Wouldn't that be a postess? Or maybe a posteress?
Post by: Rush on February 12, 2022, 07:56:50 AM
Wouldn't that be a postess? Or maybe a posteress?
Racist! I mean, sexist!
This new trend of calling actresses “actors” is driving me crazy. I read an article about a male and a female performer and they were referring to them both as “the actor” and I couldn’t keep straight which one they were talking about. I think it was a domestic abuse allegation. Celebrities have such healthy marriages you know.
Post by: Username on February 12, 2022, 09:04:35 AM
Post by: Anthony on February 12, 2022, 09:06:10 AM
I have two unwritten rules to guide my life:
#1.
#2.
Hmmmm. I have a checklist.
Post by: texasag93 on February 12, 2022, 09:44:30 AM
Post by: Rush on February 12, 2022, 10:01:04 AM
We should borrow a page from the Woke Handbook and just go from actor / actress and call them all actix. Like Latinix. Soon we will all be gender-free. I wish this was a joke.
The left is so about nature with their global warming hysteria. What’s more organically natural than there being two genders in most animals and many plants? Yet this basic biological reality is offensive to them.
Post by: Little Joe on February 12, 2022, 10:09:47 AM
U.S. Olympic Bobsled Team is gonna name their sled after Joe Biden, because nothing has taken America downhill faster than him.Joe Biden: The Quicker Fucker Upper.
Post by: Anthony on February 12, 2022, 12:20:37 PM
The left is so about nature with their global warming hysteria. What’s more organically natural than there being two genders in most animals and many plants? Yet this basic biological reality is offensive to them.
The Left is all about CONTROL and will use anything to get it.
Post by: texasag93 on February 12, 2022, 04:24:39 PM
Post by: nddons on February 12, 2022, 04:55:07 PM
The left is so about nature with their global warming hysteria. What’s more organically natural than there being two genders in most animals and many plants? Yet this basic biological reality is offensive to them.Only because they WANT to get offended.
Post by: Old Crow on February 13, 2022, 11:11:50 AM
Post by: texasag93 on February 14, 2022, 12:06:55 PM
Post by: Old Crow on February 14, 2022, 01:57:49 PM
If the current power grid can't handle a night of 20 degrees temperatures without rolling blackouts, how are we going to plug 100 million electric cars up at night?
Are there any countries that tax their citizens and send some of it to Americans?
Imagine, if you will, a world where every tweet and meme must be fact checked but not a ballot.
How to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That's exactly how gun control works.
Can we still order black coffee? Are brownies being taken off the shelf? Is White Castle changing its name? I'm sure Cracker Barrel is screwed. Can we still play Chinese checkers? Is that season still called Indian summer? No more Italian sausages? How far do you want to go with this foolishness?
Post by: Little Joe on February 14, 2022, 02:49:06 PM
No more Italian sausages? How far do you want to go with this foolishness?They are still called Italian sausages, but odds are, you can't have one. That would be Cultural Appropriation.
But I think I can still have one. My Grandfather's name was Anthony Santoleri. (I guess I'll have to live down that first name of his).
Post by: texasag93 on February 14, 2022, 02:51:42 PM
Post by: texasag93 on February 16, 2022, 05:37:48 PM
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Post by: Mr Pou on February 17, 2022, 05:39:34 AM
AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Dude was either a programmer or an engineer, no doubt.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 17, 2022, 06:01:49 AM
Dude was either a programmer or an engineer, no doubt.
or a mathematician
Post by: Little Joe on February 17, 2022, 06:55:26 AM
or a mathematicianOr an anal OCD smartass. (with a sense of humor).
Post by: Rush on February 17, 2022, 07:22:10 AM
Or an anal OCD smartass. (with a sense of humor).
Or a grammar expert. Does the phrase "get 6" modify avocados, or milk? I think technically it could go either way and be grammatically correct. So you must be more specific.
Post by: Rush on February 19, 2022, 11:10:38 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2022, 08:14:36 AM
Post by: Number7 on February 21, 2022, 11:53:54 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/DUPJDPS.jpg)
Post by: texasag93 on February 22, 2022, 01:35:24 PM
My wife was watching the TV.
She had tears in her eyes and shouted "Don't go in there you silly girl. Stay out of that Church".
I thought she was watching a horror movie, but it turned out to be our wedding video.
Post by: Number7 on February 22, 2022, 02:53:21 PM
I walked into the living room a little while ago.
My wife was watching the TV.
She had tears in her eyes and shouted "Don't go in there you silly girl. Stay out of that Church".
I thought she was watching a horror movie, but it turned out to be our wedding video.
Ahhhh.....
Too short young...
Too Soon Old...
The things we don't know until it is too late.
Post by: Rush on February 22, 2022, 03:16:30 PM
Post by: jb1842 on February 22, 2022, 03:43:22 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 23, 2022, 06:34:57 AM
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each
run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street
corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her
for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued
for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell
back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former
Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the
prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for
five bucks!?"
Post by: Rush on February 25, 2022, 05:12:53 PM
Post by: bflynn on March 04, 2022, 11:47:39 AM
Post by: Rush on March 04, 2022, 07:48:19 PM
Half way down, the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The mechanical engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The software engineer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Post by: Rush on March 12, 2022, 12:18:49 PM
Post by: Lucifer on March 13, 2022, 04:29:51 PM
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I have noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: Fishing 5.0, Football 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housework 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)…
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of Tears 6.2 can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Lingerie 4.6.
Good Luck.
Tech Support
Post by: texasag93 on March 14, 2022, 01:37:00 PM
Post by: Old Crow on March 15, 2022, 02:15:40 PM
So… anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed ASAP!”
Post by: Anthony on March 15, 2022, 02:21:04 PM
“MY girlfriend does not like my beagle Molly. SO I have to rehome her. She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she’s a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you’re down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So… anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed ASAP!”
How did you know al that???
Post by: Lucifer on March 22, 2022, 03:33:32 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 23, 2022, 10:01:37 AM
Post by: Number7 on March 23, 2022, 10:42:16 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZxoK5E.png)
Too true!
Post by: Old Crow on March 25, 2022, 09:58:38 AM
Post by: Lucifer on March 26, 2022, 04:55:57 AM
SEX AT 73
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use
mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
Post by: texasag93 on March 27, 2022, 06:28:40 AM
First off I am ok.
I was a little shaken up this morning as I was robbed at a gas station in Dallas.
After my hands stopped trembling I managed to call the police.
They were quick to respond and calmed me down.
My money is all gone.
The police asked me if I knew who did it.
I said yes... It was pump number 3.
Post by: Rush on April 02, 2022, 08:51:47 AM
Post by: Rush on April 06, 2022, 06:09:05 PM
The commander of the convoy sends an armoured personnel carrier over the hill. After a few minutes and the sound of a fire fight, everything goes quiet. Then when the smoke clears, the same militia man appears at the top of the hill and mocks the convoy again.
This time the Russian commander sends 10 armoured personnel carriers supported with a couple heavy tanks. There is a sound of intense fighting on the other side of the hill, explosions and the smell of gunpowder fills the air - then silence.
A lone Russian soldier emerges from the hill and retreats towards the convoy. At this point, the Russian commander commits his entire force. When seeing his comrades start to fully mobilize the surviving soldier runs towards the commander and pleads with him to stop.
Please don’t go up there... its a trap.... there are TWO of them!
Post by: Username on April 09, 2022, 06:49:55 AM
https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2022/04/08/buttigieg-floridas-parental-rights-in-education-law-will-kill-kids/
Quote
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said Friday on ABC’s “The View” that “he’s right” when asked if he agrees with his husband Chasten Buttigieg’s quote that the “Don’t Say Gay” law “will kill kids” while discussing Florida’s recently passed “Parental Rights in Education” law.
Co-host Ana Navarro said, “The first thing I want to say is I am so sorry that you have become the butt of jokes by some really stupid, stupid people when it comes to your paternity.”
Post by: Rush on April 09, 2022, 07:04:10 AM
Not really a joke, but pretty funny.
https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2022/04/08/buttigieg-floridas-parental-rights-in-education-law-will-kill-kids/
That's crazy. It bans the talk for kindergarten through grade 3. I know of NO ONE in that age group who committed suicide because of gender confusion. Or is that not what they're talking about? How else will it "kill kids"?
Post by: Username on April 09, 2022, 07:39:50 AM
That's crazy. It bans the talk for kindergarten through grade 3. I know of NO ONE in that age group who committed suicide because of gender confusion. Or is that not what they're talking about? How else will it "kill kids"?It was more about Bootijugs being the "butt" of jokes, but I totally agree with your point. It is not the place for schools to teach sexuality of any type to < 4th graders. And even then. Yeah, we all had "sex ed" from our very uncomfortable gym teacher in junior high, but by then we all knew what went where and why. Making it all about "don't say gay" when it's not or all about "kids will die" is pandering to their base and nothing more. I guarantee that none of the critics have actually read the bill.
Post by: Rush on April 09, 2022, 07:46:19 AM
It was more about Bootijugs being the "butt" of jokes, but I totally agree with your point. It is not the place for schools to teach sexuality of any type to < 4th graders. And even then. Yeah, we all had "sex ed" from our very uncomfortable gym teacher in junior high, but by then we all knew what went where and why. Making it all about "don't say gay" when it's not or all about "kids will die" is pandering to their base and nothing more. I guarantee that none of the critics have actually read the bill.
Oh I got the “butt” part. ;D
Post by: Old Crow on April 10, 2022, 03:36:07 PM
Post by: texasag93 on April 10, 2022, 04:15:58 PM
Next Bond movie....
Stop giving them ideas.
Post by: Lucifer on April 14, 2022, 05:15:21 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 14, 2022, 05:23:15 AM
Stop giving them ideas.
Didn't they release a movie a few years ago where 007 was Female? Possibly a Black Female, but I forget.
Post by: Old Crow on April 14, 2022, 12:57:08 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re
asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you
really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is.....
Post by: Rush on April 15, 2022, 04:21:04 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 17, 2022, 02:04:42 PM
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, Finally
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 21, 2022, 07:41:36 AM
Myron goes to the doctor and wails that he can't hear from his right ear.
The doctor says "Well of course you can't hear, you have a suppository in your right ear!"
Myron: "Now I know what I did with my hearing aid"
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 21, 2022, 07:46:19 AM
A guy becomes a hit, and he goes into a pet shop and there is a parrot. The parrot speaks three languages. He buys it and sends it to his monther, just a whim.
He calls his monther "how did you like the parrot?"
She says "it was delicious"
He says to her "Mom! that parrot cost $3000 and spoke three languages!"
She says "why didn't it say something?"
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 21, 2022, 07:50:11 AM
A guy goes into a pet shop, he wants a canary that sings. The owner says this is a beautiful canary, it sings beautiful.
The guy buys it and takes it home. He brings it back the next day and says "it has a bad leg, it's only standing on one leg"
The shop owner says "you want a singer or a dancer?"
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 23, 2022, 05:13:23 AM
https://www.gocomics.com/closetohome/2022/04/23
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 26, 2022, 02:31:53 PM
Post by: Username on April 26, 2022, 03:39:09 PM
Post by: Rush on April 26, 2022, 03:44:28 PM
I remember every one of those "moms then" phrases! School lunch was a brown bag with bologna and velveeta with miracle whip on wonder bread. Better living through chemistry! I never understood how me cleaning my plate helped children starving in China.
First through fifth grade, I walked home for lunch, which would be something like boiled macaroni with ketchup. Maybe I’d catch a few minutes of Ben Casey before I walked back to school, only after the third grade of course when we got our first TV.
Post by: Anthony on April 27, 2022, 02:40:13 AM
I remember every one of those "moms then" phrases! School lunch was a brown bag with bologna and velveeta with miracle whip on wonder bread. Better living through chemistry! I never understood how me cleaning my plate helped children starving in China.
I do too. We had similar upbringing. My parents were about 15 years older than all my friends parents, so they were from the previous generation, so I got all those lines. I would tell my mom to send my food to China if they were so hungry.
Post by: jb1842 on April 27, 2022, 04:36:30 AM
Post by: bflynn on April 27, 2022, 06:15:55 AM
I would tell my mom to send my food to China if they were so hungry.
I would have gotten my hide tanned if I had said that. I know because my older brother did.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on April 27, 2022, 06:30:16 AM
We had a long shelf of old National Geographic magazines, and I would point out to her how all the Chinese kids seemed fat enough to me. Africa was a different story.
I think I was only about eight or nine when I realized that Holy Crap, I had won the birth lottery big time by being born in America. That feeling of extreme gratitude has never left me.
Post by: Rush on April 27, 2022, 06:57:48 AM
I became very adept and dawdling and being the last person at the table. While Mom cleared up and started the dishes, I’d wait until her back was turned and then slip my icky vegetables into my paper napkin, then act like I was helping by tossing it in the garbage.
We had a long shelf of old National Geographic magazines, and I would point out to her how all the Chinese kids seemed fat enough to me. Africa was a different story.
I think I was only about eight or nine when I realized that Holy Crap, I had won the birth lottery big time by being born in America. That feeling of extreme gratitude has never left me.
I think it was the starving children in India in my household. And I too have never stopped appreciating that I was born in this country.
Post by: Anthony on April 27, 2022, 07:37:48 AM
I would have gotten my hide tanned if I had said that. I know because my older brother did.
I said that while I was chained in the basement. My parents had a faux ancient Roman Galley there and I would row like Charlton Heston in Ben Hur.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 27, 2022, 07:40:17 AM
I became very adept and dawdling and being the last person at the table. While Mom cleared up and started the dishes, I’d wait until her back was turned and then slip my icky vegetables into my paper napkin, then act like I was helping by tossing it in the garbage.
...
you are crazy if you think she didn't know what you were doing. Kids usually don't realize that Mom and Dad were once 7 years old...
Post by: Rush on April 27, 2022, 07:42:35 AM
you are crazy if you think she didn't know what you were doing. Kids usually don't realize that Mom and Dad were once 7 years old...
My mother used to say, "I have eyes in the back of my head!"
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on April 27, 2022, 08:27:28 AM
you are crazy if you think she didn't know what you were doing. Kids usually don't realize that Mom and Dad were once 7 years old...
She’s 94, her mind is as sharp as ever, she lives alone and learned how to text and FaceTime, and we just had our morning FaceTime call. I asked her, and she does not remember my mealtime perfidy. Perhaps because I didn’t do it very often, and never with anything too large or liquidy to easily hide in the napkin.
To this day I cringe at the thought of cottage cheese with a canned peach on top. I hated that crap. Also the little personal side dish of stewed tomatoes.
Post by: Username on April 27, 2022, 08:46:59 AM
We had a long shelf of old National Geographic magazines, and I would point out to her how all the Chinese kids seemed fat enough to me. Africa was a different story.Was it Mad Magazine that had a lot of controversy for having a fake ad for a milk chocolate Biafra baby?
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on April 27, 2022, 08:57:47 AM
Was it Mad Magazine that had a lot of controversy for having a fake ad for a milk chocolate Biafra baby?
Could be. They were extremely edgy. The only thing I remember from Mad Magazine is Spy vs. Spy.
Post by: Bamaflyer on April 28, 2022, 05:15:26 AM
To this day I cringe at the thought of cottage cheese with a canned peach on top. I hated that crap. Also the little personal side dish of stewed tomatoes.
I’m with you there! Won’t go near cottage cheese, although I might pick off the fruit piece lol. Even in chili I’m not crazy about stewed tomatoes!
Post by: Rush on April 29, 2022, 12:11:42 PM
Post by: nudnik on April 29, 2022, 03:18:31 PM
Post by: Rush on May 03, 2022, 06:13:43 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on May 06, 2022, 04:58:25 AM
“What’s 9 plus 9?” “12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?” “10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”
Post by: Rush on May 06, 2022, 07:52:41 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 13, 2022, 06:40:09 AM
(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNzwB8vAmCFlG3TTrPEihENQibkS9BSohU1c3aHJpV5y0jfqdFQ-9tnIrYCLBz_qqWrZK-5fMeFYOaHnwROeUEppPqq4dEM4R01cfTwEh8PiOXp8Edk7KLi631R4RSmaS9SWY78AkuPLFp5EMfXBZyAKDK4o0IYy5NaRMRDVXCbVc1VMTJhZqITuG2/s1284/910.jpeg)
Post by: nddons on May 13, 2022, 10:42:27 AM
Not really a joke.I was working at my brothers home in a Chicago suburb last week. We were watching his old, sick dog while he picked up a son at college. I saw some high school kids get off a bus and walk into his cul de sac. One walked on one side of the street, one walked on the other side of the street, and one hung back about 50 feet.
(https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNzwB8vAmCFlG3TTrPEihENQibkS9BSohU1c3aHJpV5y0jfqdFQ-9tnIrYCLBz_qqWrZK-5fMeFYOaHnwROeUEppPqq4dEM4R01cfTwEh8PiOXp8Edk7KLi631R4RSmaS9SWY78AkuPLFp5EMfXBZyAKDK4o0IYy5NaRMRDVXCbVc1VMTJhZqITuG2/s1284/910.jpeg)
None of them were talking or even looking around. A couple had ear buds in, and all were looking at their phones.
It was sad and pathetic.
Your meme is spot on.
Post by: Anthony on May 13, 2022, 01:46:07 PM
When I was young, At the bus stop while waiting, the boys would talk about sports, tv shows, movies, girls, get into fights, throw things at each other, etc. Typical kid stuff. Those days are gone. Sad.
Post by: jb1842 on May 13, 2022, 03:50:55 PM
The levy didn't pass. The bussing got cut back. All the school board got voted out. Hopefully next year when my kid starts kindergarten they fix the bussing. Right now the bus comes at 6:45. Class for him doesn't start until 8:30. So they sit around for an hour doing nothing. And they ride around with kids up to 14 years old. Not happening. No way 5 year olds should be on the bus with teenagers. I'll be driving him if they don't fix it. And we are on the opposite side of town from his school. A 10 minute car ride is a 45 minute bus ride with all the stops. Way too long at his age.
Post by: Rush on May 13, 2022, 04:56:57 PM
School bus stop is in front of my driveway. The school board tried to give a big fuck you to the community last year by cutting back bussing to only one drop off and one pick up for all kids in the district if we didn't pass the levy.
The levy didn't pass. The bussing got cut back. All the school board got voted out. Hopefully next year when my kid starts kindergarten they fix the bussing. Right now the bus comes at 6:45. Class for him doesn't start until 8:30. So they sit around for an hour doing nothing. And they ride around with kids up to 14 years old. Not happening. No way 5 year olds should be on the bus with teenagers. I'll be driving him if they don't fix it. And we are on the opposite side of town from his school. A 10 minute car ride is a 45 minute bus ride with all the stops. Way too long at his age.
This was one of several reasons we pulled our 10th grader out in the middle of the year and homeschooled her the rest of the way. I was taking her to the bus stop like 6 am and picking her up at 4:30 pm. That’s ten and a half hours. For what amounted to maybe a couple hours of actual instruction when you accounted for the class discipline problems, travel, lunch, etc. She was exhausted when she got home and then had to do homework all evening.
Reason number 2 was the gang related shooting that happened a block from the school. It was a neighborhood full of “sun violence” to quote my favorite reporter on the subject, Gen’Quavious Gaczon.
Reason number 3 was her boredom and frustration because they were teaching at a level well below her ability.
Reason number 4 was her hanging out with the rejects, the “Goths”, all dying their hair black and suicidally depressed.
So we nonchalantly planted the idea, then let her come to us asking to homeschool. We made her write a paper and give us a presentation why we should, lol, when it was what we had already decided to do.
The turnaround was almost instantaneous. We got up at 7:00, watched TV together, I laid out the lesson plan and she studied til noon, then was done and free the rest of the day. She turned into a completely different person: Happy.
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 13, 2022, 05:30:52 PM
Post by: Rush on May 13, 2022, 06:39:27 PM
Missing the jokes…just saying. 😏😉
Sorry, I forgot we were in the jokes thread. I’m getting demented.
Post by: Rush on May 13, 2022, 06:41:09 PM
A few from Andy Rooney on sex:
SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings"
5. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's a lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
14. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Edit: Young people won’t get number 11.
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 14, 2022, 06:11:06 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 14, 2022, 06:43:56 AM
Ha! Thanks Rush for getting it back on track. 😂😂😂
The joke thread is kind of a catch all. That's how I view it anyway. So I proclaim, so I pronounce....... ;D ;D ;D
Post by: nddons on May 14, 2022, 09:24:08 AM
Missing the jokes…just saying.We can all be content providers. Just sayin.
Post by: texasag93 on May 15, 2022, 03:21:52 PM
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland!"
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 15, 2022, 06:36:54 PM
*no offense ladies*
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Post by: Lucifer on May 18, 2022, 04:30:18 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 20, 2022, 04:52:55 PM
Post by: Rush on May 27, 2022, 11:12:59 AM
Post by: Rush on May 27, 2022, 11:18:00 AM
Post by: Old Crow on May 29, 2022, 03:14:34 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on May 30, 2022, 07:20:28 AM
Post by: Old Crow on May 31, 2022, 01:34:16 PM
Post by: Old Crow on June 04, 2022, 02:55:43 PM
Post by: jb1842 on June 04, 2022, 03:12:05 PM
https://autos.yahoo.com/florida-man-passenger-crash-fedex-172900159.html
That journalist has a way with words. Pure poetry.
Post by: Rush on June 05, 2022, 03:43:24 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 05, 2022, 04:07:02 PM
Post by: Number7 on June 05, 2022, 08:22:59 PM
Post by: Rush on June 06, 2022, 04:16:27 AM
Secretary = Broad that comes to work Complete with knee pads.
I thought that was White House Intern.
Post by: Lucifer on June 06, 2022, 05:12:06 AM
I thought that was White House Intern.
Portable Cigar Holder
Post by: Lucifer on June 06, 2022, 05:20:48 AM
Post by: Old Crow on June 07, 2022, 05:14:10 AM
An old drunkard, with a ragged and dirty look came in to apply for the position:
The director of the winery wondered how to nicely send him away in this all too Politically Correct world.
He gave him a glass of their low-end wine to drink.
The old drunk sipped it and without the traditional sniffing or swirling said.
“It’s Muscatel, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
“That’s correct.” Said the boss.
Then he gave him another glass.
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. It requires three more years for the finest results.”
“That’s Correct.”
And he gave him a third glass.
“It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive.” The old drunk man said calmly.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it of course.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don’t get the job I’ll name the father!”
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 10, 2022, 08:11:11 AM
(and it didn't ....gone)
Post by: Rush on June 10, 2022, 12:01:46 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 10, 2022, 12:03:22 PM
.
that's cold
Post by: Old Crow on June 10, 2022, 12:17:20 PM
that's coldBut a fact.
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 10, 2022, 12:52:44 PM
But a fact.
Depends on the size of the salad and the caliber of the weapon. An M110 howitzer seems unlikely, while a NAA-22S Mini revolver is possible.
Post by: jb1842 on June 10, 2022, 01:16:07 PM
Depends on the size of the salad and the caliber of the weapon. An M110 howitzer seems unlikely, while a NAA-22S Mini revolver is possible.
Put the large weaponry in a gym.
Post by: Anthony on June 10, 2022, 04:24:20 PM
that's cold
Do you think that fat, racist, anti American harpy deserves any kind of pass? I don't.
Post by: Rush on June 10, 2022, 05:02:47 PM
Do you think that fat, racist, anti American harpy deserves any kind of pass? I don't.
I took it as the kind of “that’s cold” between friends when you get a good one off on someone and you’re being complimented for it. Don’t know if that’s what he meant but that’s how I took it.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 10, 2022, 05:06:28 PM
I took it as the kind of “that’s cold” between friends when you get a good one off on someone and you’re being complimented for it. Don’t know if that’s what he meant but that’s how I took it.
You pretty much nailed it
Post by: Anthony on June 10, 2022, 06:27:21 PM
You pretty much nailed it
Bob. You're a big Whoopi fan. Right? Lol! No green needed.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 10, 2022, 08:09:21 PM
Bob. You're a big Whoopi fan. Right? Lol! No green needed.
not that big
Post by: texasag93 on June 10, 2022, 08:17:49 PM
His di** was stuck in the chicken.
(a marine told me that one, we had both been drinking)
Post by: Lucifer on June 11, 2022, 06:17:18 AM
“What’s up?” asked the sailor.
One marine replies “Gunny sent us over here to find out how tall this pole is” as both kept looking up scratching their heads.
Sailor replies “Easy man, just pull it out of the ground, lay it down and measure it”. He just laughs and keeps walking.
Both marines look at him, then look at the pole, then look back at the sailor walking away.
Then, the one marine yells out “You stupid fuckin’ squid, Gunny wants to know how tall it is, not how long!”
Post by: Rush on June 11, 2022, 07:01:53 AM
Two marines were staring at a telephone pole, when a young sailor came walking by.
“What’s up?” asked the sailor.
One marine replies “Gunny sent us over here to find out how tall this pole is” as both kept looking up scratching their heads.
Sailor replies “Easy man, just pull it out of the ground, lay it down and measure it”. He just laughs and keeps walking.
Both marines look at him, then look at the pole, then look back at the sailor walking away.
Then, the one marine yells out “You stupid fuckin’ squid, Gunny wants to know how tall it is, not how long!”
Isn’t there a way to do that by measuring the shadow and knowing where the sun is and using geometry and angles and stuff to calculate it?
Post by: jb1842 on June 11, 2022, 07:07:59 AM
Isn’t there a way to do that by measuring the shadow and knowing where the sun is and using geometry and angles and stuff to calculate it?
Wer'e talking Marines here. I was one in my younger years. I had Marines who could barely tell their left from their right. And we were in Comm and supposedly had higher ASVAB requirements!
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on June 11, 2022, 07:14:02 AM
Isn’t there a way to do that by measuring the shadow and knowing where the sun is and using geometry and angles and stuff to calculate it?Are you some kind of engineer or something :D
Post by: Rush on June 11, 2022, 07:22:09 AM
Are you some kind of engineer or something :D
Yes. You can tell by my lack of sense of humor. Rather than appreciating the point of the joke I go straight to wondering why they don’t implement the obvious math solution.
Post by: Lucifer on June 11, 2022, 07:29:47 AM
Yes. You can tell by my lack of sense of humor. Rather than appreciating the point of the joke I go straight to wondering why they don’t implement the obvious math solution.
This is for you Rush.
What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
Post by: Rush on June 11, 2022, 08:20:53 AM
This is for you Rush.
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
That one is true! Our first daughter was conceived on New Year’s Eve when we got drunk.
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 11, 2022, 09:46:45 AM
Isn’t there a way to do that by measuring the shadow and knowing where the sun is and using geometry and angles and stuff to calculate it?
Simplest: Make a stick that reaches from one stretched-out hand to your nose. Now hold the stick out vertically by that stretched-out hand and walk toward or away from the pole until the stick appears the same height as the pole. Your ground distance from the pole is now equal to the height of the pole. If you know your pace length you can pace out the ground length and find the height of the object. Or use more conventional measuring tape. No trig involved.
This all works because the stick and your stretched arm made a right-angled triangle with equal sides and you've optically established the same equal sided triangle between you and the top of the pole.
Sorry - back to the jokes!
Post by: Username on June 11, 2022, 09:53:24 AM
Simplest: Make a stick that reaches from one stretched-out hand to your nose. Now hold the stick out vertically by that stretched-out hand and walk toward or away from the pole until the stick appears the same height as the pole. Your ground distance from the pole is now equal to the height of the pole. If you know your pace length you can pace out the ground length and find the height of the object. Or use more conventional measuring tape. No trig involved.Find a one-foot stick and put it in the ground. Measure the shadow. This gives you the ratio of shadow to a one foot stick. Measure the shadow of the pole. Apply the ratio and there you go.
This all works because the stick and your stretched arm made a right-angled triangle with equal sides and you've optically established the same equal sided triangle between you and the top of the pole.
Sorry - back to the jokes!
Or pick up the phone and ask the power company.
Alternate: Guess it's ten feet tall. Boss doesn't agree and measures it himself. Ask him what he got as a measurement and blame the difference on a transposition error.
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 11, 2022, 10:17:12 AM
Find a one-foot stick and put it in the ground. Measure the shadow. This gives you the ratio of shadow to a one foot stick. Measure the shadow of the pole. Apply the ratio and there you go.
Or pick up the phone and ask the power company.
Alternate: Guess it's ten feet tall. Boss doesn't agree and measures it himself. Ask him what he got as a measurement and blame the difference on a transposition error.
To find the height of a pole at night you get a partner to stand near it and then you climb the pole. Drop a rock and time how long before you hear "Ouch!" The height of the pole is g*t*t/2.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 11, 2022, 11:56:02 AM
That one is true! Our first daughter was conceived on New Year’s Eve when we got drunk.
I don't think that is quite the reason... more to it than you getting drunk...
Post by: Anthony on June 11, 2022, 04:53:00 PM
I don't think that is quite the reason... more to it than you getting drunk...
Wait. Alcohol doesn't cause sex? Who knew??? ;D
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 11, 2022, 04:58:31 PM
Alternate: Guess it's ten feet tall. Boss doesn't agree and measures it himself. Ask him what he got as a measurement and blame the difference on a transposition error.
another alternate: use obscure/unknown units.
Post by: Rush on June 11, 2022, 05:52:11 PM
Wait. Alcohol doesn't cause sex? Who knew??? ;D
Thanks. I’ve been trying to think of a snappy comeback and was drawing a blank.
Post by: Anthony on June 11, 2022, 06:52:30 PM
Thanks. I’ve been trying to think of a snappy comeback and was drawing a blank.
Well actually Bob is correct as usual. It's really the sex part, but we all know Tequila does make your clothes fall off. Don't ask me how I know.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 11, 2022, 07:05:01 PM
Thanks. I’ve been trying to think of a snappy comeback and was drawing a blank.
would alcohol have helped or made it more difficult?
I confess that I don't drink and so wouldn't know from personal experience.
Post by: Rush on June 11, 2022, 07:13:23 PM
would alcohol have helped or made it more difficult?
I confess that I don't drink and so wouldn't know from personal experience.
Alcohol may have interfered with our judgement regarding the use of birth control. But it was all good, we had planned to stop using it soon anyway.
Post by: Old Crow on June 12, 2022, 04:09:43 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 14, 2022, 02:17:41 PM
and, of course, it didn't
Post by: Old Crow on June 14, 2022, 02:19:17 PM
Lt. Cmdr Coe was CO of the USS Skipjack when he wrote his famous "toilet paper" letter to the Mare Island Supply Office.
USS Skipjack (SS-184) near Mare Island in 1942
June 11, 1942
From: Commanding Officer
To: Supply Officer, Navy Yard, Mare Island, California
Via: Commander Submarines, Southwest Pacific
Subject: Toilet Paper
Reference: (a) USS HOLLAND (5148) USS SKIPJACK req. 70-42 of 30 July 1941.
(b) SO NYMI Canceled invoice No. 272836
Enclosure: (1) Copy of cancelled Invoice (2) Sample of material requested (a roll of toilet paper).
1. This vessel submitted a requisition for 150 rolls of toilet paper on July 30, 1941, to USS HOLLAND. The material was ordered by HOLLAND from the Supply Officer, Navy Yard, Mare Island, for delivery to USS SKIPJACK.
2. The Supply Officer, Navy Yard, Mare Island, on November 26, 1941, cancelled Mare Island Invoice No. 272836 with the stamped notation "Cancelled---cannot identify." This cancelled invoice was received by SKIPJACK on June 10, 1942.
3. During the 11 ¾ months elapsing from the time of ordering the toilet paper and the present date, the SKIPJACK personnel, despite their best efforts to await delivery of subject material, have been unable to wait on numerous occasions, and the situation is now quite acute, especially during depth charge attack by the "back-stabbers."
4. Enclosure (2) is a sample of the desired material provided for the information of the Supply Officer, Navy Yard, Mare Island. The Commanding Officer, USS SKIPJACK cannot help but wonder what is being used in Mare Island in place of this unidentifiable material, once well known to this command.
5. SKIPJACK personnel during this period have become accustomed to use of "ersatz," i.e., the vast amount of incoming non-essential paper work, and in so doing feel that the wish of the Bureau of Ships for the reduction of paper work is being complied with, thus effectively killing two birds with one stone.
6. It is believed by this command that the stamped notation "cannot identify" was possible error, and that this is simply a case of shortage of strategic war material, the SKIPJACK probably being low on the priority list.
7. In order to cooperate in our war effort at a small local sacrifice, the SKIPJACK desires no further action be taken until the end of the current war, which has created a situation aptly described as "war is hell."
J.W. Coe
Here is the rest of the story:
The letter was given to the Yeoman, telling him to type it up. Once typed and upon reflection, the Yeoman went looking for help in the form of the XO. The XO shared it with the OD and they proceeded to the CO's cabin and asked if he really wanted it sent. His reply, "I wrote it, didn't I?"
As a side note, twelve days later, on June 22, 1942 J.W. Coe was awarded the Navy Cross for his actions on the S-39.
The "toilet paper" letter reached Mare Island Supply Depot. A member of that office remembers that all officers in the Supply Department "had to stand at attention for three days because of that letter." By then, the letter had been copied and was spreading throughout the fleet and even to the President's son who was aboard the USS Wasp.
As the boat came in from her next patrol, Jim and crew saw toilet-paper streamers blowing from the lights along the pier and pyramids of toilet paper stacked seven feet high on the dock. Two men were carrying a long dowel with toilet paper rolls on it with yards of paper streaming behind them as a band played coming up after the roll holders. Band members wore toilet paper neckties in place of their Navy neckerchiefs. The wind-section had toilet paper pushed up inside their instruments and when they blew, white streamers unfurled from trumpets and horns.
As was the custom for returning boats to be greeted at the pier with cases of fresh fruit/veggies and ice cream, the Skipjack was first greeted thereafter with her own distinctive tribute-cartons and cartons of toilet paper.
This letter became famous in submarine history books and found its way to the movie ("Operation Petticoat"), and eventually coming to rest (copy) at the Navy Supply School at Pensacola, Florida. There, it still hangs on the wall under a banner that reads, "Don't let this happen to you!" Even John Roosevelt insured his father got a copy of the letter.
The original is at Bowfin Museum in Hawaii:
https://eugeneleeslover.com/.../Infamous_Toilet_Paper...
This page tells the story of the "Infamous Toilet Paper Letter" written and sent in 1942 by the CO of the USS Skipjack in an effort to get re-supply of a most important commodity. Updated 1/18/2013 to add photo of original document.
Post by: Lucifer on June 15, 2022, 05:32:54 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 15, 2022, 06:27:30 AM
Post by: bflynn on June 15, 2022, 09:47:01 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=2766)
Post by: Lucifer on June 18, 2022, 08:14:47 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 18, 2022, 09:51:10 PM
Post by: nddons on June 19, 2022, 02:56:50 PM
That one is true! Our first daughter was conceived on New Year’s Eve when we got drunk.Lol. My daughter was born on 9/23. We had a nice Christmas and New Years too!
Sent from my iPad . Squirrel!!
Post by: Lucifer on June 19, 2022, 06:18:00 PM
Putin himself decided to send Biden a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Biden opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Biden was baffled, so he emailed it to John Kerry, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA. With no clue as to the meaning. The FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds, the Marine Corp called back with this message. “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down."
Post by: Lucifer on June 22, 2022, 05:27:09 AM
Post by: Rush on June 23, 2022, 07:38:01 PM
Post by: Rush on June 25, 2022, 05:03:57 AM
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
Post by: Old Crow on June 25, 2022, 05:27:45 AM
and all just because of a state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Trooper:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Trooper:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
Post by: texasag93 on June 25, 2022, 04:45:30 PM
Well crap.. I think my license might be in jeopardy..
and all just because of a state trooper...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Trooper: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Trooper: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Trooper:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Trooper:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Trooper:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Trooper:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend... once I get out of the hospital.
FIFY
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 26, 2022, 03:29:04 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on June 26, 2022, 04:26:06 AM
They happen live at either 9:00 or 10:00 am EDT every day. He actually answers folks that follow along and type in questions.
Post by: Lucifer on June 28, 2022, 03:54:52 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 30, 2022, 08:51:33 PM
After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-a** punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
The rest of the year went smoothly.
Post by: Lucifer on July 04, 2022, 06:12:47 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 06, 2022, 04:16:35 AM
Post by: Jim Logajan on July 06, 2022, 09:52:15 PM
Post by: Username on July 07, 2022, 03:54:34 PM
Post by: Rush on July 07, 2022, 04:52:47 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Post by: Anthony on July 07, 2022, 05:34:29 PM
Yep.
I'd do the younger one. The hag can stay in her basement, alone, drinking gallons of her Chardonnay cursing Donald Trump!
Post by: nddons on July 08, 2022, 06:48:46 AM
^^^^^^That would imply that the one with the large hole was well used. I have some serious doubts about that.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Post by: jb1842 on July 08, 2022, 07:08:44 AM
That would imply that the one with the large hole was well used. I have some serious doubts about that.
Well used by women and strapons maybe.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on July 08, 2022, 07:38:04 AM
https://gab.com/RealMarjorieGreene/posts/108608658069615047
Post by: Rush on July 09, 2022, 04:13:25 AM
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Post by: nddons on July 10, 2022, 11:47:01 AM
Need to raise the tone of this thread! ;DI love MTG!
https://gab.com/RealMarjorieGreene/posts/108608658069615047
Post by: Old Crow on July 12, 2022, 11:51:51 AM
Post by: Number7 on July 12, 2022, 01:15:48 PM
Real definition of Woke.
What she means is: "I hate manly men because they see me for the fat, ugly, nasty, bitch I am and refuse to worship at my feet."
Post by: Rush on July 23, 2022, 07:38:25 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on July 23, 2022, 08:58:27 AM
.And, with Uncle Sam that's once a month.
Post by: Rush on August 01, 2022, 07:24:28 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on August 01, 2022, 11:50:47 AM
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper"
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman!
Post by: Bamaflyer on August 01, 2022, 11:54:56 AM
She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."
"Well, we have them, and you could have."
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"
"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't!"
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 🤣
Post by: Anthony on August 01, 2022, 03:40:25 PM
Post by: Rush on August 06, 2022, 02:02:04 PM
broke into my house...
I put the red dot
on his chest and
the cat did the rest.
Post by: Rush on August 08, 2022, 11:00:15 AM
Post by: nddons on August 08, 2022, 11:47:13 AM
.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220808/83a2b416114ec0624b69ad4cc8191c10.jpg)
Post by: nddons on August 08, 2022, 12:24:57 PM
Post by: Lucifer on August 10, 2022, 05:57:58 AM
Post by: Lucifer on August 10, 2022, 07:46:48 AM
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be a politician.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.
Post by: Rush on August 12, 2022, 10:22:19 AM
The female mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Post by: nddons on August 12, 2022, 10:33:10 AM
The Hot Air Balloon....I’ve heard this identical joke, except that the balloonist was a woman, and the engineer on the ground was a man.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be a politician.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.
Methinks lucifer is becoming a squishy feminist.
Post by: Old Crow on August 15, 2022, 10:00:04 AM
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT: 5.6% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 23%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT: 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Biden said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work.
Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a Democrat.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said..!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Biden....
Post by: Rush on August 15, 2022, 10:02:45 AM
Post by: Number7 on August 15, 2022, 11:39:34 AM
^^^That’s more truth than joke.
The BEST jobs program is an unemployment check - nancy pelosi.
Post by: Old Crow on August 18, 2022, 10:29:25 AM
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
Post by: Lucifer on August 20, 2022, 06:25:25 AM
Post by: texasag93 on August 21, 2022, 03:43:00 PM
Post by: Number7 on August 21, 2022, 04:06:08 PM
that there is funny!
Post by: texasag93 on August 21, 2022, 04:19:28 PM
I don’t care who you are…
that there is funny!
I wish I was smart enough to make memes like that, but I am smart enough to copy and paste to pass it along.
Post by: texasag93 on August 23, 2022, 09:07:46 AM
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a car pulled up driven by a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she said. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this.”
We arrived at her house which was just few miles away and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now.”
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"
Post by: Rush on August 26, 2022, 09:25:31 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on August 26, 2022, 09:31:55 AM
Post by: Lucifer on August 27, 2022, 08:42:40 AM
Post by: Old Crow on August 30, 2022, 02:13:02 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 03, 2022, 05:37:00 PM
Post by: nddons on September 05, 2022, 07:41:43 AM
Post by: Anthony on September 05, 2022, 09:47:23 AM
Post by: nddons on September 06, 2022, 08:54:22 AM
Post by: Number7 on September 06, 2022, 11:06:08 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20220906/d53ef3f5f3601db6dbc97a5a76169a91.jpg)
Sad and painful… but true.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on September 06, 2022, 03:16:08 PM
Post by: Mase on September 06, 2022, 03:45:08 PM
Post by: nddons on September 06, 2022, 03:57:53 PM
Sad and painful… but true.Ye. I wish we had a “Truth Thread” but the joke thread had to do.
Post by: nddons on September 07, 2022, 08:18:06 AM
Post by: texasag93 on September 07, 2022, 11:19:29 AM
Post by: nddons on September 07, 2022, 03:23:36 PM
Post by: Rush on September 09, 2022, 10:08:07 AM
Post by: Old Crow on September 12, 2022, 10:28:43 AM
THE WAR OF 1812 AT WAL-MART
Yesterday, I wore a Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, a younger guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?”
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812....” I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.
"1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?”
"It was a Black Op Mission. No one is supposed to know about it.” This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?”
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still classified 'Top Secret' and I shouldn't have said anything.”
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look. . "Like, what's gonna’ happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you?
We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.
The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her. After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 12, 2022, 10:38:29 AM
Post by: texasag93 on September 12, 2022, 11:29:02 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 15, 2022, 05:38:20 AM
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter, --- let's look for yours."
Post by: Rush on September 17, 2022, 11:43:46 AM
Post by: Rush on September 18, 2022, 03:46:57 AM
Post by: Rush on September 18, 2022, 03:48:04 AM
Post by: bflynn on September 18, 2022, 03:53:51 AM
Post by: nddons on September 19, 2022, 08:08:46 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on September 19, 2022, 08:16:51 AM
I understand the Massachusetts National Guard has been asked to return to Martha’s Vineyard to look for one of the illegal immigrants that got missed. Apparently he fooled them the first time by showing a fake birth certificate from Hawaii.
I doubt the gov would do that. :-/
Post by: Anthony on September 19, 2022, 07:09:18 PM
All too true. :(
Says it all. Ewwww!
Post by: nddons on September 20, 2022, 07:35:25 AM
Says it all. Ewwww!I won’t comment on Rush’s post directly as I don’t want that picture to pop up, but dear God, do companies think this marketing works? Catering to the 1% weirdos?
Post by: Rush on September 20, 2022, 08:41:43 AM
I won’t comment on Rush’s post directly as I don’t want that picture to pop up, but dear God, do companies think this marketing works? Catering to the 1% weirdos?
I don’t know if that picture is real, but apparently marketing to the trans men is a thing with them:
https://www.dailywire.com/news/calvin-klein-includes-pregnant-trans-man-in-ad-campaign
Post by: Anthony on September 20, 2022, 02:17:39 PM
I won’t comment on Rush’s post directly as I don’t want that picture to pop up, but dear God, do companies think this marketing works? Catering to the 1% weirdos?
No. They're marketing to the 50% Woke Public who embrace this utter CRAP. Virtue Signalers all. Look how evolved I am, they think. Douche Bags.
Post by: nddons on September 20, 2022, 02:19:39 PM
No. They're marketing to the 50% Woke Public who embrace this utter CRAP. Virtue Signalers all. Look how evolved I am, they think. Douche Bags.I can’t believe it’s 50% who embrace this crap. My guess is 10-20%, but it’s a loud 10-20%.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on September 20, 2022, 02:24:26 PM
Post by: Bamaflyer on September 20, 2022, 02:58:56 PM
Post by: Anthony on September 20, 2022, 04:31:42 PM
I can’t believe it’s 50% who embrace this crap. My guess is 10-20%, but it’s a loud 10-20%.
Agreed but they're good pretenders. More virtue signaling.
Post by: Number7 on September 21, 2022, 06:06:23 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20210106/8ed3c8521b7314998b01080d94734a97.jpg)
Who is that UGLY guy between the marine and Melania???
Post by: Number7 on September 21, 2022, 06:08:56 AM
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration :
"HECK! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Isn't that broad named AOC?
Post by: texasag93 on September 21, 2022, 07:35:58 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 03, 2022, 02:33:51 PM
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
Post by: nddons on October 04, 2022, 04:51:24 AM
Post by: nddons on October 04, 2022, 04:51:28 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 04, 2022, 01:03:45 PM
https://www.supremecourt.gov/DocketPDF/22/22-293/242292/20221003125252896_35295545_1-22.10.03%20-%20Novak-Parma%20-%20Onion%20Amicus%20Brief.pdf
Post by: Rush on October 04, 2022, 01:13:40 PM
stolen from POA and before it gets deleted:
https://www.supremecourt.gov/DocketPDF/22/22-293/242292/20221003125252896_35295545_1-22.10.03%20-%20Novak-Parma%20-%20Onion%20Amicus%20Brief.pdf
Damn. That’s a real filing!
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 04, 2022, 02:56:33 PM
stolen from POA and before it gets deleted:
https://www.supremecourt.gov/DocketPDF/22/22-293/242292/20221003125252896_35295545_1-22.10.03%20-%20Novak-Parma%20-%20Onion%20Amicus%20Brief.pdf
An excellent read. Kudos to the writerz.
Post by: Rush on October 04, 2022, 04:22:06 PM
Post by: Rush on October 07, 2022, 12:21:58 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 08, 2022, 07:16:13 AM
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the military police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Ukraine."
The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Ukraine either."
Post by: Lucifer on October 11, 2022, 10:38:26 AM
Post by: Old Crow on October 11, 2022, 04:13:42 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMnJ_NdU7jM&t=49s
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 11, 2022, 04:40:45 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 11, 2022, 04:46:11 PM
I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen;
mounted in uniform alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap,
then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100
guardsmen).
We’re stood at ease waiting.
Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting
with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.
Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry
about that your Majesty!”
She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I
thought it was your horse!”
200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle
butts on the gravel.
From that moment, every man there adored her!
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on October 12, 2022, 05:15:41 AM
Wanna torture someone? Have them listen to ALL of this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMnJ_NdU7jM&t=49s
also posted on POA... but I bet that post doesn't last long...
Post by: jb1842 on October 12, 2022, 08:19:52 AM
Post by: Old Crow on October 12, 2022, 09:36:23 AM
also posted on POA... but I bet that post doesn't last long...Yep, I put it there just to see what would happen. ;D Still there, moderators must be sleeping.
Post by: Rush on October 14, 2022, 06:52:44 PM
After the checkup the doctor says, "I heard that you have a new girlfriend, and at your age"
The old man answers "yes, she's only 19 years old, and a beast in the sheets. We have Sex three times a day and it's always great!"
The Doctor, surprised, comments "You know, Sex is hard work for the body, and at that age the heart may give up from the stress"
The old man grins toothlessly and says "Well, if she dies, she dies.".
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 17, 2022, 08:04:56 AM
Hahahaha!
Post by: texasag93 on October 18, 2022, 12:53:40 PM
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 18, 2022, 03:24:35 PM
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the priest. “How about why there is a God, or Heaven or Hell, or life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The priest, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2022, 03:29:25 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 18, 2022, 03:30:30 PM
Is there an echo in the room?? :o
You didn't notice the difference?
Edit to add that it is funny shit whoever's ox is being gored.
Post by: texasag93 on October 18, 2022, 03:34:34 PM
Is there an echo in the room?? :o
No
Post by: texasag93 on October 18, 2022, 03:34:51 PM
Is there an echo in the room?? :o
No
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2022, 03:54:47 PM
You didn't notice the difference?
Edit to add that it is funny shit whoever's ox is being gored.
Oh, yes, I forgot. You're also one that likes to "fact check" jokes as well............... ::)
You must be the life of a party......... ;)
(https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgflip.com%2F1b06tq.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=3fabec32a1a5da3018a83c5b9f66f9f9b82e951a9b859d9bafadf20c33096cb7&ipo=images)
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 18, 2022, 04:13:39 PM
Oh, yes, I forgot. You're also one that likes to "fact check" jokes as well............... ::)
You must be the life of a party......... ;)
This is the joke thread and I'm laughing. I even made a joke and you are the one to complain. That right there is funny.
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2022, 05:05:04 PM
This is the joke thread and I'm laughing. I even made a joke and you are the one to complain. That right there is funny.
Jokes on you Cliff.............
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 18, 2022, 05:31:25 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 19, 2022, 06:01:09 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 19, 2022, 06:09:42 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 19, 2022, 06:11:52 AM
Post by: Rush on October 21, 2022, 05:45:56 AM
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.”
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 21, 2022, 03:33:48 PM
"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!"
"May the road rise up to meet you!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Good mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners."
Post by: texasag93 on October 25, 2022, 04:25:10 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 25, 2022, 03:34:56 PM
(http://)
Post by: Anthony on October 25, 2022, 03:43:46 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 25, 2022, 03:51:19 PM
I've been an REI member for decades but rarely go there anymore as it is so Far Left and the people that work there are smug, lefty assholes, mostly.
Yes, they had their pronouns on their name tags. Gag me with a spoon.
Post by: Old Crow on October 25, 2022, 06:27:06 PM
So, the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I love Brad Pitt, and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The boy replied, “Yes. ‘Potentially’ you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’ we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”
Post by: nddons on October 25, 2022, 07:06:47 PM
So I was at REI, and …Why does that not shock me. I like that store, but there are plenty others to choose from.
(http://)
Post by: Rush on October 28, 2022, 07:28:00 AM
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Post by: Old Crow on October 28, 2022, 03:17:04 PM
Post by: texasag93 on October 28, 2022, 03:28:17 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPte54gi0d8
I am literally laughing out loud.
'you little money maker'
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 28, 2022, 03:36:04 PM
;D ;D ;D ;D
Post by: Rush on October 28, 2022, 05:21:05 PM
Post by: texasag93 on October 29, 2022, 02:08:32 PM
Post by: nddons on October 30, 2022, 01:56:16 PM
I demand that Old Crow and texasag93 be banned!!! BANNED, I say!!!Done! Here’s a video of the MC members at our convention in Vegas las month. We were determining punishment for violators.
;D ;D ;D ;D
(https://media3.giphy.com/media/xT0Gqs2LQIevTVmjNm/giphy.gif)
Post by: Lucifer on October 31, 2022, 08:00:36 AM
Post by: Mase on October 31, 2022, 08:57:51 PM
Post by: Rush on November 04, 2022, 05:24:00 AM
sort, sent her husband a
text: "If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams. If you
are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating,
send me a bite. If you are
drinking, send me a sip. If
you are crying, send me
your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically
non-romantic, replied:
"I am on the toilet.
Please advise.”
Post by: nddons on November 05, 2022, 05:09:09 PM
Post by: Old Crow on November 06, 2022, 06:44:26 AM
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.****
And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Post by: Anthony on November 06, 2022, 09:47:12 AM
Post by: nddons on November 16, 2022, 07:58:46 AM
Post by: nddons on November 17, 2022, 11:41:02 PM
Post by: Rush on November 18, 2022, 05:09:09 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 21, 2022, 07:06:04 AM
She went out onto the ice with her gear and after getting comfy on the stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice as she had seen on the internet. As she was cutting, she heard a voice from the heavens speak out, saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde was startled. She stood up and looked around but saw no one. Cautiously, she moved a little further out onto the ice and set up in a different spot. She sipped some hot chocolate from her thermos and then started cutting another hole. Again, the voice called out, seemingly from all around her."THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"
Now feeling quite scared and starting to get a bit frustrated, she moved all the way to the far end of the ice and laid out all her gear, sat upon her stool and started cutting another hole. Right away, the heavenly voice boomed out, this time louder than ever, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!".
She jumped off her stool and looked all around her. She shouted to the heavens, "IS THAT YOU, LORD?"The voice answered, "NO. THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK. THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 21, 2022, 09:34:43 AM
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" (https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/t5/1/16/1f382.png)
Post by: Rush on November 21, 2022, 07:01:26 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 21, 2022, 07:34:11 PM
.
I'm 4 of the 7.
Post by: Rush on November 21, 2022, 07:48:25 PM
I'm 4 of the 7.
Let me guess, white and black mixed, straight and atheist? White, gay, religious pirate?
I’m two of them. White and straight. I’m neither religious nor atheist, not a pirate and not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 21, 2022, 08:08:47 PM
Let me guess, white and black mixed, straight and atheist? White, gay, religious pirate?
I’m two of them. White and straight. I’m neither religious nor atheist, not a pirate and not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Argh!
White straight atheist pirate.
OK, maybe that last one is a stretch. No eye patch or peg leg.
Post by: Anthony on November 22, 2022, 05:07:46 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 22, 2022, 05:39:34 AM
I'm the one that voted Democrat.
just once?
slackard
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 22, 2022, 08:51:38 AM
newsbloopers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSUjXhWuGSc
look at the whatisonearthisthat at 5:47.
Oh my goodness...
Post by: Rush on November 22, 2022, 09:26:23 AM
newsbloopers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSUjXhWuGSc
look at the whatisonearthisthat at 5:47.
Oh my goodness...
Could have been one of my friends in 1972.
I have no problem with these guys. I have a problem with them participating in women’s sports. And a problem if they bring that into elementary schools. But I have a problem bringing hetero sex into elementary schools too. But back in 1972 they would not have dreamed of doing these things.
However my biggest problem with these guys is they vote Democrat.
Post by: texasag93 on November 22, 2022, 02:43:08 PM
Post by: Anthony on November 22, 2022, 07:03:38 PM
Could have been one of my friends in 1972.
I have no problem with these guys. I have a problem with them participating in women’s sports. And a problem if they bring that into elementary schools. But I have a problem bringing hetero sex into elementary schools too. But back in 1972 they would not have dreamed of doing these things.
However my biggest problem with these guys is they vote Democrat.
It's a travesty they're sexualizing kids in ANY way.
Post by: Old Crow on November 22, 2022, 08:08:10 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 22, 2022, 08:30:17 PM
https://babylonbee.com/news/top-10-christmas-gift-ideas-for-the-joe-biden-fan-in-your-life
Did you click on the ad for the doll and watch the video the maker made of the doll on sale in a store?
https://www.bigguyofficial.com/ (https://www.bigguyofficial.com/)
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on November 23, 2022, 02:06:05 AM
Did you click on the ad for the doll and watch the video the maker made of the doll on sale in a store?
https://www.bigguyofficial.com/ (https://www.bigguyofficial.com/)
Hahahahahahahahaha!!! That’s hilarious!!! I need those stickers, too.
(http://)
Post by: Rush on November 23, 2022, 05:07:00 AM
Did you click on the ad for the doll and watch the video the maker made of the doll on sale in a store?
https://www.bigguyofficial.com/ (https://www.bigguyofficial.com/)
Hahaha! “This is the most offensive toy I’ve ever seen.” That’s right. Those Dems don’t even know that those are actual recordings of things Biden said, and they are very offensive. They don’t hear about them in their leftist echo chambers. The overt racism of old white Democrats is indeed offensive.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on November 27, 2022, 06:55:29 AM
(http://)
Post by: Anthony on November 27, 2022, 08:00:06 AM
English majors vindicated.
(http://)
Lol!!! I lived in Lexington, KY for 3.5 years. My ex wife (the last one) told me many of the poor, small towns went from making Moonshine to Meth when Meth became a big thing.
Post by: Rush on November 27, 2022, 08:59:42 AM
Lol!!! I lived in Lexington, KY for 3.5 years. My ex wife (the last one) told me many of the poor, small towns went from making Moonshine to Meth when Meth became a big thing.
Did that have something to do with coal mining jobs going away?
Post by: Anthony on November 28, 2022, 08:08:55 AM
Did that have something to do with coal mining jobs going away?
Possibly. Like thr northern rust belt states having poor small towns due to steel, textiles and coal going away.
Post by: Rush on November 28, 2022, 05:40:17 PM
https://twitter.com/WallStreetSilv/status/1597106643329687552
Post by: texasag93 on November 29, 2022, 08:05:14 AM
Dear Sir,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the right Reverend William Cardston and I travel the country preaching the evils of wine women and cards.
I had an assistant that used to sit on the stage while I preached, looking out at the congregation through bleary bloodshot eyes while he slobbered, belched, farted and picked his nose.
Unfortunately my assistant has died and your name was suggested as a worthy replacement.
Is this a position you would be interested in?
Thank you.
Signed Reverend William Cardston
Post by: nddons on November 29, 2022, 02:23:10 PM
Post by: Mr Pou on November 30, 2022, 07:07:17 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20221129/fe6c167ad38bf9d32bff1feebb745deb.jpg)
I liked playing soccer back when I was young and fit enough to do so, but good god is it boring as hell to watch.
Post by: Username on November 30, 2022, 08:51:44 AM
I liked playing soccer back when I was young and fit enough to do so, but good god is it boring as hell to watch.It might be interesting if they made the field about 1/2 its size now. A lot less "he's running! and now the other guy is running! And now they are all running!" Sheesh. And add tackling. Maybe make the ball less round so it can bounce in interesting ways. Hm... I think I just invented Rugby.
Post by: nddons on November 30, 2022, 09:06:11 AM
It might be interesting if they made the field about 1/2 its size now. A lot less "he's running! and now the other guy is running! And now they are all running!" Sheesh. And add tackling. Maybe make the ball less round so it can bounce in interesting ways. Hm... I think I just invented Rugby.I used to be on the board of the Quad Cities Sports Center, a two-rink ice facility that they periodically used for indoor soccer on one of the dry rinks. That seemed much more entertaining, with the dasher boards, smaller nets, checking, etc.
Post by: nddons on November 30, 2022, 09:08:16 AM
I liked playing soccer back when I was young and fit enough to do so, but good god is it boring as hell to watch.Last week Matt Walsh said, with regard to the World Cup, something like “I don’t mind soccer. It’s a nice hobby … for kids … if you want them to be communist.”
I spit up my coffee.
Post by: jb1842 on November 30, 2022, 09:26:16 AM
I used to be on the board of the Quad Cities Sports Center, a two-rink ice facility that they periodically used for indoor soccer on one of the dry rinks. That seemed much more entertaining, with the dasher boards, smaller nets, checking, etc.
I played a lot of soccer in my day. Been awhile though. The last time was an indoor league, up at Uihlein Soccer Park. It got a little hockey-like with checking into the boards and stuff. Much more fun and fast paced.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 30, 2022, 10:44:55 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on November 30, 2022, 12:08:11 PM
I liked playing soccer back when I was young and fit enough to do so, but good god is it boring as hell to watch.
Try watching water polo. We ran across it on TV in the summer Olympics once and watched about 15 minutes of it. Massive Olympic-sized pool. Someone lobs a ball and everyone swims swims swims slowly over to it, lobs it, swims swims swims back, and so on.
We laughed so hard we cried when I said I needed a book to read between moments of actual play.
Post by: nddons on November 30, 2022, 04:48:52 PM
Post by: Anthony on December 01, 2022, 05:13:02 AM
Post by: Little Joe on December 01, 2022, 11:19:26 AM
Post by: Rush on December 02, 2022, 07:30:28 AM
Post by: nddons on December 07, 2022, 08:10:17 PM
Post by: Anthony on December 08, 2022, 02:54:58 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on December 08, 2022, 07:19:14 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_8n2q5iI4E
Post by: nddons on December 08, 2022, 10:21:16 AM
Wisconsin guy reminds me of Midwest Siri.Charlie Berens is brilliant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_8n2q5iI4E
This is a great one.
https://youtu.be/sPGrvymxFnk
Post by: Rush on December 09, 2022, 05:44:47 PM
Post by: Rush on December 13, 2022, 02:59:21 PM
Post by: Number7 on December 13, 2022, 03:56:34 PM
.
I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE.
THAT THERE IS FUNNY!!!!
Post by: nddons on December 13, 2022, 08:04:45 PM
https://babylonbee.com/news/rudolph-changes-name-to-rolanda-dominates-female-reindeer-games?fbclid=IwAR1V9lWHFpraIfP7h3HBkqGx0o2pQhsF---MDL9wfMUxZhy2CB6p9YLowP8&mibextid=Zxz2cZ
Post by: Rush on December 16, 2022, 07:07:40 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 17, 2022, 06:18:43 AM
Post by: Rush on December 23, 2022, 03:52:55 PM
Her/she
Post by: Rush on December 23, 2022, 06:02:09 PM
Post by: texasag93 on December 31, 2022, 02:44:43 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on December 31, 2022, 07:51:01 PM
Post by: texasag93 on January 05, 2023, 07:25:19 AM
The lady at the window asks, "how may I help you sir?" to which he replies, " I wanna give you a heads up that there is a woman in your parking lot offering her services for a junior burger with cheese and a small order of fries".
She says, "thank you sir, I will let my manager know. Now may I take your order?"
"Yes", he says, "I'll have a junior burger with cheese and a small order of fries".
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:02:53 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:03:25 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:04:16 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:04:41 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:05:08 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:05:39 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:06:12 AM
Post by: bflynn on January 06, 2023, 05:06:54 AM
Post by: Little Joe on January 08, 2023, 05:33:33 AM
In the end you just ignore everything and click "I agree".
Post by: bflynn on January 11, 2023, 06:32:42 AM
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 07:05:20 AM
.Perhaps I am just dense and don't get the joke,
but I'd love to have one of those.
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2023, 07:09:43 AM
Perhaps I am just dense and don't get the joke,
but I'd love to have one of those.
Biden is trying to outlaw gas stoves.
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 07:21:47 AM
Biden is trying to outlaw gas stoves.So then only outlaws can have gas stoves.
I'm sure glad we live in such a free country.
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2023, 07:38:32 AM
So then only outlaws can have gas stoves.
I'm sure glad we live in such a free country.
Supposedly they "walked it back" after the backlash. No they meant only new ones can't be manufactured. Apparently they aren't coming after existing ones. Yeah, no, that's not "walking it back".
We have a glasstop that I despise and we are planning at some point to convert to gas when we feel like tearing up our kitchen to get a line to the stove area. I will not abide a ban on new gas cooktops. I had one when I was 20 in an apartment and not since, always wanted one again. I already despise the Democrats but this will be the final straw.
Post by: Mase on January 11, 2023, 07:42:21 AM
Post by: nddons on January 11, 2023, 09:16:21 AM
Supposedly they "walked it back" after the backlash. No they meant only new ones can't be manufactured. Apparently they aren't coming after existing ones. Yeah, no, that's not "walking it back".My wife is a pastry chef and she is furious. We sold our home where we had a huge Viking stove, and plan to build a new place in the Wisconsin Northwoods within the next 2 years for retirement. She’s pissed and panicked, and is contemplating buying a big stove and storing it for a couple years.
We have a glasstop that I despise and we are planning at some point to convert to gas when we feel like tearing up our kitchen to get a line to the stove area. I will not abide a ban on new gas cooktops. I had one when I was 20 in an apartment and not since, always wanted one again. I already despise the Democrats but this will be the final straw.
I’m hoping this dies a quick death. Then again it was George Bush who outlawed incandescent light bulbs.
Post by: Rush on January 11, 2023, 09:50:59 AM
My wife is a pastry chef and she is furious. We sold our home where we had a huge Viking stove, and plan to build a new place in the Wisconsin Northwoods within the next 2 years for retirement. She’s pissed and panicked, and is contemplating buying a big stove and storing it for a couple years.
I’m hoping this dies a quick death. Then again it was George Bush who outlawed incandescent light bulbs.
I don’t blame her. I’m still furious over how DC ruined washing machines. And banned phosphates out of dishwasher detergent. Don’t get me started on low flow toilets. And I bought a few hundred incandescent bulbs I’m still using but they take up a lot of room in my closet. I fucking HATE this meddling in our lives.
Post by: elwood blues on January 11, 2023, 09:51:47 AM
Then again it was George Bush who outlawed incandescent light bulbs.
Speaking of..., is it just me or has anyone else noticed that LEDs don't last nearly as long as they are supposed to?
Post by: Username on January 11, 2023, 10:04:31 AM
Speaking of..., is it just me or has anyone else noticed that LEDs don't last nearly as long as they are supposed to?Made in China are crap. There are some good, long-life LED bulbs out there, but takes some searching and research.
I've never liked gas for cooking. I know it's supposed to be better, but I could never get used to fire in the kitchen. Give me a good, reliable coil burner. NOT one of those glass top or induction gimmics.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 11, 2023, 10:07:30 AM
Speaking of..., is it just me or has anyone else noticed that LEDs don't last nearly as long as they are supposed to?
I've never had an LED go bad. Nearly the entire house is LED with many of them controlled through Alexa. All of my fluorescent lights in the basement have been converted.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 11, 2023, 10:15:43 AM
Post by: Mase on January 11, 2023, 10:30:49 AM
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 10:35:06 AM
My wife is a pastry chef and she is furious. We sold our home where we had a huge Viking stove, and plan to build a new place in the Wisconsin Northwoods within the next 2 years for retirement. She’s pissed and panicked, and is contemplating buying a big stove and storing it for a couple years.I hope you don't buy the stove, then cannot get gas.
I’m hoping this dies a quick death. Then again it was George Bush who outlawed incandescent light bulbs.
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 10:36:36 AM
generally, LED bulbs last... but the electronics driving the LEDs crap out...That's pretty much a meaningless distinction. Sort of like the surgery was a success, but the patient died.
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 10:43:17 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 11, 2023, 11:16:40 AM
That's pretty much a meaningless distinction. Sort of like the surgery was a success, but the patient died.
Kind of like the distinction between a ballast and the bulb.
But I'm not making excuses for LEDs failing... just that there is a reality - the LED itself is only part of the relability equation. Put lousy electronics driving the LED and it will fail far earlier than one might expect.
Post by: Little Joe on January 11, 2023, 12:39:19 PM
Kind of like the distinction between a ballast and the bulb.I didn't know that you could replace the electronics of an LED without replacing the LED like I have done with many Fluorescent light ballasts.
And here I have just been throwing the whole bulb away.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on January 11, 2023, 04:40:01 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on January 11, 2023, 04:45:34 PM
(http://)
Post by: Anthony on January 11, 2023, 06:32:16 PM
You know what is the most toxic to people’s health? Liberal bossy-pants interfering assholes.
(http://)
I grow tired of these controlling assholes. Leave me the fuck alone.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 12, 2023, 06:43:11 AM
I grow tired of these controlling assholes. Leave me the fuck alone.
but don't you like clean air and water?
(green font for those that don't detect the sarcasm)
Post by: Anthony on January 12, 2023, 10:31:45 AM
but don't you like clean air and water?
(green font for those that don't detect the sarcasm)
Yes, I want my kids to grow up in toxic waste. ;D
Post by: Number7 on January 12, 2023, 11:12:43 AM
From zero to total devotion in a few hours...
You would think someone was managing them all.
Post by: Bamaflyer on January 13, 2023, 06:30:33 AM
It fascinates me how suddenly the leftist, communist party can coalesce around whatever new bullshit lie they are pushing.
From zero to total devotion in a few hours...
You would think someone was managing them all.
Trees will be next, too much shade.
Post by: Rush on January 13, 2023, 07:46:50 AM
Post by: texasag93 on January 13, 2023, 07:48:51 AM
I asked her if she used the self checkout register.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 13, 2023, 07:54:35 AM
My wife came home from shopping saying what a miserable bitch the clerk at the store was.
I asked her if she used the self checkout register.
like sleeping on the couch, do ya?
Post by: texasag93 on January 13, 2023, 08:13:19 AM
like sleeping on the couch, do ya?
That is what my buddy said.
This was a stolen joke. I would not be on this side of the dirt if I ever said that to my wife. I may end up dead if I ever thought it!
Post by: Little Joe on January 13, 2023, 11:24:46 AM
RIP.
This was a stolen joke. I would not be on this side of the dirt if I ever said that to my wife. I may end up dead if I ever thought it!
Post by: Rush on January 13, 2023, 11:40:46 AM
That is what my buddy said.
This was a stolen joke. I would not be on this side of the dirt if I ever said that to my wife. I may end up dead if I ever thought it!
My husband calls me a caustic bitch all the time, usually just after I call him an asshole. Then we make out. ;D
Post by: jb1842 on January 13, 2023, 12:14:41 PM
My husband calls me a caustic bitch all the time, usually just after I call him an asshole. Then we make out. ;D
This was one of my wife's christmas presents.
Post by: Rush on January 13, 2023, 12:20:25 PM
This was one of my wife's christmas presents.
Love it!
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on January 13, 2023, 04:56:52 PM
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Biden?”
Post by: Little Joe on January 14, 2023, 04:36:14 AM
As a Georgia Tech grad, the version I heard ended with
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Biden?”
"How 'bout them Dawgs?" (For you non college-football fans, that refers to University of Georgia Bulldogs).
But your ending is better.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 14, 2023, 06:52:12 AM
As a Georgia Tech grad, the version I heard ended withOf course you meant to say the repeat national champion dawgs ;D
"How 'bout them Dawgs?" (For you non college-football fans, that refers to University of Georgia Bulldogs).
But your ending is better.
Post by: Little Joe on January 14, 2023, 07:53:12 AM
Of course you meant to say the repeat national champion dawgs ;DYeah. I left out the part about the ignorant, genetically freaky and bought and paid for national champs.
But I will give credit where credit is due. They play great football and they won that last game in overwhelming and convincing style.
Meanwhile, my poor Yellow Jackets continue to disappoint.
Sports is like politics and Georgia/Georgia Tech reminds me of Democrats/Republicans.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 23, 2023, 10:35:41 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 23, 2023, 02:50:06 PM
Post by: Rush on January 23, 2023, 08:21:59 PM
stolen from POA before some snowflake complains...
Actually I think the actor that played that kid ended up a Walmart greater.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on January 24, 2023, 07:10:36 AM
Actually I think the actor that played that kid ended up a Walmart greater.
then he is providing more value to the country than the clown currently occupying the whitehouse
(yes, I know, a very low bar...)
Post by: Lucifer on January 26, 2023, 06:47:51 PM
Post by: Rush on January 27, 2023, 05:29:49 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 27, 2023, 05:47:04 AM
Post by: texasag93 on January 30, 2023, 01:06:11 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 01, 2023, 04:59:01 PM
Post by: texasag93 on February 02, 2023, 10:14:00 AM
(http://)
I don't get the joke.....
Post by: Rush on February 02, 2023, 11:24:50 AM
I don't get the joke.....
It is EXACTLY like something my husband would say.
Post by: Username on February 02, 2023, 12:23:30 PM
It is EXACTLY like something my husband would say.So there I am sitting next to my wife... she's down with the flu. Fever, head about to explode in a shower of snot, pain in every joint so she can't even reach for the chicken soup, trying to be comfortable under a pile of blankets. I ask her, what are you making me for dinner? I'm REALLY glad she knows me very well.
Post by: Rush on February 03, 2023, 02:03:20 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 04, 2023, 09:37:35 AM
2. When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
3. It's weird being the same age as old people.
4. Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
5. If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
6. Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"
7. Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
8. If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
9. We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.
10. You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night.
11. Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
12. After watching how some people wear their masks I understand why contraception fails.
13. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
14. For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.
15. I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside.
16. Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.
17. Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly... next week... Turn Signals!
Post by: Lucifer on February 04, 2023, 10:06:16 AM
An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. You’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do."
"Dolphins", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp".
"I’ll be there in 10 minutes, says the voice calmly on the other end".
Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.
When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says: “For the LAST TIME dad... I train SEALS... NAVY SEALS... NOT dolphins”
Post by: Lucifer on February 05, 2023, 02:35:43 PM
Is “motherfucker” one word, or two?
Thanks.
Post by: texasag93 on February 05, 2023, 09:50:33 PM
I’m writing out valentine cards…….
Is “motherfucker” one word, or two?
Thanks.
I am interested in learning that myself.....
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2023, 02:26:10 AM
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2023, 04:07:13 AM
I am interested in learning that myself.....
Yes. Inquiring minds want know.
A co-worker reminded me a week or so ago I actually have to come up with something for Valentines day this year. I responded that Valentines Day was invented by Women to point out how much of a FAILURE Men are. This is nerve wracking.
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2023, 06:48:35 AM
Yes. Inquiring minds want know.
A co-worker reminded me a week or so ago I actually have to come up with something for Valentines day this year. I responded that Valentines Day was invented by Women to point out how much of a FAILURE Men are. This is nerve wracking.
If you feel like spending money:
https://www.vosgeschocolate.com/
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2023, 07:09:30 AM
If you feel like spending money:
https://www.vosgeschocolate.com/
Thanks Rush. They're unique so that's good.
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2023, 02:35:04 PM
Thanks Rush. They're unique so that's good.
They are unique and very delicious but extremely expensive on a per gram basis. You’re paying for outstanding packaging too. It’s a once in a great while treat for us. Usually we get John Kelly chocolate. Also excellent and not so hoidy toidy so much more value for your money.
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2023, 05:55:19 PM
They are unique and very delicious but extremely expensive on a per gram basis. You’re paying for outstanding packaging too. It’s a once in a great while treat for us. Usually we get John Kelly chocolate. Also excellent and not so hoidy toidy so much more value for your money.
Yeah, I'm thinking that and a candlelight dinner at my place or something like that. Oh vey. This is hard. ;D
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 06, 2023, 06:43:45 PM
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2023, 07:16:37 PM
Yeah, I'm thinking that and a candlelight dinner at my place or something like that. Oh vey. This is hard. ;D
You’re not gonna do what I think you might be getting ready to do, are you?
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2023, 07:18:20 PM
You’re not gonna do what I think you might be getting ready to do, are you?
No. God forbid!!!
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2023, 07:19:15 PM
<must resist>
Hard work. You guys!!! ;D
Post by: Little Joe on February 06, 2023, 08:05:47 PM
Hard work. You guys!!! ;DAnd here I was starting to admire you, that at your age you could still get . . .
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 06, 2023, 10:31:19 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 07, 2023, 08:29:20 AM
No. God forbid!!!
(http://)
Post by: nddons on February 07, 2023, 09:34:45 AM
This would be my daughter.
Post by: Bamaflyer on February 08, 2023, 04:28:09 PM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=l6PYi0hU7Ng
Post by: Lucifer on February 08, 2023, 05:21:48 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 08, 2023, 05:22:42 PM
Post by: Number7 on February 08, 2023, 06:22:21 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=3223;image)
Yep!
Post by: Anthony on February 09, 2023, 03:25:44 AM
(http://)
BTDT. :( (Depp pic)
LOL guys. What I meant was it's been a long time since I had to consider another person's needs, wants, desires as I've enjoyed being selfish, and self centered for so long. I could never get married again and I don't even think I could live with a woman again.
Post by: bflynn on February 09, 2023, 09:00:13 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 09, 2023, 03:51:35 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 12, 2023, 11:02:42 AM
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
Post by: bflynn on February 14, 2023, 11:30:59 AM
Post by: Old Crow on February 14, 2023, 07:08:25 PM
He consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Macy's ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
Macy's had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Andrea got the panties.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
__________________________________________________
Dear Andrea,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the longer ones with, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked great in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Chris.
P.S. My mom tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Post by: Username on February 17, 2023, 07:18:58 AM
Post by: texasag93 on February 17, 2023, 09:55:06 AM
Not really a joke...
It also has to be a plane that does not eat up the $4MM in upkeep.
So a PA28-140 or a C152.
Post by: Rush on February 18, 2023, 12:43:38 PM
Post by: Lucifer on February 20, 2023, 07:22:39 AM
Post by: texasag93 on February 20, 2023, 04:36:00 PM
Post by: Rush on February 20, 2023, 05:36:03 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2023/02/full-42020-381700-cfa8ab44_3cd4_46ef_8f13_332e79a5d9c4.jpeg)
Love it. I’m an engineer, my husband’s an engineer, and both our daughters married engineers. I’m forwarding this to all of them.
And no, I do not particularly like hugs.
Post by: Anthony on February 20, 2023, 07:05:59 PM
Love it. I’m an engineer, my husband’s an engineer, and both our daughters married engineers. I’m forwarding this to all of them.
And no, I do not particularly like hugs.
It depends on who it's from.
Post by: texasag93 on February 21, 2023, 12:34:04 PM
Love it. I’m an engineer, my husband’s an engineer, and both our daughters married engineers. I’m forwarding this to all of them.
And no, I do not particularly like hugs.
My son starts Texas A&M in August. He was accepted to the engineering department. He is thinking Aerospace Engineering. He is a pilot and working on his instrument rating at 17.
He hates being hugged. I hug him at times just to make him uncomfortable. ;D
Post by: jb1842 on February 21, 2023, 01:09:18 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on February 21, 2023, 01:34:35 PM
Christ, my 5 year old is destined to be an engineer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myF6Nlz0EBo
Post by: jb1842 on February 21, 2023, 02:02:14 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myF6Nlz0EBo
Nice. He's smart, but not doing things like that. But I did get him a kids experiment set and he loves doing the experiments out of that and we have built a few simple model planes already. Use his brains instead of his body like I did. Won't be broken in his 40s.
Post by: Rush on February 21, 2023, 02:06:44 PM
Christ, my 5 year old is destined to be an engineer.
Our grandson also. When he was about 4 we gave him a jack in the box and showed him how to turn the crank to make it pop up. He ignored that and began to fiddle with the latch to figure out how to open it immediately without bothering with the crank.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on February 21, 2023, 03:17:34 PM
Post by: Rush on February 21, 2023, 03:44:35 PM
My husband’s Mom says when he was a kid it was common to come across him surrounded by parts of things he’d taken apart. She said he usually got the stuff reassembled.
That was my husband. I didn’t take things apart as a kid but I was intensely interested in science and space travel. In retrospect I would have made a better astrophysicist but I did okay as an engineer.
Post by: Username on March 02, 2023, 07:50:22 AM
This flight took almost 3 hours longer than it should have to arrive at its destination.
It had trouble flying straight.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on March 02, 2023, 07:53:24 AM
or "couldn't fly straight"
definitely wouldn't want them to do any carpentry
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2023, 07:53:39 AM
Regarding the all-LGPTQ United plane...
This flight took almost 3 hours longer than it should have to arrive at its destination.
It had trouble flying straight.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Post by: texasag93 on March 02, 2023, 11:11:10 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on March 02, 2023, 03:42:31 PM
Regarding the all-LGPTQ United plane...
This flight took almost 3 hours longer than it should have to arrive at its destination.
It had trouble flying straight.
Airline I flew at did this with 4 black females, Capt and FO, and both flight attendants. Advertised it as a coincidence that they ended up scheduled to fly together. It wasn’t. Just for the company to say it was the first all black female crew.
Post by: Little Joe on March 02, 2023, 04:33:17 PM
Airline I flew at did this with 4 black females, Capt and FO, and both flight attendants. Advertised it as a coincidence that they ended up scheduled to fly together. It wasn’t. Just for the company to say it was the first all black female crew.Is that supposed to be an honor, or evidence of segregation? Isn't (wasn't) segregation a bad thing? I think it still is unless you are black and you choose not to allow whites, then it is ok.
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2023, 07:02:03 PM
Is that supposed to be an honor, or evidence of segregation? Isn't (wasn't) segregation a bad thing? I think it still is unless you are black and you choose not to allow whites, then it is ok.
Post by: Anthony on March 03, 2023, 05:45:27 AM
Airline I flew at did this with 4 black females, Capt and FO, and both flight attendants. Advertised it as a coincidence that they ended up scheduled to fly together. It wasn’t. Just for the company to say it was the first all black female crew.
I am really tired of the constant barage of Black, Female, LGBTQxyz FIRSTS constantly being promoted by Media, Corporations, Education, and Government. Stop!!! Enough already. Oh, and they can all go Fuck themselves. Assholes.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on March 03, 2023, 06:15:30 AM
Post by: Mr Pou on March 03, 2023, 08:49:30 AM
The Funds run by Progressives, like Black Rock, appear to buy up large amounts of shares in these companies and then pressure them into being woke.
WEF has a big hand in this as well.
Post by: Rush on March 03, 2023, 11:02:14 AM
Post by: Anthony on March 03, 2023, 11:16:37 AM
.
What tribe is he from?
Post by: Rush on March 03, 2023, 12:49:29 PM
What tribe is he from?
I think they mean from India.
Post by: texasag93 on March 03, 2023, 02:09:20 PM
I am part of the 3rd group.
Post by: Username on March 04, 2023, 08:12:46 AM
Post by: Anthony on March 04, 2023, 08:25:13 AM
I think they mean from India.
I know. Just my stupid sense of humor. ;D ::)
Post by: Rush on March 04, 2023, 09:00:54 AM
I know. Just my stupid sense of humor. ;D ::)
I know you know. I was just bored and wanted to push your buttons. ;D
Post by: Lucifer on March 04, 2023, 09:02:35 AM
I know you know. I was just bored and wanted to push your buttons. ;D
Trying to push me out of my role? :D
Post by: Rush on March 04, 2023, 09:22:17 AM
Trying to push me out of my role? :D
Oh no, you’re better at it than I am. ;D
Post by: PeterNSteinmetz on March 06, 2023, 09:02:00 PM
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning
into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times,
and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
Post by: Little Joe on March 07, 2023, 04:05:26 AM
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!That's exactly the way the liberal media around here treats DeSantis!
Post by: nddons on March 08, 2023, 05:08:38 PM
Panic Erupts On Delta Flight As Captain Of Female Crew Announces That 'Everything's Fine'
U.S.
·
Mar 5, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
Article Image
U.S. — A scene of desperation and panic unfolded on a Delta Airlines flight after the captain of the all-female flight crew announced over the intercom that everything was fine.
"Sure, just go on doing whatever you want back there. It's fine," said Captain Savannah Ross with a sigh. "Why wouldn't it be fine?"
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0Dxv4DXhWv19jqfiYdCc236GcVtnXNknPgWkucAgL2HiJWqg28DBhuY6WYMikQ4Enl&id=1355517365&mibextid=ncKXMA
Post by: Bamaflyer on March 08, 2023, 06:37:55 PM
LIFE
·
Mar 8, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
https://babylonbee.com/news/i-would-never-trust-a-female-pilot-says-man-who-doesnt-know-how-to-change-the-wiper-blades-on-his-car
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on March 20, 2023, 10:28:09 AM
Post by: Anthony on March 20, 2023, 10:33:01 AM
for Anthony (although I figure you've seen it...)
Lol. Yeah, TRUTH and it can happen in a moment's notice!
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 27, 2023, 07:30:16 AM
(http://)
Post by: Rush on March 27, 2023, 09:51:41 AM
Probably not really a joke, but hey ;D
(http://)
Well it made me laugh.
Post by: Old Crow on March 28, 2023, 09:48:16 AM
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.
"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it.
Let me know how it goes," he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"
"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there right on top of the table.
Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"
"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
Post by: texasag93 on March 28, 2023, 03:59:51 PM
Post by: Rush on March 28, 2023, 04:18:18 PM
I just stole that!
Me too.
Post by: Rush on March 31, 2023, 06:40:53 AM
Post by: Old Crow on April 01, 2023, 09:16:17 AM
April Fools’ Day on April 1st has long been a day when practical jokes and tricks are played on the unaware. It’s a time when children convince their parents they’ve broken a bone. Parents get in on the planning, too. Classic April Fools’ jokes include caramel covered onions or fake doggy doo-doo in inconvenient places. Businesses launch impractical or unbelievable products for the fun of the day and newspapers print incredible headlines catching readers off guard.
#AprilFoolsDay
Of course, the trick to a good April Fools’ prank is planning. And you also need to be the first to pull it off. There’s no point in pursuing your prank if someone else beats you to it. Once the foolery has been triggered, everyone else will be on high alert and the element of surprise will be lost.
Some practical jokers go to great lengths to pull off their ruse. The more people involved the greater the risk of being discovered before the great plan can be deployed.
HOW TO OBSERVE APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
Prepare your best pranks and practical jokes.
Share stories of your greatest April Fools’ jokes.
Be safe playing your pranks and be sure to have a good laugh. It’s all in fun.
Share your experiences being fooled and laugh while you reminisce.
Use #AprilFoolsDay to post on social media.
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY HISTORY
We would be fools to think we knew precisely when April Fools’ Day was originally celebrated. However, April Fools Day shares similarities with other days full of fools, tricks, and merry-making.
Some believe the day is celebrated in honor of the trickery Mother Nature plays on us this time of year with her unpredictable weather. Another possible connection is the Indian tradition of Holi. The day is celebrated on March 31st and practices the same foolery as April Fools’ Day. So does the Roman festival of Hilaria which was celebrated on March 25th.
The earliest known reference to April Fools’ Day is in Chaucer’s 1392 Nun’s Priest’s Tale. Even so, the reference is so vague, and possibly not even occurring on the first of April, leaving doubt as to whether it is the first reference.
Other scholars point to the reformation of the calendar by Pope Gregory and the Gregorian calendar we used today in the 1500s in France. The new year would take place in April, not January as it does now. The theory is that those who continued to celebrate the new year on April 1st were called Poisson d’Avril (April fish) and pranks would be played on them.
In 1582, France accepted the Gregorian calendar, but reforms had already been taking place.
In Britain in 1776, there is a clear and reliable reference to April foolishness in an article in Gentlemans Magazine. Reference to a custom in the kingdom of making fools of people on the first day of April. It addresses the day being the culmination of an eight-day feast and the beginning of a new year.
Noted Foolery
Newspapers, television, radio, and social media have had their fun on April Fools’ Day. Check out all this April 1 foolishness:
Times of London reported in 1992 that Belgium was negotiating to join Holland.
The Evening Star of Islington advertised in 1864 a display of donkeys at the Agricultural Hall the next day. Those who arrived early soon realized who the donkeys on display really were.
In 1950, The Progress in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, published a picture of a UFO flying over the town. Claiming to have “scooped” larger publications of the first-ever published picture of a real flying saucer.
In 2008, the BBC presented a documentary on flying penguins.
April Fool’s FAQ
Q. Is April Fool’s Day always on April 1st?
A. Yes. If your friends, coworkers and the news seems especially goofy on April 1st, this is why.
Q. Can anyone participate in April Fool’s Day?
A. Yes. Silliness and practical joking are for everyone. It’s important not to pull a prank that might be dangerous. Some fun and harmless ways to celebrate include:
Slipping a rubber snake, worm, mouse, or other creature into food.
Leaving a fake mess for someone to find like plastic puppy droppings or spilled milk.
Switch the labels on a few cans of vegetables.
Pour gravy over ice cream. Add sprinkles for an authentic look.
Stick a sign on your friend’s back that says, “Wish me a happy birthday!”
Call the local radio station and wish your little sister “Happy 50th Birthday” ten years early.
Post on social media that you’re moving to a foreign country.
Post by: Rush on April 01, 2023, 06:18:30 PM
Post by: texasag93 on April 06, 2023, 05:03:12 PM
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'oh bloody damn!' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.'Bi' Jesus… I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No bloody way....'He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'damn it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ? 'Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?''
Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
Post by: nddons on April 06, 2023, 05:39:07 PM
Post by: Rush on April 06, 2023, 06:24:22 PM
https://youtube.com/shorts/L9WvKmvOI5A?feature=share
Supposedly the entire marketing department has been fired. Don’t know if it’s true.
https://patriotpartypress.com/true-anheuser-busch-fired-its-entire-marketing-department-over-biggest-mistake-in-budweiser-history/
No, it’s not true:
https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-ap-check-656908474339
Post by: Rush on April 08, 2023, 04:43:10 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on April 08, 2023, 05:12:20 PM
Supposedly the entire marketing department has been fired. Don’t know if it’s true.
https://patriotpartypress.com/true-anheuser-busch-fired-its-entire-marketing-department-over-biggest-mistake-in-budweiser-history/
No, it’s not true:
https://apnews.com/article/fact-checking-ap-check-656908474339
of course it wasn't true. Corporate pukes, no matter hoe "redneck:, would never ever admit mistakes.
Post by: texasag93 on April 08, 2023, 09:02:05 PM
https://southwoke.com/
Southwoke Hires Fabulous Sam Brinton as Our New Baggage Czar
:-*
Post by: Little Joe on April 09, 2023, 07:48:28 AM
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anyone to know he has been fucking chickens.
Post by: Old Crow on April 13, 2023, 03:48:27 AM
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Post by: Old Crow on April 16, 2023, 08:12:23 AM
He says yes ma’am but it’s my daddy’s fault for sleeping naked.
The teacher says , how your daddy sleeps has no bearing on you being late to school.
The teacher asks how so?
Bobby says we’ll you see, we’ve had trouble with a fox 🦊 n the hen house lately.
Last night daddy heard a commotion in the hen house. He grabbed his double barrel shotgun and ran out the door.
When he got to the hen house he got on his hands and knees and poked that shotgun through the door and waited.
About that time our old coon hound Blue came up behind my daddy and touched his cold nose to his ass and we spent the next 5 hours plucking chickens.
Post by: nddons on April 19, 2023, 05:20:07 AM
"We've definitely learned our lesson!" said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth in a statement released along with the new ad. "We heard the public outcry and we've obviously seen the impact of our mistake on our bottom line and our stock price. That's why we've created this new ad returning to our strong, patriotic roots. Who isn't inspired by a drag queen waving the good ol' red, white, and blue?"
The beverage giant's marketing department was sent back to the drawing board to perform damage control on the Mulvaney situation, settling on an emotionally stirring commercial depicting a flamboyantly dressed, flag-waving drag queen riding a star-spangled chariot pulled by the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales. "This really captures what we envision as today's America," said marketing team member Greg Burke. "Unabashed patriotism and fabulous trans imagery combined into one ad! There's no way anyone will be offended by this one!"
Executives expressed confidence that this new commercial will reverse all the damage caused by the Mulvaney gaffe since blue-collar consumers in middle America all still love grown men dressed as women.
https://babylonbee.com/news/bud-light-smooths-things-over-with-new-ad-featuring-drag-queens-waving-american-flags?fbclid=IwAR2L_uXQzn6OgPJblRTfLNByOLpl2sppzU_8QdELuJxIXTtostgIOCb_nio&mibextid=Zxz2cZ
Post by: Lucifer on April 21, 2023, 10:43:58 AM
Post by: bflynn on April 21, 2023, 12:03:06 PM
Original on twitter:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1645441748393684995
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on April 21, 2023, 02:29:24 PM
The Bee strikes again. Yesterday, legacy blue check marks were removed from non-paying verified account.
Original on twitter:
https://twitter.com/i/status/1645441748393684995
Hahahahahaha!!! That is awesome!!!!!!
Post by: bflynn on April 21, 2023, 06:41:13 PM
Hahahahahaha!!! That is awesome!!!!!!
Could easily be one of their best videos ever.
Post by: Rush on April 22, 2023, 03:19:35 AM
Post by: Old Crow on April 22, 2023, 11:24:16 AM
Did it get removed from YouTube?Just checked at 1423 EDT and it was still there.
Post by: Bamaflyer on April 22, 2023, 02:06:09 PM
Most excellent! 🤣
Post by: Rush on April 22, 2023, 02:41:34 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 23, 2023, 07:29:24 AM
Post by: Anthony on April 23, 2023, 02:22:25 PM
Post by: Lucifer on April 27, 2023, 04:48:51 PM
Post by: Rush on May 05, 2023, 05:42:01 AM
Post by: Little Joe on May 05, 2023, 11:08:25 AM
Post by: nddons on May 06, 2023, 11:25:45 AM
Another hockey stick graphI’m stealing that.
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 06, 2023, 03:59:59 PM
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 06, 2023, 04:02:10 PM
"In Living Color" was great. No PC bullshit and they made fun of Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Gays, etc.
What about Archie Bunker? Blazing Saddles? No way woke Hollyweird would make those.
Post by: nddons on May 06, 2023, 04:39:22 PM
What about Archie Bunker? Blazing Saddles? No way woke Hollyweird would make those.Yet we can see documentaries of trans kids and their moms getting upset that the kid isn’t using their vagina spreaders.
We are so fucked up as a society.
Post by: Anthony on May 07, 2023, 02:42:35 AM
Yet we can see documentaries of trans kids and their moms getting upset that the kid isn’t using their vagina spreaders.
We are so fucked up as a society.
Parents that encourage this shit need to be FLOGGED.
Post by: Little Joe on May 07, 2023, 03:21:14 AM
Yet we can see documentaries of trans kids and their moms getting upset that the kid isn’t using their vagina spreaders.Vagina Spreader? It only took me 70 years to hear about that. :(
We are so fucked up as a society.
Post by: Rush on May 07, 2023, 04:00:28 AM
Vagina Spreader? It only took me 70 years to hear about that. :(
It’s a “dilator”. Basically a dildo. They have to regularly insert it into the “neo-vagina” or it will close up because it’s not a real vagina designed by God (nature) to stay patent, but a creation out of non-vaginal tissue which the body knows isn’t supposed to be there and is trying to heal shut.
These people are insane to do this to themselves. Apparently a large proportion of them lose the ability to have an orgasm at all. And to add insult to injury almost no straight male will want them. Their dating pool is limited to other trans and if they are attracted to males that means female to male trans with phalloplasty (a “penis” constructed out of arm or thigh muscle which has no erectile ability except via an artificial mechanism).
Even given all of that, some true trans still want the surgery and are satisfied with the result but it is unconscionable to do this to kids or even young adults in my opinion. They simply aren’t mature enough to understand the long term consequences and I’ll bet anything they aren’t told the real facts. If you imagine you are going to be a “straight woman” with a wide open dating pool of “cis” men, you are deluding yourself. These trans “women” may never get to experience sex with an actual XY male with a naturally functional penis.
If normal sex from the female perspective is your goal, better to keep it in fantasy land. But if you hate your “package” so much that you want it gone and you fully understand the consequences, go for it, but I’d wait til you’re in your thirties to be sure. And in that case you might be better off with the type surgery that just creates the external female appearance but doesn’t try to make a “vagina”.
Whoops… this is the joke thread. Sorry. Carry on.
Post by: Bamaflyer on May 07, 2023, 02:31:01 PM
Post by: Old Crow on May 07, 2023, 06:13:28 PM
Post by: texasag93 on May 11, 2023, 02:19:52 PM
Post by: texasag93 on May 12, 2023, 08:37:06 AM
Post by: Anthony on May 12, 2023, 10:06:24 AM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2023/05/full-40213-389252-romance.jpg)
You know I'm going to have to use that now.
Post by: Rush on May 12, 2023, 11:10:51 AM
Post by: Lucifer on May 12, 2023, 01:13:26 PM
Post by: Rush on May 12, 2023, 04:38:57 PM
That was hilarious.
Post by: Rush on May 12, 2023, 05:50:07 PM
Post by: Rush on May 14, 2023, 06:51:44 AM
Post by: texasag93 on May 14, 2023, 06:59:32 AM
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.“
Post by: Lucifer on May 18, 2023, 10:00:21 AM
Post by: Rush on May 18, 2023, 01:17:37 PM
That’s a good one.
Post by: texasag93 on May 20, 2023, 10:09:32 AM
Post by: Little Joe on May 20, 2023, 10:45:59 AM
Post by: Little Joe on May 20, 2023, 10:49:54 AM
The husband does’t know why he would need to see the doctor, but takes a seat in the waiting room. After a few minutes, a nurse comes over to the husband and says that the doctor really needs to talk with him but is with a patient but should be available soon.
Now the husband begins to worry. After a few more minutes, the doctor approaches him and asks him to step into his office so they can have some privacy. Now the husband really starts to worry.
When they get into the office, the husband asks if there is a problem with his wife’s lab work. The doctor says “Mr. Smith, I’m really sorry but last week when your wife came in to have her blood drawn there was another Ms. Smith who also was having her blood drawn and somehow the samples got mixed up. I’m unable to tell you what her results are.” The husband says “Well why don’t we just run the test again?” The doctor says that the tests is quite expensive and their health insurance won’t pay for a second test.
Perplexed, the husband then asks, “Can you at least tell me the result of both tests?” The doctor thinks for a moment and then says “I suppose so. One Ms. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Ms. Smith tested positive for HIV.”
“My God!” says the husband. “What should I do, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “Well, if it was my wife, I would drop her off downtown to go shopping. If she came home, I wouldn’t have sex with her.”
Post by: Rush on May 21, 2023, 10:16:44 AM
Post by: Little Joe on May 21, 2023, 12:47:12 PM
They were childhood sweethearts first, and had now actually been married now for more than 60 years.
They had hardly known a life without the other in it.
Over all the years that they had been together, the elderly couple shared everything, keeping no secrets from each other…
Except for one thing…
The little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had made her husband promise never to open it until the day she fell deathly ill.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box - keeping his promise.
One day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
Despite being devastated by the news, the couple needed to settle important matters before they ran out of time, and the woman decided she would finally tell her husband what the contents of the shoebox was.
The elderly man then took it out from her closet and brought it to her wife’s bedside.
Upon opening, the man was shocked to find two crocheted dolls, and piles & piles of money that had to be $250,000..!!
The wife then explained about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.”
“She said that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The old man looked at the box again.
The old man was so touched he had to hold himself back from crying, as there were only two dolls in the shoebox.
Presumably, his wife had only been mad at him twice over the span of almost 70 years in their married life.
He scooped his wife up out of happiness, and gave her a kiss. After a moment, he looked lovingly into her eyes and asked:
"Honey," he said "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said.
"𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐬.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on May 21, 2023, 06:46:16 PM
Post by: Mase on May 22, 2023, 09:51:23 PM
Post by: texasag93 on May 23, 2023, 06:16:15 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=3426;image)
'RRRRRRRRRRRRUFFFFFFFFFF!'
*clears throat*
'Roger!'
Post by: Rush on May 26, 2023, 01:13:18 PM
Post by: texasag93 on May 28, 2023, 06:33:27 AM
Post by: Rush on June 01, 2023, 06:18:05 AM
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
Post by: Rush on June 02, 2023, 07:50:54 AM
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a - raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I fly model airplanes on Fridays."
Post by: Little Joe on June 05, 2023, 04:51:02 AM
Post by: texasag93 on June 05, 2023, 03:24:31 PM
Post by: Anthony on June 05, 2023, 03:26:40 PM
Post by: Old Crow on June 09, 2023, 03:32:41 PM
Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been the worst ever. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years. Although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl, I hope that’s not a problem.
Post by: texasag93 on June 11, 2023, 05:15:53 AM
Post by: Little Joe on June 14, 2023, 03:24:02 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on June 14, 2023, 08:07:44 PM
https://twitter.com/DineshDSouza/status/1669069965264052225
Post by: nddons on June 15, 2023, 10:40:07 AM
Post by: Rush on June 16, 2023, 04:49:23 AM
Post by: Little Joe on June 18, 2023, 02:57:42 PM
Boobs are important too.
Post by: Rush on June 18, 2023, 04:38:24 PM
Sort of true.
Boobs are important too.
I had a "discussion" with one of my gf's female friends who maintained it's the same when a male transitions to female and dates a males as when a real woman dates a male. I told her the vast majority of men would NOT date a Trans female. I said it was a huge deal breaker for me. She couldn't understand why. WTF!
Wow. No it is not at all the same. Not at all. This has been confirmed by people in the trans community, not the crazies, but the realists. Other than the odd allegedly straight man who is into “shemales” as a kink, trans women can write off straight men. Their pool is other trans, period.
Post by: Anthony on June 18, 2023, 04:55:14 PM
Wow. No it is not at all the same. Not at all. This has been confirmed by people in the trans community, not the crazies, but the realists. Other than the odd allegedly straight man who is into “shemales” as a kink, trans women can write off straight men. Their pool is other trans, period.
I had a "discussion" with one of my gf's female friends who maintained that it was OK for a Trans male to female have a relationship with a biological, hetero male. I told her, no, that's a huge deal breaker for me and the vast majority of hetero males. She couldn't understand why. Hello! It's a dude with a fake vagina!!! WTF? Indoctrination.
Post by: Little Joe on June 18, 2023, 04:59:12 PM
Sort of true.I have no idea how that paragraph about "a discussion with one of my gf's female friends" got into my post. I assume that was an Anthony post, but it wasn't in my post. Weird.
Boobs are important too.
I had a "discussion" with one of my gf's female friends who maintained it's the same when a male transitions to female and dates a males as when a real woman dates a male. I told her the vast majority of men would NOT date a Trans female. I said it was a huge deal breaker for me. She couldn't understand why. WTF!
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 18, 2023, 05:10:15 PM
I have no idea how that paragraph about "a discussion with one of my gf's female friends" got into my post. I assume that was an Anthony post, but it wasn't in my post. Weird.
sometimes the mods, who have superpowers, inadvertently edit the wrong post...
" « Last Edit: Today at 05:15:00 PM by Anthony » "
Post by: Anthony on June 18, 2023, 05:28:41 PM
I have no idea how that paragraph about "a discussion with one of my gf's female friends" got into my post. I assume that was an Anthony post, but it wasn't in my post. Weird.
I fucked up and hit the wrong tab and thought I deleted it. All my fault. I was trying to quote you Joe. Lol.
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 18, 2023, 07:15:19 PM
I fucked up and hit the wrong tab and thought I deleted it. All my fault. I was trying to quote you Joe. Lol.
The paragraph got trans-posed.
Post by: nddons on June 18, 2023, 07:26:00 PM
I have no idea how that paragraph about "a discussion with one of my gf's female friends" got into my post. I assume that was an Anthony post, but it wasn't in my post. Weird.I was going to ask what your wife thought of your gf. Lol
Post by: Rush on June 19, 2023, 02:56:52 AM
I was going to ask what your wife thought of your gf. Lol
That whole thing just flew over my head.
Post by: Rush on June 19, 2023, 02:59:18 AM
I had a "discussion" with one of my gf's female friends who maintained that it was OK for a Trans male to female have a relationship with a biological, hetero male. I told her, no, that's a huge deal breaker for me and the vast majority of hetero males. She couldn't understand why. Hello! It's a dude with a fake vagina!!! WTF? Indoctrination.
You’re responding to my post with the same post that was in the post to which I was responding… it’s a time warp!
Post by: Rush on June 19, 2023, 03:34:06 AM
But more than that, the lack of a Y chromosome is so obvious. No matter how much testosterone you shoot into yourself, you’re not going to have the same frame as a male, the same height, muscle mass, facial structure. You can masculinize yourself as much as you want but you’ll still come across to me as a female tomboy or lesbian even if you have a surgically fabricated “neo-penis”. I’d rather date an honest lesbian with an intact original vagina.
But nevermind genitals. A man with his dick blown off in war is still a man. He’s got the Y and that’s what matters, that’s what makes him male.
Edit: Yikes! This is the joke thread. Sorry, I’m out.
Post by: Little Joe on June 19, 2023, 05:32:52 AM
So? This is PS. Ain't nobody moderating or telling us what to post where?
Edit: Yikes! This is the joke thread. Sorry, I’m out.
(Well, that does happen occasionally, but it shouldn't).
Post by: nddons on June 19, 2023, 06:12:27 PM
Post by: Lucifer on June 20, 2023, 06:33:28 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 20, 2023, 07:39:36 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 20, 2023, 02:25:07 PM
Post by: texasag93 on June 20, 2023, 03:56:09 PM
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m not on drugs!?”
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
Post by: Old Crow on June 20, 2023, 03:59:47 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on June 20, 2023, 06:07:15 PM
Post by: Mase on June 20, 2023, 10:15:40 PM
Post by: Rush on June 23, 2023, 04:51:01 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on June 23, 2023, 06:26:57 AM
The next day the father hears a commotion and finds the kid fucking his grandmother. "WTF?" exclaims the father, half-crazy with rage.
"Not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?" says the kid.
Post by: Old Crow on June 25, 2023, 05:26:40 AM
Post by: Lucifer on June 25, 2023, 06:35:34 AM
At the funeral director, he tells the couple “You have two options, the first is we prepare your dear mother and have her shipped back to the US for burial. The cost is $10,000. “
“Your second option is we can prepare and bury her here, and that would cost $200”
The husband speaks up and says “ We’ll have her shipped back to the US”
The funeral director then tells the husband , “but Sir, you could have her buried here in the most beautiful and holy places on earth for far less”.
The husband thinks, then says “ A couple of thousand years ago, your people buried a man here, and three days later he arose from the dead”……………” There’s no way I can take that chance.”
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on June 25, 2023, 02:12:21 PM
Bake our cakes.
Use our pronouns.
https://twitter.com/libsoftiktok/status/1673059174211633152
Post by: Bamaflyer on June 25, 2023, 03:28:00 PM
Just let us marry.
Bake our cakes.
Use our pronouns.
https://twitter.com/libsoftiktok/status/1673059174211633152
Disgusting
Post by: Anthony on June 25, 2023, 04:32:12 PM
Disgusting
X eleventy billion. They should be strung up with pride colored roap, by their balls. Disgusting how they want to practice grooming, Pedophilia and child abuse.
Post by: Little Joe on June 25, 2023, 04:34:17 PM
Just let us marry.Go ahead. I don't give a shit. Just don't demand that I cheer for you.
Quote
Bake our cakes.Fuck you.
Quote
Use our pronouns.I'll use whatever pronoun I want. Is "fuck you" a pronoun?
I'll respect you as much as you respect me. But remember, I am an old white guy. Where's my month?
Post by: Lucifer on June 25, 2023, 04:34:27 PM
Her - Why are you double-bagging all of your groceries?
Me - Excuse me?
Her - You are wasting our bags?
Me - If you don't like the way I'm bagging the groceries, feel free to come on over here and bag them yourself.
Her - That's not my job!
Me - Okay, then I will bag my groceries how I please if that's alright with you
Her - Why are you using two bags?
Me - Because the bags are weak, and I don't want the handles to break or the bottoms to rip out.
Her - Well, that's because you are putting too much stuff in the bag. If you took half of that stuff out and put it in a different bag then you wouldn't need to double bag.
(10 seconds of me just staring at her)
Me - So you want me to split these items in half and put half of them in a different bag so that I don't have to double bag.
Her - Exactly.
Me - So I would still be using two bags to hold the same number of items.
Her - No, because you wouldn't be double-bagging.
(Me pressing two fingers to my left eye in an attempt to make it stop twitching.)
Me - Okay. So here I have a jug of milk and a bottle of juice double-bagged. If I take the milk out and remove the double bagging and just put the milk in the single bag and the juice in that single bag, I'm still using two bags for these two items.
Her - No, because you are not double-bagging them so it's not the same number of bags.
(Me looking around at about 10 other customers who at this point are enjoying the show.)
Me - Is this like that Common Core math stuff I keep hearing about?
Her - Never mind. You just don't get it.
And with that she went back to her little podium so she could continue texting or playing games on her phone or whatever it was she was doing before she decided to come over and critique my bagging skills.
------------------------------------------------
My husband and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'You gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25 cents, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
----------------------------------------------------
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower'.
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
-------------------------------------------------------------
I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
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My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
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The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'She is a government employee
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When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Post by: Jim Logajan on June 25, 2023, 05:05:56 PM
(I once went to a grocery deli counter to order a quarter pound of sliced prosciutto. Girl said ok, let me see, that's 3 ounces. I said no, 4 ounces. She was certain there were 12 ounces to a pound. I said forget the order for a quarter pound, give me 4 ounces.)
Post by: Little Joe on June 25, 2023, 05:26:08 PM
The guy was flummoxed. He said is that a half pound? I said no, a half pound is .5 pounds. I want .4 pounds.
He called his manager over.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on June 25, 2023, 05:59:54 PM
Post by: Number7 on June 25, 2023, 06:06:22 PM
Post by: Little Joe on June 25, 2023, 06:25:30 PM
The worst part of all that is the demand that we respect and raise the pay of public school teachers.Good public school teachers should make more.
Most of the current public school teachers should be fired and replaced with good, higher paid teachers.
Post by: Number7 on June 25, 2023, 07:10:46 PM
Good public school teachers should make more.
Most of the current public school teachers should be fired and replaced with good, higher paid teachers.
If the reports are to be believed, public school teachers make up around 75% of antifa members.
I’m in favor of closing the state and federal dept of education and giving full control back to the local taxpayers.
Post by: texasag93 on June 25, 2023, 07:27:16 PM
A couple travels to the Holy Land with the mother in law. While on vacation, the mother in law falls ill and passes away.
At the funeral director, he tells the couple “You have two options, the first is we prepare your dear mother and have her shipped back to the US for burial. The cost is $10,000. “
“Your second option is we can prepare and bury her here, and that would cost $200”
The husband speaks up and says “ We’ll have her shipped back to the US”
The funeral director then tells the husband , “but Sir, you could have her buried here in the most beautiful and holy places on earth for far less”.
The husband thinks, then says “ A couple of thousand years ago, your people buried a man here, and three days later he arose from the dead”……………” There’s no way I can take that chance.”
I would pay more than 10K.
Post by: Little Joe on June 27, 2023, 04:15:10 AM
Post by: Little Joe on June 27, 2023, 09:35:13 AM
Post by: texasag93 on June 27, 2023, 12:29:07 PM
I wonder who they are talking about?
Since he looks at all things in his own point of view, I bet he was really disappointed when he went to England hearing they like to smoke fags and could not get smoked like he was expecting.
Post by: Little Joe on June 27, 2023, 01:49:31 PM
Post by: texasag93 on June 27, 2023, 01:53:07 PM
It is even set in a hangar!
(https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/583c906ebe659429d1106265/1591119887506-UFV5GXNKO582NNRWU3Y4/tumblr_pwicvfINBJ1ypqhmvo4_r1_500.gif?format=500w)
"Lunch!"
(https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/583c906ebe659429d1106265/1591119857413-R9CE0VMWG8S3HS1E8V1V/SatisfiedPeacefulCaracal-size_restricted.gif?format=500w)
Post by: Old Crow on June 29, 2023, 04:30:25 AM
A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax returns.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address etc.
And then asks, ”What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is taken aback and says, “That's too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that."
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. We need something more acceptable."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do, with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
The accountant said, “Brilliant!!! Poultry Farmer it is!! And agricultural income is tax free!!!
Post by: Rush on July 02, 2023, 08:28:43 AM
Internal Revenue Service
Department of the Treasury
United States Government
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: The IRS
Subject: Increased Tax Payments
Dear Taxpayer:
The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed - but only operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after January 1, 1986, your pecker will be taxed, based on its size, using the "Pecker Checker Scale" below. Determine your category and insert the additional tax under "Other Taxes", Page 2, Part Y, Line 69, of your standard Income Tax Return (Form 1040).
PECKER CHECKER SCALE
10-12 inches: LUXURY Tax $500
8-10 inches: POLE Tax $250
6-8 inches: PRIVILEGE Tax $150
4-6 inches: NUISANCE Tax $50
NOTE:
-Anything over 12 inches should be filed under "Excessive Capital Gains" and the outside of the envelop marked "ATTN: BETTY LOU".
-Anything under 4 inches is eligible for a refund
-Under this new tax, please - DO NOT FILE FOR AN EXTENSION!
Very Truly Yours,
Dunken J. Cutchapeckeroff
District Director
Internal Revenue Service
Post by: Lucifer on July 02, 2023, 08:30:50 AM
District Director
Internal Revenue Service
Department of the Treasury
United States Government
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: The IRS
Subject: Increased Tax Payments
Dear Taxpayer:
The only thing that the Internal Revenue Service has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is employed - but only operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, after January 1, 1986, your pecker will be taxed, based on its size, using the "Pecker Checker Scale" below. Determine your category and insert the additional tax under "Other Taxes", Page 2, Part Y, Line 69, of your standard Income Tax Return (Form 1040).
PECKER CHECKER SCALE
10-12 inches: LUXURY Tax $500
8-10 inches: POLE Tax $250
6-8 inches: PRIVILEGE Tax $150
4-6 inches: NUISANCE Tax $50
NOTE:
-Anything over 12 inches should be filed under "Excessive Capital Gains" and the outside of the envelop marked "ATTN: BETTY LOU".
-Anything under 4 inches is eligible for a refund
-Under this new tax, please - DO NOT FILE FOR AN EXTENSION!
Very Truly Yours,
Dunken J. Cutchapeckeroff
District Director
Internal Revenue Service
I'm getting a refund!
Post by: Rush on July 02, 2023, 08:51:39 AM
I'm getting a refund!
I guess Trump is too if what Stormy Daniels says about his "mushroom" is true.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on July 03, 2023, 06:27:20 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIJIU4SDy00
Post by: Lucifer on July 04, 2023, 06:23:02 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 04, 2023, 06:24:52 AM
Post by: texasag93 on July 06, 2023, 12:04:23 PM
Post by: Rush on July 07, 2023, 03:42:38 AM
Post by: Rush on July 07, 2023, 04:06:03 AM
Credit to a blogger named Danny Horn.
Post by: Little Joe on July 07, 2023, 08:50:53 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on July 12, 2023, 03:56:24 PM
Post by: Lucifer on July 17, 2023, 05:18:58 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 17, 2023, 05:49:06 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 17, 2023, 06:00:44 AM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on July 19, 2023, 05:32:49 PM
(http://)
Post by: Anthony on July 20, 2023, 04:01:18 AM
Post by: jb1842 on July 20, 2023, 04:48:07 AM
Hollywood has made itself irrelevant. It used to be the stuff deams were made of, like that great line in The Maltese Falcon, a real movie. Now, it's just a frigging joke.
I could be a Hollywood writer. Take an old movie, make the main character a different sex or color. Make the supporting characters all trans, gay, or from repressed background or race . Take the plot, remove all the good stuff, and put in a bunch of woke, social justice issues. Do I have the job?
Post by: Anthony on July 20, 2023, 05:52:35 AM
I could be a Hollywood writer. Take an old movie, make the main character a different sex or color. Make the supporting characters all trans, gay, or from repressed background or race . Take the plot, remove all the good stuff, and put in a bunch of woke, social justice issues. Do I have the job?
You've just summarized exactly what they're doing in a very succinct manner. You could get a job there in three of your Earth minutes.
I was watching a movie (streaming with ads) and a commercial came on with a black/white couple and their two mixed race kids. Plus their golden retriever could talk. ::)
I thought to myself, watch, the next commercial will feature Gays and that is exactly what happened. I just shook my head in disgust. If aliens landed they'd think 90% of the population is Black or LGBTQxyz+. Fucking assholes.
Post by: Number7 on July 20, 2023, 06:10:34 AM
. Fucking assholes.
That is exactly what they do.
Post by: Rush on July 20, 2023, 06:49:37 AM
You've just summarized exactly what they're doing in a very succinct manner. You could get a job there in three of your Earth minutes.
I was watching a movie (streaming with ads) and a commercial came on with a black/white couple and their two mixed race kids. Plus their golden retriever could talk. ::)
I thought to myself, watch, the next commercial will feature Gays and that is exactly what happened. I just shook my head in disgust. If aliens landed they'd think 90% of the population is Black or LGBTQxyz+. Fucking assholes.
No he couldn’t. He’s a straight white male. At least as far as I know…
Post by: Username on July 20, 2023, 07:03:32 AM
That is exactly what they do.Ew.
Post by: jb1842 on July 20, 2023, 08:02:09 AM
No he couldn’t. He’s a straight white male. At least as far as I know…
I am. And a conservative. They don't like my kind there.
Post by: Anthony on July 20, 2023, 11:30:49 AM
No he couldn’t. He’s a straight white male. At least as far as I know…
Touche!
Post by: Old Crow on July 20, 2023, 07:11:36 PM
“Mum… Mum… what’s that?
“What’s what”? asks his mum.
“That… thing hanging down on the elephant”.
“Oh, that’s his trunk.’ says Mum.
“NO” says Billy, “The OTHER end”.
“Oh… You mean his tail?”
“NOOOOO” says Billy, “Hanging down between his legs”
His mother gets all flustered and stammers “Oh… Oh… Oh it’s nothing Billy”, so Billy turns to his dad and asks the question. “Dad, what’s that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?”
His Dad looks and asks “What did your Mum say it was?”
Billy answers “Oh she said it was nothing, that’s why I’m asking you…”
His Dad looks fondly at his son and says “Yeeeeahhh… That’s the trouble with your mother son… She’s been spoilt”.
Post by: Rush on July 21, 2023, 01:21:18 PM
Post by: Bamaflyer on July 21, 2023, 04:58:36 PM
Post by: Rush on July 21, 2023, 05:10:00 PM
Nah saw it right away but of course I slobbered over the one in the ireground. 😎
I didn’t slobber over her, I just sat there staring at her like an idiot going, “What’s he talking about? She’s not wearing any sunglasses.” Sometimes I think I’ve got Asbergers.
Post by: Jim Logajan on July 21, 2023, 05:32:30 PM
Nah saw it right away but of course I slobbered over the one in the ireground. 😎
I'm afraid I didn't see it till you clued me in. The sun got in my eyes.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on July 21, 2023, 05:34:45 PM
Post by: Rush on July 22, 2023, 01:57:56 PM
Post by: Little Joe on July 23, 2023, 05:47:07 AM
(but that).
Post by: Old Crow on July 23, 2023, 07:16:08 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 24, 2023, 04:49:34 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 24, 2023, 04:51:06 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 24, 2023, 04:51:51 AM
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2023, 04:55:20 AM
Post by: Rush on July 26, 2023, 05:04:50 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/RP6pLi0.jpg)
That’s not funny. It’s an accurate portrayal of the current culture’s sick views of what women and men are respectively.
Post by: Little Joe on July 27, 2023, 06:59:00 PM
Post by: Rush on July 28, 2023, 04:53:09 AM
Post by: Rush on July 28, 2023, 05:05:36 AM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on July 28, 2023, 05:25:55 AM
.
Not really funny. More prophetic
Post by: Lucifer on July 28, 2023, 05:34:00 AM
Post by: texasag93 on July 28, 2023, 06:54:33 AM
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Post by: Jim Logajan on July 28, 2023, 07:41:04 AM
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
An uncle of mine of Polish descent would have loved that joke. He got told a lot of them on account of friendly banter at his work (he got me a summer job during college where he worked, so I saw the banter in action.) He'd change the nationality of the target to that of the person's own presumed descent and tell it to them. As a result he told me a lot of Romanian jokes.
Post by: Old Crow on July 30, 2023, 06:06:48 PM
Post by: Rush on August 11, 2023, 04:53:48 AM
Post by: Rush on August 11, 2023, 04:54:29 AM
Post by: Rush on August 11, 2023, 04:54:53 AM
Post by: Old Crow on August 12, 2023, 09:24:09 AM
Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right every single time.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
ll
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
Post by: Rush on August 13, 2023, 05:51:29 PM
Post by: Rush on August 16, 2023, 03:18:35 PM
Post by: nddons on August 17, 2023, 06:11:38 PM
Anything!https://youtu.be/uRQ12qjiDBQ
(but that).
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on August 18, 2023, 05:48:35 AM
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
A depression is when you lose your job.
A recovery is when brandon loses his job.
Post by: Lucifer on August 18, 2023, 08:24:44 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on August 18, 2023, 09:20:10 AM
https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1692189888588784068?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1692189888588784068%7Ctwgr%5E164200980360a556f4e241157c163965f7cfedda%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Frantingly.com%2F (https://twitter.com/JackPosobiec/status/1692189888588784068?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1692189888588784068%7Ctwgr%5E164200980360a556f4e241157c163965f7cfedda%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Frantingly.com%2F)Surely a parody. She's not blonde.
Post by: Rush on August 18, 2023, 11:05:11 AM
Surely a parody. She's not blonde.
If you go to her TikTok page she is definitely a MAGA conservative.
Post by: Lucifer on August 18, 2023, 04:27:25 PM
Deaths Caused By Hurricane Hilary To Be Labeled Suicides
WORLD
·
Aug 18, 2023
Quote
LOS ANGELES, CA — As Hurricane Hilary prepares to make landfall in Southern California, the World Meteorological Organization has announced that all deaths resulting from the storm will be ruled as suicides.
"We are seeing Hilary continue to weaken as it approaches the West Coast, so we have high hopes that it will not cause any, um... suicides," said meteorologist Fritz McBeely to reporters. "But we must be aware, this storm is highly unpredictable and could potentially suicide anyone foolish enough to stand in its way."
Local authorities in Los Angeles have warned their people to board up windows, stack sandbags, and refuse to testify against the hurricane in a court of law in order to avoid being suicided. "The threat is real," warned McBeely.
At publishing time, several weather sources had confirmed that they are struggling to track the storm as their weather prediction servers were mysteriously drenched in bleach and smashed with a hammer overnight.
Post by: Number7 on August 18, 2023, 07:16:59 PM
https://babylonbee.com/news/deaths-caused-by-hurricane-hilary-to-be-labeled-suicides
Deaths Caused By Hurricane Hilary To Be Labeled Suicides
WORLD
·
Aug 18, 2023
The sad thing about that joke is that everyone knows exactly what it means and who they are accusing.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on August 19, 2023, 04:14:33 AM
The sad thing about that joke is that everyone knows exactly what it means and who they are accusing.
the really sad thing is that there are people who don't understand the references.
Post by: Rush on August 19, 2023, 04:33:21 AM
Surely a parody. She's not blonde.
This was a joke, I just got it. I’m so slow.
Post by: Old Crow on August 20, 2023, 08:11:40 AM
"The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected." - Groucho Marx
"A politician is an animal that promises everything before election, and after election breaks every promise." - Chinese Proverb
"The only difference between a politician and a used car salesman is that you can't trade in a politician." - Ed Koch
"A politician is someone who will promise you anything to get elected, and then do anything to stay elected." - Harry Golden
Post by: Lucifer on August 29, 2023, 01:21:11 PM
Post by: texasag93 on August 29, 2023, 02:20:03 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/dn2BKxh.png)
They could also spit in it.... or worse.
Post by: Rush on August 29, 2023, 03:02:47 PM
They could also spit in it.... or worse.
Well don’t actually drink the stuff.
Post by: Lucifer on August 29, 2023, 03:17:43 PM
They could also spit in it.... or worse.
Would improve the flavor, for sure.
Post by: Lucifer on August 30, 2023, 08:57:19 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 01, 2023, 03:17:07 PM
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Post by: Little Joe on September 07, 2023, 11:41:22 AM
Post by: Little Joe on September 14, 2023, 07:27:08 AM
Post by: nddons on September 14, 2023, 10:18:22 AM
Post by: Lucifer on September 19, 2023, 07:33:15 AM
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."
IRS AUDITOR: "That's The guy I'm here to talk to, the mentally challenged one."
BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know?"
Post by: Rush on September 22, 2023, 03:33:36 AM
Post by: texasag93 on September 22, 2023, 03:35:31 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 25, 2023, 06:55:16 PM
At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?"
Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."
The Russian customs official sent him on his way.
At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?"
"Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day."
The Israeli official sent him on his way.
When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner.
Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, "Who is this?"
Jacob replied, "Wrong question. You should have asked 'What is this?' This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without having to pay any customs duty or tax."
The Moral:
"Politics is when you can tell the same crap in different ways to fool different people and come out smelling like a rose."
Post by: Lucifer on September 27, 2023, 06:51:53 AM
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW IF YOU MOVE TO THE SOUTH
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced and Twiced are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?
8. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.
9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
13. The word 'jeetchet' is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat yet?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco, and ketchup.
20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, motorsports, and gossip.
21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)
22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You know what a hissy fit is.
24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
25. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!
26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.
AND one more: 27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
Post by: texasag93 on September 27, 2023, 07:10:21 AM
judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it seems pretty painful.
Post by: nddons on September 27, 2023, 08:10:05 AM
Post by: texasag93 on September 27, 2023, 09:45:45 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20230927/16d4e19a29db01dc616cb5772525374e.jpg)
Bears have nothing on the Browns.
Post by: jb1842 on September 27, 2023, 10:36:06 AM
Bears have nothing on the Browns.
Hey now. My Browns are 2-1 and have one of the best defenses in the league. Even our overpaid, rapist QB is getting better. The Bears should know better for drafting an Ohio State QB. Even a diehard Ohio State fan like me knows better than to do that. Fingers crossed CJ Stroud is finally the exception.
Post by: jb1842 on September 27, 2023, 10:37:16 AM
Post by: Little Joe on September 27, 2023, 01:42:19 PM
Post by: Lucifer on September 29, 2023, 06:59:15 AM
Post by: Little Joe on October 01, 2023, 09:37:16 AM
Post by: texasag93 on October 01, 2023, 11:24:49 AM
Post by: Number7 on October 01, 2023, 01:36:05 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2023/10/full-1274-401514-born.jpg)
Well played sir!
Post by: Lucifer on October 02, 2023, 08:26:17 AM
Post by: Number7 on October 02, 2023, 08:56:46 AM
https://twitter.com/drefanzor/status/1708625242892190074
The person that posted this video admitted in a comment that this video is digitally altered.
twitter.com/drefanzor/stat…
Post by: Lucifer on October 02, 2023, 09:01:33 AM
The person that posted this video admitted in a comment that this video is digitally altered.
twitter.com/drefanzor/stat…
Still funny, I don't care who ya are.
Post by: texasag93 on October 02, 2023, 02:33:48 PM
Still funny, I don't care who ya are.
This.
Post by: Old Crow on October 04, 2023, 04:15:01 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on October 06, 2023, 03:28:08 PM
What do you mean? said the pirate, "I feel fine."
The bartender said, "What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
The pirate said, "Well we were in battle and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender said, "Well, okay but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
The pirate said, "Well, we were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
The bartender said, "What about that eye patch?"
The pirate said, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye."
The bartender said, "You're kidding, you lost your eye from bird sh*t?
The pirate said, "It was my first day with the hook."
Post by: Rush on October 06, 2023, 04:59:12 PM
Post by: Lucifer on October 12, 2023, 04:42:52 PM
They picked it up and a genie popped out.
"I will grant you each one wish, whatever you desire", said the genie.
The Democrat said, "I would like for my fellow liberals and I to live the life and exist under the form of government we believe in!" POOF! All the Democrats in America were whisked away to Venezuela.
The genie turns to the Republican and said, "And what is your wish?"
The Republican paused for a second and said, "You mean to tell me that all the Democrats in America are gone?"
The genie answered, "Yes!"
The Republican goes, "In that case, I'll take a beer."
Post by: Rush on October 13, 2023, 05:03:43 AM
Post by: Number7 on October 13, 2023, 05:41:54 AM
There are going to be a lot of young people who won't get this at all.
Good Old Floyd...
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on October 13, 2023, 06:40:16 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3yZVLfFvRg
Post by: Rush on October 13, 2023, 06:47:05 AM
Thanks, Rush. Could do worse than starting off the day watching Andy Griffith clips. Except they do illustrate starkly how far our culture has fallen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3yZVLfFvRg
That is excellent. Today Hollywood wants universal income for sitting on your lazy butt doing nothing.
Post by: elwood blues on October 13, 2023, 12:01:16 PM
Good Old Floyd...
I just recently read that he had a stroke which paralyzed half his body. The last two years of the show, they never showed him standing alone -- he was always sitting or leaning against his chair.
Post by: Rush on October 13, 2023, 01:57:24 PM
I just recently read that he had a stroke which paralyzed half his body. The last two years of the show, they never showed him standing alone -- he was always sitting or leaning against his chair.
Interesting. Strokes terrify me.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on October 13, 2023, 03:24:51 PM
Interesting. Strokes terrify me.FIL and my Mother had strokes.
Post by: Rush on October 13, 2023, 05:52:33 PM
FIL and my Mother had strokes.
My mother has evidence of “old, mild” strokes on her scans. No paralysis or anything. It seems to be the cause of her dementia. I guess they call that “mini strokes”. No symptoms. No sudden changes. Just gradual decline in cognition over several years. Dad had same thing but the diabetes and cancer and everything from smoking killed him before the strokes had time to affect him for very long.
The kind that terrify me are like the one that got Edwyn Collins in his 40s. Kind of ruined his music career. Or to get paralyzed at any age. I’d rather just die.
This is one of my most favorite-est songs.
Post by: Jim Logajan on October 17, 2023, 08:55:34 PM
Post by: Little Joe on October 18, 2023, 05:17:01 AM
Post by: texasag93 on October 21, 2023, 07:32:58 AM
I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I too became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
(It’s impossible not to look!)
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, “No!", but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing.
Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $1.25 at the Dollar Store and
bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.
Oh, and the best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon!
Let’s be safe out there, Men!
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 21, 2023, 09:49:36 AM
Post by: Rush on October 21, 2023, 10:18:14 AM
Post by: Bamaflyer on October 21, 2023, 11:19:29 AM
I’ve already sent that one to my husband to alert him to that awful scam!
Rush you’re a “role model” wife! 🥴
Post by: Old Crow on October 22, 2023, 06:31:39 AM
Post by: Lucifer on October 23, 2023, 08:30:21 PM
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial 🪨rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
“We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around. She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
“You’ve built a Golf Course too?
Post by: Lucifer on October 24, 2023, 05:05:03 PM
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire to the charger is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along, and you're all leaned back
and BAM, BAM, BAM, you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...but
Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot-long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and
take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn! I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing
in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created..
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
Post by: texasag93 on October 31, 2023, 11:44:21 AM
Too soon?
Post by: nddons on October 31, 2023, 03:57:21 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2023/10/full-250-404095-mattperry2.jpg)You owe my firm a new laptop because I spit my water on the screen.
Too soon?
Now that’s funny right there.
Post by: Rush on November 01, 2023, 06:16:31 PM
*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 02, 2023, 04:23:00 AM
Stolen from Twitter: https://twitter.com/HilzFuld/status/1719689381051547680
*WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .*
*The Italian –* throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
*The German –* carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
*The Frenchman –* takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
*The Chinese –* eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
*The Russian –* Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.
*The Israeli –* sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.
*The Palestinian –* blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian so there will be peace.
where is the concern for the fly?
Post by: nddons on November 05, 2023, 07:02:24 AM
Post by: Rush on November 05, 2023, 08:13:33 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231105/4d2d6c70b6b7ff0da61b08e6c35842d8.jpg)
I already woke up this morning totally confused having no idea if it was 5 am, 4 am, or 6 am as I was trying to make my coffee. Didn’t know if hubby had already reset the kitchen clocks the night before or not, and even if he did, I didn’t know whether my brain thought it was earlier or later than whatever the clocks said.
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on November 05, 2023, 09:17:34 AM
I already woke up this morning totally confused having no idea if it was 5 am, 4 am, or 6 am as I was trying to make my coffee. Didn’t know if hubby had already reset the kitchen clocks the night before or not, and even if he did, I didn’t know whether my brain thought it was earlier or later than whatever the clocks said.Atomic clocks. Pretty much just leaves the microwave and range to reset. I really like our atomic clocks, but for some reason they don’t want to make pretty ones. Still. Precise and update themselves.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 05, 2023, 10:07:18 AM
Post by: Old Crow on November 06, 2023, 12:31:27 PM
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about how youthful she looked! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
Post by: Anthony on November 07, 2023, 04:17:29 AM
I already woke up this morning totally confused having no idea if it was 5 am, 4 am, or 6 am as I was trying to make my coffee. Didn’t know if hubby had already reset the kitchen clocks the night before or not, and even if he did, I didn’t know whether my brain thought it was earlier or later than whatever the clocks said.
Just look at your phone.
Post by: Rush on November 07, 2023, 05:47:35 AM
Just look at your phone.
My phone was in the other room. You think I carry that thing around before coffee?
Post by: Anthony on November 07, 2023, 07:00:05 AM
My phone was in the other room. You think I carry that thing around before coffee?
I use my phone as my morning alarm, so I don't worry about daylight savings or not, and yes, it's with me from wake up to bed. However, I wear a wristwatch religiously and adjust that when needed. I feel naked without my watch or phone.
Post by: Rush on November 07, 2023, 07:03:35 AM
I use my phone as my morning alarm, so I don't worry about daylight savings or not, and yes, it's with me from wake up to bed. However, I wear a wristwatch religiously and adjust that when needed. I feel naked without my watch or phone.
I can't even hear my phone until I put my hearing aids in and I'm not doing that either before coffee. Neither do I wear watches anymore. They all have nickle alloy backings and I'm violently allergic to them.
Post by: Little Joe on November 07, 2023, 07:22:14 AM
I can't even hear my phone until I put my hearing aids inSame here.
Quote
in and I'm not doing that either before coffee.Same here.
Quote
Neither do I wear watches anymore.Same here.
Quote
They all have nickle alloy backings and I'm violently allergic to them.Same reason, except that I'm not "violently alergic" but the all seem to turn my wrist green.
But I do keep my phone next to my bed and use it as a bedside clock.
Also, I'm retired. I really don't care if I get up at 4am or 5 or 6, or even as late as 7.
Post by: Anthony on November 07, 2023, 08:15:52 AM
I can't even hear my phone until I put my hearing aids in and I'm not doing that either before coffee. Neither do I wear watches anymore. They all have nickle alloy backings and I'm violently allergic to them.
Yes, I keep forgetting about your hearing. So sorry. The vast majority of my watches are dive watches and made from 316L surgical steel. However, I'm not allergic to Nickel or other metals/elements. If you want to wear a watch again, start there.
Post by: Rush on November 07, 2023, 09:57:34 AM
Yes, I keep forgetting about your hearing. So sorry. The vast majority of my watches are dive watches and made from 316L surgical steel. However, I'm not allergic to Nickel or other metals/elements. If you want to wear a watch again, start there.
Nope. Surgical steel still contains too much nickel. What makes it surgical is the molybdenum. That makes it more resistant to corrosion. The human body is hard on metals, especially internal implants.
Post by: Rush on November 07, 2023, 10:02:46 AM
Same here.Same here.Same here.Same reason, except that I'm not "violently alergic" but the all seem to turn my wrist green.
But I do keep my phone next to my bed and use it as a bedside clock.
Also, I'm retired. I really don't care if I get up at 4am or 5 or 6, or even as late as 7.
I'm retired too from a "real" job, and don't need to set my alarm most of the time. I wake up any time from 2 to 6. I work my own hours for my contracting job.
I have my phone on the bedside table but always face down. I have an old school electric clock that shows the time and that's what I look at but I can't remember if it automatically changes time or if it does, does it use today's dates or the dates back in the old days?
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 07, 2023, 10:35:16 AM
Post by: Lucifer on November 07, 2023, 06:34:11 PM
Post by: nddons on November 07, 2023, 06:40:18 PM
Wow, these jokes just get better and better!LOL
Post by: Little Joe on November 07, 2023, 06:43:22 PM
Don't wear my watch any more. I notice so many folks with the smart watches now. My wife uses her phone for an alarm. In the bedroom we also have an Echo Dot that has a clock built in. When we're out an about the phone is with me so I have a clock I can look at.If I were to allow an Echo Dot in my house, I think the bedroom is the LAST place I would allow it. I don't care too much if someone listens as I am making a chicken soup in the kitchen.
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 07, 2023, 07:14:56 PM
Wow, these jokes just get better and better!A friend of mine bought me a watch that has stopped working, but I haven’t told him yet. It’s never the right time.
(Setting the bar low so they can only get better!)
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 08, 2023, 05:39:59 AM
If I were to allow an Echo Dot in my house, I think the bedroom is the LAST place I would allow it. I don't care too much if someone listens as I am making a chicken soup in the kitchen.
I never heard that euphemism before.
Post by: Lucifer on November 09, 2023, 10:09:01 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on November 10, 2023, 10:25:06 AM
Suddenly he slows down and thinks: "I'm too old for this."He pulls over and waits for the police to catch up.
The officer gets out of the car and as he's heading to the old man, he says:"Sir, my shift is ending in 10 minutes. Today's Friday and I'm leaving this weekend with my family. If you give me a very good reason that I’ve never heard before, I'll let you go"
The old man looks at him, thinks very hard and says:"Years ago, my wife ran away with a policeman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you're bringing her back"
"A good day to you sir" - said the policeman
Post by: texasag93 on November 17, 2023, 02:46:11 PM
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the crap out of them."
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on November 17, 2023, 06:41:02 PM
https://newstalk870.am/miss-universe-pageant-files-bankruptcy-1-year-after-transgender-move/
It’s hard to believe a male actually would want to be Miss Universe.
Post by: Username on November 18, 2023, 09:05:44 AM
My big objection is that since it's Miss Universe, it should include all the hot alien chicks from Star Trek.
Post by: Lucifer on November 18, 2023, 09:20:09 AM
I just received my 2024 Social Security Stimulus Package today.
It contained a two cents raise, two discount coupons to KFC, a “Biden Build Back Better” bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Biden Speech Decoder Ring, a machine to blow smoke up my own fanny, case of Bud Light, and a “Blame it on Trump” poster for the front yard.
The directions were in Spanish.
Yours should arrive soon.
Post by: Lucifer on November 20, 2023, 08:01:17 AM
Post by: nddons on November 22, 2023, 02:18:23 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231122/8ae0141bc7c6fdffa01709be22929ac2.jpg)
Post by: Little Joe on November 22, 2023, 04:40:01 PM
I need to get this for this year’s Army-Navy game.I gave it a "like" because it is true. I played "Army" as a kid.
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231122/8ae0141bc7c6fdffa01709be22929ac2.jpg)
But I still pull for Navy because my family history is primarily Navy.
Post by: Username on November 23, 2023, 07:24:35 AM
I need to get this for this year’s Army-Navy game.My mother was Army and my father was Navy. Made the game really exciting!
And to make the mixed marriage even more interesting, he's a Swede and she's a Finn. His mother told him he should have brought home a nice Japanese bride instead.
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2023, 09:11:53 AM
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2023, 09:12:59 AM
Post by: nddons on November 23, 2023, 10:23:47 AM
I gave it a "like" because it is true. I played "Army" as a kid.We watched Combat with Vic Morrow, and then went out to play Army. I had a wood and steel toy M-1 Garand (the kind used by high school bands it crumb and bugle corps). I got "shot", threw my rifle in the air and collapsed from my wounds. Steel rifle barrel came straight down on my forehead resulting in 6 stitches. The neighborhood didn't issue Purple Hearts however.
But I still pull for Navy because my family history is primarily Navy.
Post by: Little Joe on November 23, 2023, 12:23:52 PM
We watched Combat with Vic Morrow, and then went out to play Army. I had a wood and steel toy M-1 Garand (the kind used by high school bands it crumb and bugle corps). I got "shot", threw my rifle in the air and collapsed from my wounds. Steel rifle barrel came straight down on my forehead resulting in 6 stitches. The neighborhood didn't issue Purple Hearts however."Combat" was at the root of a few of the times we got hurt and in trouble, and like you, a lot of the time it was the dramatic death fall.
I loved that show. My sisters hated it.
Post by: Rush on November 23, 2023, 02:16:38 PM
We watched Combat with Vic Morrow, and then went out to play Army. I had a wood and steel toy M-1 Garand (the kind used by high school bands it crumb and bugle corps). I got "shot", threw my rifle in the air and collapsed from my wounds. Steel rifle barrel came straight down on my forehead resulting in 6 stitches. The neighborhood didn't issue Purple Hearts however.
Ouch!
Post by: nddons on November 23, 2023, 04:40:51 PM
Ouch!It was a war wound. It was cool.
Post by: Username on November 23, 2023, 06:43:18 PM
It was a war wound. It was cool.Chicks dig scars.
Post by: Rush on November 23, 2023, 07:01:20 PM
Chicks dig scars.
Actually we sorta do. Speaking for myself anyway. I even like my own hip replacement scar!
Post by: Lucifer on November 27, 2023, 06:42:52 AM
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
• After watching how some people wore their masks I understand why contraception fails.
• For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘>From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages … Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
• How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when
…the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and
…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
Post by: Lucifer on November 29, 2023, 06:13:07 AM
Post by: Lucifer on November 29, 2023, 06:14:14 AM
Post by: Old Crow on November 29, 2023, 04:01:44 PM
Post by: Rush on November 30, 2023, 08:53:54 AM
Post by: nddons on November 30, 2023, 04:09:58 PM
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on November 30, 2023, 04:15:46 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231130/2b1102330fde4c87334d68b436cdcbf2.jpg)
ok, I'll admit that I don't understand the joke...
Post by: Rush on November 30, 2023, 06:10:52 PM
ok, I'll admit that I don't understand the joke...
Me neither…
Post by: Old Crow on November 30, 2023, 07:09:52 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on November 30, 2023, 07:31:54 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20231130/2b1102330fde4c87334d68b436cdcbf2.jpg)
If the pilot's good, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that thing in so low, oh it's a sight to see. You wouldn't expect it with a big ol' plane like a '52, but varrrooom! The jet exhaust... frying chickens in the barnyard!
Post by: nddons on November 30, 2023, 09:41:27 PM
Parody on a commercial about giving a puppy to someone for Christmas as it is a 15 year commitment?Exactly. Or a tortoise, which can live 150 years.
Jesus this is a dense, humorless crowd. ;)
Post by: Rush on December 01, 2023, 03:01:55 AM
Exactly. Or a tortoise, which can live 150 years.
Jesus this is a dense, humorless crowd. ;)
Ooooh, okay. Haha, that’s funny.
Post by: President-Elect Bob Noel on December 01, 2023, 05:50:43 AM
Parody on a commercial about giving a puppy to someone for Christmas as it is a 15 year commitment?
ah, so the fact that I don't watch commercials would be an explanation of why I didn't understand the joke.
When I watched the movie "Airplane", I missed many of the jokes because I hadn't watched any of the Airport movies. When I eventually did watch some of the Airport movies, I was laughing at some parts because of the "Airplane" movie.
Post by: Rush on December 01, 2023, 05:52:19 AM
ah, so the fact that I don't watch commercials would be an explanation of why I didn't understand the joke.
When I watched the movie "Airplane", I missed many of the jokes because I hadn't watched any of the Airport movies. When I eventually did watch some of the Airport movies, I was laughing at some parts because of the "Airplane" movie.
That’s probably why I didn’t get it either. I never watch TV anymore.
Post by: Bamaflyer on December 01, 2023, 08:56:15 AM
That’s probably why I didn’t get it either. I never watch TV anymore.
Me either, xcept for college football and the History Channel.
Post by: Rush on December 08, 2023, 05:37:20 AM
Post by: Rush on December 08, 2023, 05:38:18 AM
Post by: texasag93 on December 09, 2023, 04:40:15 PM
.
Should be the 70s.
In the 80's, we had a cordless phone and yes...my mom lost ours a few times in the house.
Post by: Lucifer on December 09, 2023, 07:54:40 PM
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, New Mexico, Arizona, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was re- negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety sticker on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't always wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Post by: texasag93 on December 12, 2023, 07:23:20 AM
Post by: Little Joe on December 13, 2023, 11:48:17 AM
https://twitter.com/CubanMofo_/status/1733520157849387109
Post by: Lucifer on December 16, 2023, 03:38:03 PM
Post by: Lucifer on December 19, 2023, 08:21:32 AM
Post by: Little Joe on December 20, 2023, 06:53:39 PM
Post by: Rush on December 22, 2023, 12:06:56 PM
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on December 22, 2023, 05:59:38 PM
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he'll post it. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended."
Post by: Number7 on December 22, 2023, 06:36:40 PM
but can’t remember what offends me….
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on December 23, 2023, 06:40:34 AM
Post by: Lucifer on December 26, 2023, 08:02:29 PM
THE RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the new Target store.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
Post by: texasag93 on January 01, 2024, 04:25:25 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2024/01/full-60741-409792-img_1560.jpeg)
Post by: Lucifer on January 11, 2024, 07:02:49 PM
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Post by: Lucifer on January 12, 2024, 11:09:56 AM
The Desert Heat
A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that strange head piece you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, my son, it is a chechia, In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this clothing you are wearing?" asked the boy. "This long flowing robe seems so strange."
"Oh, my son," exclaimed the father, "It is very simple. This is a djbellah. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body.``
The son then asked, "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?"
"These are babouches, my son," the father replied. "You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
"So, tell me then," added the boy. "Why are you living in Portland, Oregon and still wearing all that shit?"
Post by: elwood blues on January 12, 2024, 03:16:29 PM
Too bad. I would like to have one now that I could wear around town.
I do know that the women wear western clothing under the abaya, and the men are down to their skivvies.
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 14, 2024, 08:25:10 PM
Before I called her back, my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00, was to get her boyfriend out of jail, so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”.
I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for minute, and decided to give her the $300.00, because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response, “so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!”
Post by: Old Crow on January 16, 2024, 11:54:54 AM
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 19, 2024, 06:35:59 AM
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.""Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it.""Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor and smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,"They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning General, may I get your coffee Sir?'"
Post by: Old Crow on January 19, 2024, 08:06:08 PM
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!".
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on January 22, 2024, 10:46:40 AM
He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.
"1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?"
Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused."Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …
"St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.
"St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2024, 07:55:08 AM
Post by: Old Crow on January 24, 2024, 07:07:59 AM
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"
Post by: Little Joe on January 24, 2024, 01:59:44 PM
"It's a little known fact that before the invention of the crowbar, crows used to just drink at home. "
Post by: Rush on January 26, 2024, 05:46:55 AM
So, I woke him up at 2 am to tell him my sock came off.
Post by: Lucifer on January 31, 2024, 08:37:59 AM
Post by: Old Crow on February 01, 2024, 06:33:32 PM
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
"Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed: Desperate
The response (that came weeks later out of the blue)
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the Tears application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
Tech Support
Post by: Rush on February 02, 2024, 05:20:23 AM
Post by: Rush on February 02, 2024, 05:30:17 AM
The Albanian and Bohemian raised their rifles to shoot the bears and recover their buddy, but the bears were too quick and got away. The two hunters, intent on recovering their friend tracked the bears shooting wolves and mountain lions along the way.
When they finally crept up on the offending bears they realized that between them they had only one shot left.
What should we do? Asked the bewildered Albanian. We only have one bullet and we don't know which bear has our friend. With that the Bohemian raised his rifle and with his last shot dispatched the bear and out jumped their friend.
Brilliant, cried the Albanian. But how did you know which bear to shoot? Easy, said the Bohemian. One was a mamma bear. The other was a poppa, and as anyone should know, the Czech's always in the male.
Post by: Mase on February 02, 2024, 06:57:06 AM
Post by: Little Joe on February 03, 2024, 04:22:43 AM
Post by: Lucifer on February 08, 2024, 06:43:48 AM
Don't worry! The Babylon Bee is here to help you determine your date's true gender with the following list of signs to watch for:
She picked a restaurant in 5 seconds: No woman can accomplish this feat.
She ordered a ribeye and a Guinness: Nice order… SIR.
She works as the U.S. Assistant Secretary of Health: Oh no! Your date is Admiral Rachel Levine!
She just wants to chill, smoke cigars, and name obscure running backs: Enjoying a Padrón and throwing out names like "Tim Biakabutuka" isn't any woman's idea of a good time.
Her chest is hairier than yours: You can tell even though she isn't wearing a low-cut blouse because it's sticking out the neck hole.
She won a gold medal in the men's decathlon at the 1976 Olympics: As impressive as this accomplishment is, that ain't no lady.
She tries to seduce you by burping the alphabet: Any woman would score major points with this, but everyone knows that isn't going to happen.
She says she has a doctor's appointment on Thursday for a prostate exam: We're not biologists, but we're fairly certain women don't have prostates.
She can watch a movie without asking any questions about the plot: Only a man can follow the plot of a movie that well.
She's currently peeing at the urinal next to you: RUN!
If you notice any of the signs listed above, it's a near guarantee that you're on a date with a dude. Politely excuse yourself, leave the restaurant, and pretend like this date never happened.
https://babylonbee.com/cleanArticle/is-your-date-transgender-12-signs-to-look-for
Post by: Little Joe on February 10, 2024, 10:30:35 AM
In the Biden presidency so far:
11 million jobs have been created, including 750,000 manufacturing jobs
The unemployment rate is at a 50-year record low. Today, there are more people working in America than ever before.
A record number of small businesses have started
The CHIPS and Science law was passed. It's described as "a bipartisan law that invests in domestic semiconductor manufacturing, improves our domestic supply chains, boosts economic competition with China, & has created more than 100,000 new American jobs.” This is seen as a generational investment in American industry and manufacturing.
The cost of prescription drugs was lowered by allowing Medicare to negotiate for lower prescription drug costs.
The cost of insulin for seniors was capped at $35 per month.
The infrastructure act was passed to rebuild roads, bridges, power and water infrastructure and extend broadband access
The first major gun safety legislation in nearly 30 years was passed, closing the "boyfriend loophole"
The number of Americans without health insurance is now 6 million lower than before the pandemic
Legislation was passed creating a minimum 15% tax rate for billion-dollar corporations
The Inflation Reduction Act was passed, which is investing in clean energy around the country and creating new good-paying jobs. It also capped prescription drug prices to $2,000 per year for seniors on Medicare.
The American Rescue Plan act was passed to protect workers' pensions, lowered insurance premiums for millions of lower-income families, provided funds for affordable housing, public safety and crime reduction, support for small businesses, expanded child care programs, invested in mental health and health care centers around the US, and supported families with children.
The Bipartisan Safer Communities Act was passed, providing incentives for states to pass red-flag laws, prevent people convicted of domestic abuse from owning firearms, expands background firearm checks for people between the ages of 18 and 21, and allocated funds for mental health programs for young people.
Biden issued an executive order raising standards for law-enforcement agencies, with particular emphasis on use-of-force policies, availability of body cameras and recruitment and retention of officers.
Biden signed a bill to help veterans who have been suffering from the effects of burn pits.
Biden ended the war in Afghanistan.
Biden signed the Postal Service Reform Act to modernize and stabilize the US Postal Service and maintain mail 6 days a week, focusing on improved delivery rates.
Biden reestablished respect for America around the world.
America rejoined the Paris Agreement on climate change.
Biden almost single-handedly rebuilt NATO by bringing together nations to support Ukraine.
NATO has been expanded by the inclusion of Finland and, imminently, Sweden.
The budget of the IRS has been boosted by $80 billion to catch tax cheats.
Biden created more jobs in one year (6.6 million) than any other president in US history.
Reauthorized the Violence Against Women Act through 2027.
Biden reduced the cost of gas by releasing oil from the National Strategic Reserve. The Reserve is now being refilled at lower prices than the gas was sold for.
Biden nominated the first Black woman to the US Supreme Court.
Biden pardoned all federal offenses of simple marijuana possession.
Inflation has been lowered while maintaining a strong economy.
The recession that just about everyone was certain was going to happen didn't happen.
If another Biden term means more accomplishments like these, then I'm all for it. And remember, a lot of these accomplishments happened in the face of a hostile Congress and a former president trying his best to prevent any accomplishments from happening just so he could campaign on that.
Post by: Old Crow on February 11, 2024, 07:20:55 AM
Post by: texasag93 on February 12, 2024, 04:00:03 PM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on February 12, 2024, 08:00:53 PM
Post by: Anthony on February 13, 2024, 03:01:50 AM
I do know the 49ers would loved to have found one more point. 8)
Guys I work with who are into sports betting think it's all rigged. I haven't watched for years.
Post by: Rush on February 16, 2024, 06:35:01 AM
Post by: Little Joe on February 16, 2024, 10:58:04 AM
.Also got up,
Went to the bathroom,
and got a cup of coffee.
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2024, 07:13:49 AM
Post by: Number7 on February 21, 2024, 07:37:39 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/W6jJDL1.gif)
They posted the wrong video.
This one is joe biden’s cabinet getting ready for a cabinet meeting.
Post by: Rush on February 23, 2024, 05:39:44 AM
Post by: Rush on February 23, 2024, 05:41:00 AM
Post by: Rush on March 01, 2024, 07:21:44 PM
Post by: texasag93 on March 04, 2024, 11:14:09 AM
Post by: texasag93 on March 06, 2024, 06:39:14 AM
Post by: Username on March 11, 2024, 01:44:09 PM
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2024, 02:05:46 PM
Desperate for cash, FJB joins Pornhub
OH GOD....
🤢
🤮
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 12, 2024, 06:45:30 PM
:)
Post by: Rush on March 15, 2024, 05:15:26 AM
Post by: Rush on March 15, 2024, 05:15:54 AM
Post by: Rush on March 15, 2024, 05:16:25 AM
Post by: EppyGA - White Christian Domestic Terrorist on March 15, 2024, 11:22:14 AM
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic Church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
Post by: texasag93 on March 15, 2024, 03:37:14 PM
Squirrels were gone in one generation.
Post by: Lucifer on March 17, 2024, 05:44:54 PM
"Norman needed a blood transfusion,
but his blood type was not on record,
so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was.
They urgently needed to know, to save Norman's life.
Tragically, I had never known his blood type,
so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me,
"Be positive, be positive!”
That was my Norman! Always optimistic and thinking of others."
Post by: Bamaflyer on March 18, 2024, 04:26:19 AM
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Joe Biden stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!
Post by: Bamaflyer on March 18, 2024, 04:27:44 AM
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally, the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Eventually, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash of billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
Post by: Bamaflyer on March 19, 2024, 01:40:19 PM
"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.
Post by: texasag93 on March 19, 2024, 02:47:52 PM
Post by: Jim Logajan on March 22, 2024, 07:30:15 PM
- What's a polar bear?
- A Cartesian bear after a coordinate transformation.
.....
In school you learned the 3 Rs. Now you are in biology 101, we will be studying the three Fs - feeding, fighting and reproduction.
.....
There's a construction worker who's feeling unfulfilled in his marriage, and he's begun to think about getting a mistress. He realizes this is kind of a big deal, so he decides to ask his friends about it.
First he asks a lawyer friend. The lawyer friend said "Do you have any idea the kind of legal trouble you'd be in if your wife tried to divorce you? The constant litigation, the legal fees, all the problems? Leave well enough alone, I say."
Then he asks an investor friend. The investor friend says "Well, there's always little perks to it in the short term, but I don't see it having the proper return on investment in the long term. Better to reinvest in what works."
Lastly, he asks a physics friend. The physics friend says "Oh yeah, getting a mistress is great. Highly recommend."
He says "Really?"
"Yeah," the physicist replies. "See, when you're not with your wife, she thinks you're with the mistress. When you're not with the mistress, she thinks you're with the wife. You can finally spend some proper time in the lab."
Post by: Becky (My pronouns are Assigned/By/God) on March 23, 2024, 06:51:07 AM
That was painful.
Love, Becky
Post by: Jim Logajan on March 23, 2024, 08:22:10 AM
Dear Jim:Now you know why physicists never get invited to parties.
That was painful.
Love, Becky
Post by: Number7 on March 23, 2024, 08:25:36 AM
Now you know why physicists never get invited to parties.
Or laid very often.
Post by: Rush on March 23, 2024, 05:37:14 PM
Post by: Lucifer on March 29, 2024, 02:15:34 PM
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
... PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING..
Post by: Rush on March 29, 2024, 02:38:09 PM
Post by: Little Joe on March 31, 2024, 03:23:29 AM
Post by: elwood blues on March 31, 2024, 03:06:26 PM
https://www.csmonitor.com/World/Middle-East/2015/0115/The-Great-Wall-of-Saudi-Arabia (https://www.csmonitor.com/World/Middle-East/2015/0115/The-Great-Wall-of-Saudi-Arabia)
Post by: Lucifer on April 01, 2024, 05:38:08 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 01, 2024, 03:55:20 PM
A confession.....
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Nina Capelli then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2024, 06:59:31 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2024, 05:45:53 AM
Post by: Rush on April 11, 2024, 05:27:42 PM
Post by: Rush on April 12, 2024, 05:32:31 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 15, 2024, 04:49:43 AM
Post by: Lucifer on April 19, 2024, 03:58:06 AM
Post by: Rush on April 19, 2024, 05:08:49 AM
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Post by: Old Crow on April 22, 2024, 07:48:37 AM
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"
Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared.
He died at the ripe old age of 98.
After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."