PILOT SPIN

Spin Zone => Spin Zone => Topic started by: Lucifer on December 13, 2018, 05:25:02 PM

Title: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 13, 2018, 05:25:02 PM
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 14, 2018, 02:45:42 PM
The Final Exam …

There were four seniors taking Microbiology and all of them had an ‘A’ so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Butte and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn’t make it back to Montana State University in Bozeman until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

Professor Olesnicki agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day Professor Olesnicki placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page…

On the second page was written…

For 95 points:

Which Tire? _________
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 14, 2018, 04:37:49 PM
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady,"he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash
your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 15, 2018, 08:29:55 AM
Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.

Off to the scale they go.

After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.

Off to the scale they go again.

This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.

Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.

Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?

“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on December 15, 2018, 09:57:27 AM
Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.

Off to the scale they go.

After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.

Off to the scale they go again.

This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.

Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.

Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?

“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny

Took me a second to get this but, hahaha!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 16, 2018, 06:28:04 PM
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED - THE TWIST!!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 16, 2018, 06:59:14 PM
I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 21, 2018, 10:34:17 AM
http://hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/12/ssvid.mp4?_=1
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on December 22, 2018, 07:07:04 PM
So I got onto this elevator and there was a woman already on, so I simply said “Merry Christmas”, and she tore into me with her, “I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in Christmas so you can just keep your words to yourself”
I was so stunned I didn’t know what to say, but realizing there would be a group of people waiting on the elevator doors to open, I quickly dropped my pants, and as the elevator door opened pull them up really quick, and said “wow, thank you lady, and a merry Christmas to you too”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 22, 2018, 07:24:11 PM
A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they've only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she'd like. They go to the mall and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys.

The sister then picks up a pair of panties for herself and buys them.

But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without anyone realising. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the panties.

Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas Eve.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 23, 2018, 07:27:42 PM
1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Jim Logajan on December 25, 2018, 12:02:38 PM
Q: Why does Santa land on the roof?

A: Because he likes to be on top.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?

A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q. What's the difference between Santa and Donald Trump?

A. Santa limits himself to three hos.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on December 25, 2018, 05:50:36 PM
Santa getting some gas last night
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 25, 2018, 05:53:31 PM
(https://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/afb122118dAPR20181221044515.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 03, 2019, 07:24:09 AM
Two blondes are sitting on a park bench in the state of Indiana looking up at the moon. The one blonde asks the other, "What do you think is closer, Texas or the moon?". The other blonde replies, "HELLO! You can't see Texas from here can you?"..
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 05, 2019, 06:45:08 PM
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
“Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna”

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
“Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
“By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 14, 2019, 07:39:00 PM
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on January 15, 2019, 08:09:02 PM
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 15, 2019, 08:47:38 PM
Fishing in a frozen lake It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.

The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 16, 2019, 05:51:40 PM
Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 19, 2019, 12:13:35 PM
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on January 19, 2019, 02:25:40 PM
A husband and wife have been married a while and are getting on in years. The husband began to suspect the old lady was starting to lose her hearing. So one day he decided to test her when she wasn't looking. He approached from behind, about 20 feet away, and quietly said, "Can you hear me?"

Nothing. So he moved closer, about 15 feet, and said, "Can you hear me?"  Again, no response.

So he moved to 10 feet away and said again, "Can you hear me?"

Still no answer. So he moved in to about 5 feet from her back and said once more, "Can you hear me?" This time his wife turned around and said, "I already said 'yes' three times!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 19, 2019, 02:34:00 PM

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.
Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.
Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on January 21, 2019, 09:58:24 AM
Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?
 
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
 
 And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
 
 Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on January 21, 2019, 10:20:22 AM
^^^^^Racist!  Sexist!

Funny!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on January 21, 2019, 11:44:03 AM
Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue?
 
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
 
 And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs?
 
 Now KFC has a new offer, the "Nancy Pelosi Special," It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken shit.

If it didn’t have so much truth it’s wouldn’t be as funny.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2019, 12:59:08 PM

  The Rabbi is leaving
 
At the regular Saturday morning service, the Rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation No one wants him to leave, because he is so  popular.

Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims,  "If  the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here,  I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The  Rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a  wonderful and holy lady. Whatever  possessed you to say that?"  Estelle's  90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of  his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and Abe said, "fuck him!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 23, 2019, 04:00:56 PM
Weight Loss Program:

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 28, 2019, 02:31:37 PM
After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Ladin is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Nancy Pelosi a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Pelosi opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Pelosi was baffled, so she e-mailed it to Chuck Shumer. Shumer and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Jim Comey couldn't could solve it at the FBI, so it went to John Brennan at the CIA without luck.

They then sent it to to the NSA. Jim Clapper also had no clue as to its meaning so the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply, "Tell Pelosi she's holding the message upside down."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 28, 2019, 02:32:51 PM
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young
man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir; God will provide," replied the fiancé The conversation
proceeded like this . . . and each time the father questioned, the young
idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on January 28, 2019, 06:11:22 PM
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when a TSA employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Too much truth to this to be a joke...
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on January 28, 2019, 07:03:12 PM
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when a TSA employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

Too much truth to this to be a joke...
This joke thread would be funnier if you don’t add true stories. Except for getting the manager, the McDonalds story actually happened to me.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:18:26 PM
Laws not taught in Physics

1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking — A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:21:02 PM
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 01, 2019, 05:22:34 PM
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 05, 2019, 07:53:09 PM
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on February 06, 2019, 09:54:45 AM
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,

"I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but

surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.

"Stupid American docttah, always want opawate.

Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor.

"Wait two week. Fall off by itself.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 06, 2019, 04:34:22 PM
1. Teaching Math In the 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?



 
2. Teaching Math In the 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


 

3. Teaching Math In the 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is $80.

Did he make a profit ? Yes or No
 



4. Teaching Math In the 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 2018

(a) A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of just $20.

What do you think of this way of making a living?

(b) Topic for class participation after answering question (a):

How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

Please note: There are no wrong answers - feel free to express your feelings e.g, anger, anxiety, inadequacy, helplessness etc.

(Should you require debriefing at the conclusion of the exam, there are counsellors available to assist you adjust back into the real world.)





6. Teaching Math In 2050

هاتشيرو تبيع كارلواد من نهاب100 دولار.  تكلفةالإنتاج هو80 دولاراً. كيف
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Jim Logajan on February 06, 2019, 06:26:45 PM
I'd have to know the species of the load; e.g. western cedar, spruce, lodgepole pine, balsam, etc.



 ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on February 06, 2019, 06:30:07 PM
I need to know the sexual orientation of the logger for Steingar. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on February 06, 2019, 08:13:48 PM
Is the logger happily married? Does he have kids? What did he have for lunch in the forest that day? Does he go to church, play an instrument, have a pet, or fly a plane?

That’s why I am an English major. Story problems never give you enough information.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on February 06, 2019, 08:43:00 PM
I need to know the sexual orientation of the logger for Steingar.

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on February 07, 2019, 08:05:50 AM
That was a little TMI about the logger ...  :-[

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on February 07, 2019, 10:29:10 AM

Oh man. That’s a CLASSIC!  I miss Monty Python. It would be great now but the humorless masses would not understand it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 11:15:20 AM
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 11:22:15 AM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on February 07, 2019, 01:36:53 PM
https://mobile.twitter.com/RealJamesWoods/status/1093559362549833728
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on February 07, 2019, 04:58:18 PM
Too funny

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=986)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on February 07, 2019, 05:57:43 PM
Looks like a transcript of an AOC speech.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 07, 2019, 07:46:28 PM
So today I was on Amazon, and I ordered a chicken, then I ordered an egg.

I'll let you know.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 09, 2019, 05:14:11 PM
A plane is on its way to Washington, DC, when a Democrat, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who is seated in Economy Class, gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the future congresswoman that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

Cortez replies, “I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Democrat bimbo sitting in First Class, she belongs in Economy and she won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Ocasio-Cortez and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to Economy.
Ocasio-Cortez replies, “I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the future congresswoman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a Democrat Socialist? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a liberal. I speak socialist.”

He goes back to the Democrat and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” She then gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.”I told her, ‘First Class isn’t going to DC.’
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 10, 2019, 07:33:23 AM
Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

AOC looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." Sandy replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as Sandy placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Sandy was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Sandy replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 10, 2019, 07:55:35 PM
Crank up the sound.
https://twitter.com/OzzyManReviews/status/1086224450918334469
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on February 11, 2019, 06:43:12 AM
Crank up the sound.
https://twitter.com/OzzyManReviews/status/1086224450918334469
Laughing through tears here! Priceless!  That’s soooo exactly illustrates that if we can’t laugh at ourselves, everything just gets worse.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 11, 2019, 05:19:07 PM
Helpful home cleaning tip.

 Have lots of old paint cans in the garage, half full?   Maybe some other rubbish that you would like to throw out, but don't want to go through the pain of finding a place to dispose of it?

No problem!  Save those empty "Amazon" boxes.  Then simply take the paint cans and place them in the box, tape them shut and place on your front porch.  Within a couple of days they'll be gone.  Problem solved!

Thank me later.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 11, 2019, 08:18:28 PM
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 18, 2019, 08:42:50 AM
Clintons on President's Day
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 18, 2019, 04:54:35 PM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long
legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 18, 2019, 07:20:09 PM
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mr Pou on February 19, 2019, 06:04:10 AM
"No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

I just want to know where I can get two steak dinners for $32.62??
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on February 19, 2019, 08:06:03 AM
I just want to know where I can get two steak dinners for $32.62??

Golden Corral?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mr Pou on February 19, 2019, 11:34:45 AM
Golden Corral?

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on February 21, 2019, 06:52:57 AM
 Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don’t have to do either, and couldn’t care less.
Aussies: Don’t understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits: Drink in proper pubs.
Americans: Drink in soulless bars with big TVs.
Canadians: Drink in places that look like proper British pubs from the outside but feel like soulless American bars inside.
Australians: Think none of this matters as long as beer is served.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd.
Americans: Think that all these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey and hockey
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Australians: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross their southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 22, 2019, 08:08:38 PM
 A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
 
 The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it
 protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
 
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
 
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a
 ‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very
 hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire
 Body,”
 
 The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have
 on your feet?”

 “These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must
 understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are
 also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
 
 “So tell me then,” added the boy.
 “Yes, my son…”
 
 “Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on February 22, 2019, 08:12:50 PM
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
 
 The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’ In the desert it
 protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
 
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
 
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a
 ‘djbellah.’ As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very
 hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire
 Body,”
 
 The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have
 on your feet?”

 “These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must
 understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are
 also extremely hot. These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
 
 “So tell me then,” added the boy.
 “Yes, my son…”
 
 “Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?

Why, dad, do you have a goat in the back yard when you have a wife?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Jim Logajan on February 23, 2019, 01:36:21 AM
“Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this shit?

“Mosquitoes.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:48:54 AM
I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop.

He said, "I want you to try, and sell this to me."

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called my cell phone, and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200, and it's yours."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:49:56 AM
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 24, 2019, 06:52:16 AM
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole. "Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."

The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion. "Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is." They walk up to the house and knock on the door. "Come on in," a voice in the house says. The couple open the door and enter the foyer.

The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch. When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?" "Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that." "Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return." "Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says. The genie smiles. "Consider it done." "And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks. "Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you." The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room. When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?" "31," she replies. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2019, 08:26:45 AM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 03, 2019, 06:34:21 AM
Here are the reasons why Millennials don’t ride motorcycles:

Pants won’t pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
Can’t get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
Can’t use 2 hands to eat while driving.
They don’t get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
Don’t have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
Motorcycles don’t have air conditioning.
They can’t afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated in gender studies.
They are allergic to fresh air.
Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch screen.
You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
It’s too hard to take selfies while riding.
They don’t come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
Motorcycles don’t have power steering or power brakes.
Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
They would need to upgrade before the in transit expired.
It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 03, 2019, 06:36:29 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/ir.jpg?fit=1000%2C750)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 04, 2019, 07:23:57 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/ir.jpg?fit=1000%2C750)

I actually only saw a guy reading a book. Until I came back to this post the next day.  I really need to get out more.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 04, 2019, 09:54:08 AM
I actually only saw a guy reading a book. Until I came back to this post the next day.  I really need to get out more.

You've just been married too long.   Lol!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on March 05, 2019, 03:33:04 PM
When the Democrats hold their Presidential debate I wonder what questions should be asked.  One that pops into my mind is
If I like my baby can I keep my baby?

Got other questions?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on March 05, 2019, 03:49:08 PM
When the Democrats hold their Presidential debate I wonder what questions should be asked.  One that pops into my mind is
If I like my baby can I keep my baby?

Got other questions?
This whole thread.

http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?topic=3282.0
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 06, 2019, 01:04:25 PM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 06:05:51 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2019, 06:40:11 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.

Just above the smilies, there is a box with a picture.  Click on it and you will see two "img" boxes appear.  Place your link inside.

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 06:45:48 AM
Just above the smilies, there is a box with a picture.  Click on it and you will see two "img" boxes appear.  Place your link inside.

The picture isn't a link, I upload it from my machine.  So you have to upload your pic to a website hosting it in order to put it in the body of the text?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2019, 06:52:46 AM
The picture isn't a link, I upload it from my machine.  So you have to upload your pic to a website hosting it in order to put it in the body of the text?

Appears that way.  I've never uploaded straight from my computer (I didn't know we could)



Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 07, 2019, 10:07:45 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.

Is that you Rush?

:)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 07, 2019, 10:27:00 AM
Is that you Rush?

:)

Oh hell no, I'm much sexier than that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on March 07, 2019, 04:32:28 PM
The BEST JOKE IN THE WORLD...










President Corey 'Spartacus' Booker...




and Vice President Mad Maxine Waters
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 16, 2019, 04:39:47 PM
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. They brought them in and starting running exams on their skills. They passed all with flying colors. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her.’
The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’
The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet, the door opened slowly, and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
‘Some joker loaded the gun with blanks,’ he panted. ‘I had to do it the hard way.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 16, 2019, 04:44:09 PM
Barack and Michelle are at a baseball game sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind the president. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, “Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner, who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!” So, Barack shrugs and says, “Well, if it will help my poll numbers.” He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field. She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing.

The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says “You were right. I would have never believed that!” Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies, “Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH!”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on March 18, 2019, 08:49:57 PM
Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Democrat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Cortez is considering introducing legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act  (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Kamala Harris.

“We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles
but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the
non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the Toyota plant in Georgetown, KY due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey”.

“This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Kamala Harris, Maxine Waters, Cory Booker, Bernie Sanders, Chuck Schumer, Elizabeth Warren & Nancy Pelosi........ all Americans With No Abilities whatsoever.
 
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 21, 2019, 08:05:51 PM
 A male student asked his English teacher,
“What is the definition of a dilemma?"
The professor said, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to
illustrate that.”
“Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused
naked young woman on one side and an excited gay man on the other.”



“Who are you going to turn your back on???
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 02, 2019, 03:26:44 AM
A fireman looked out the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

" Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 02, 2019, 04:17:04 AM
Still wish I could figure out how to post stills in the post.

Rush, A "friend" of mine wants her phone number.  Do you have it?  :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2019, 06:07:49 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.


He whirled around and screamed, ‘ GOOD GRIEF- WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?’
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:34:06 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/w2.jpg?w=416)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:35:23 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/t10.jpg?w=600)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 05, 2019, 08:39:05 AM
A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders’ fans.

Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Bernie Sanders fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a Bernie Sanders fan?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a conservative.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a conservative.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom’s a conservative, and my dad’s a conservative, so I’m a conservative.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “A Bernie Sanders’ fan.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on April 05, 2019, 12:33:19 PM
As good a place as any...

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1033)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 06, 2019, 05:59:58 AM
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 06, 2019, 06:00:41 AM
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.  His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’  Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend?  She’s my wife!’  They are knocked over but continue to ask. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’  ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: NippleBoy on April 06, 2019, 10:19:36 AM
Y'all be careful out there!!

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1035)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 07, 2019, 05:33:38 AM
An American and Japanese team decided to engage in a competitive boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on April 08, 2019, 03:32:42 PM
Only time Biden kept his hands to himself.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 08, 2019, 03:39:52 PM
Ever notice NO ONE has come forward and said they were sexually harassed by Hillary.

No one. Nada.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on April 08, 2019, 03:59:39 PM
Ever notice NO ONE has come forward and said they were sexually harassed by Hillary.

No one. Nada.
No one has to say it, but look at his picture:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190408/58bc8406682b7f8a32da136749f52390.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 08, 2019, 04:01:18 PM
(https://proxy.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fpics.onsizzle.com%2Fan-sammy-hagar-is-70-years-old-bill-clinton-is-29595096.png&f=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 11, 2019, 02:34:55 PM
Dominick picks up his Fiat from his mechanic Tony. Tony says, “Dominick, you gotta think about trading this car in. It seems like it’s breakin’ down every other week. I love having you as a customer but this car is costing you a fortune.”

“Yeah, but look at it,” Dominick says. “It’s starting to rust, the tires are almost bald, and it’s got like 90,000 miles on it. Nobody’s gonna give me any money for a Fiat with 90,000 miles on it.”

“Tell you what I can do,” Tony says. “This is just between you and me, but I could roll back your odometer. That way you could maybe get at least a few hundred bucks for it.”

Dominick agrees and gives Tony $20 to roll back the odometer.

Two weeks later Dominick comes by and asks Tony to top off the oil on the Fiat. Tony looks at the car and says, “I thought you was gonna trade this car in. What are ya doin’ still driving it??”

“Trade it in??” says Dominick. “Are you nuts? This car’s only got 30,000 miles on it!”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 12, 2019, 11:58:41 AM


Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 12, 2019, 12:00:11 PM
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on April 15, 2019, 02:02:15 PM
Too real to be a joke but....
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on April 15, 2019, 03:04:09 PM
Me on April 15th:

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190415/77ccc004b722144a027fee6af718677a.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on April 15, 2019, 06:42:58 PM
My Roomba escaped

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1041)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 26, 2019, 05:25:02 PM
Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! *Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”

The Jewish samurai, Yoku Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoosh! flourished his sword mightily, but the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that?? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead,” replied Cohen in contempt. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes real skill.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 28, 2019, 01:11:07 PM
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 03, 2019, 09:38:25 AM
1 – Eleven teens die each day because of texting while driving. Maybe it’s time to raise the age of Smart Phone ownership to 21.

2 – If gun control laws actually worked, Chicago would be Mayberry, USA.

3 – The Second Amendment makes more women equal than the entire feminist movement.

4 – Legal gun owners have 300 million guns and probably a trillion rounds of ammo. Seriously, folks, if we were the problem, you’d know it.

5 – When JFK was killed, nobody blamed the rifle.

6 – The NRA murders 0 people and receives $0 in government funds. Planned Parenthood kills 350,000 babies every year and receives $500,000,000 in tax dollars annually.

7 – I have no problem with vigorous background checks when it comes to firearms. While we’re at it, let’s do the same when it comes to immigration, Voter I.D, and Candidates running for office.

8 – You don’t need a smoke detector; that’s what the fire department is for. Now…if you think that sounds stupid, you know how I feel when you say I don’t need a gun.

9 – Folks keep talking about another Civil War. One side knows how to shoot and probably has a trillion bullets. The other side has crying closets and is confused about which bathroom to use. Now tell me, how do you think that’s going to end?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 05, 2019, 05:28:42 AM

An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:


"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: asechrest on May 05, 2019, 09:52:34 AM
My Roomba escaped

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1041)

The best joke is always in the comments!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on May 09, 2019, 02:25:46 PM
Orange is the new democrat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm2QByefy8o&t=133s
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 10, 2019, 06:20:48 AM
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e500ecd26fe4ef04b691c71c953da25dcaccfe340dd56687262024aa0e78c599.jpg?w=800&h=750)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on May 10, 2019, 07:33:34 AM
Chardonnay woman bad!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 10, 2019, 11:37:00 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/1.jpg?w=480)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 30, 2019, 05:49:28 PM
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on May 31, 2019, 05:40:18 AM
(https://www.whatfinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/05/trump-300x200.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:10:31 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/w2.jpg?resize=768%2C796)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:22:22 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/t8.jpg?w=600)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:22:51 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/t9.jpg?w=600)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 06:25:48 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/jules.gif?w=1000)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 08, 2019, 08:02:34 PM
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 09, 2019, 06:10:35 AM
(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1011f54a9b611d879804c34e92cb446f8e1420f78d0e175aa233f233c71b0137.gif?w=800&h=450)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mase on June 09, 2019, 02:00:21 PM
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/v2/800x600q90/921/2Xhpky.png)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:19:42 PM
(https://www.whatfinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/nobelbullshitartist.png)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:20:26 PM
(https://www.whatfinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/image036-249x300.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 10, 2019, 05:24:45 PM
(https://www.whatfinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Trump-Twilight-Zone-259x300.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 14, 2019, 08:27:15 AM
(https://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sbr061319dAPR20190613014508.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on June 20, 2019, 04:22:01 PM
 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. er eyes were closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

When he asked her if she was okay, Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour, at least it seemed that way to her.  It actually had been 15 minutes. She blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
 
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
From the back seat a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
 
Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on June 20, 2019, 05:14:16 PM
A work buddy of mine asked me to help him move some heavy furniture,

He was getting his own place because was getting a divorce.

When we were at his house his ex wife was there, she was friendly seemed pretty pleasant about the whole thing.

When we left his house I asked him why he was getting a divorce.

He said because he likes his women the same way he likes his coffee... not full of dicks...
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mase on June 20, 2019, 06:53:40 PM
.................................................
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 22, 2019, 06:12:10 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/t6-2.jpg?w=600)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on June 30, 2019, 06:39:43 AM
One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense, and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…and what’s the use of that vintage hot rod?”

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Dick replied, “I wasn’t…”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: NippleBoy on July 03, 2019, 06:45:44 AM
Didn't really know where to put this thought, and didn't want to create a new thread, so I decided to just post it here...

I just spend the last few minutes reading etsisk's facebook page. I think I'm liberaled out for the next 10 years or so.

Oh, I've had my fill of cat videos as well.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 03, 2019, 02:34:44 PM
(https://www.whatfinger.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/oprah.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on July 03, 2019, 02:55:09 PM
^^^^Oprah is da debil!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on July 07, 2019, 02:25:49 PM


New Mexico Chili Cook off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico ..


Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.


For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the  Santa Fe  Plaza .  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from  Springfield, IL .


 


Frank:  “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off..  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”


 


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


 


 

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.


 


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


 


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


 


CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb.  Woman is starting to look HOT ....  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?


 


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.


 


CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


 


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


 


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 13, 2019, 06:22:01 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/n20.jpg?w=740)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on July 13, 2019, 10:41:28 AM
Don't know if this is a joke or not but it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0nZ1mDUOg8&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1RlGClcyyWnQ-Uk3-NRQn6SILl2xuJiQ3ClZ0Nw5RcnWouTukwnab7vfQ
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on July 13, 2019, 01:39:50 PM
Don't know if this is a joke or not but it is funny.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0nZ1mDUOg8&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1RlGClcyyWnQ-Uk3-NRQn6SILl2xuJiQ3ClZ0Nw5RcnWouTukwnab7vfQ

Yep it’s churning just east of me.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:04:33 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/f12-1.jpeg?resize=768%2C585)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:05:10 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/f9-1.jpg?w=480)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:05:39 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/f5-1.jpg?w=465)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on July 26, 2019, 01:10:19 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/t11-1.jpg?w=600)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on August 02, 2019, 06:13:44 AM
bump to get the spammers off the front page
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on August 08, 2019, 06:31:35 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/VNNsvIa.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on August 09, 2019, 11:46:06 AM
THE NEW  ANT and the Grasshopper
This one is a little different.
Two Different Versions …   Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
 The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself

MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper  thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper  calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving..
 CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to  provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. 
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog   appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’

Occupy the Anthill stages  a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the Black Lives Matter group singing, We shall overcome.

Then Reverend Al Sharpton has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper while he damns the ants. He later appears on MSNBC to complain that rich people do not care.
Former President Obama condemns the ant and blames Donald Trump, President Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.
 

Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer exclaim in an interview on The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant leaving him nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez  and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.
 The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on August 09, 2019, 12:10:47 PM
I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on August 09, 2019, 12:15:37 PM
I thought this was supposed to be a joke thread.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, “The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.She replies,
“The bigger they are, the dumber the man is”.

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
“Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets”.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on August 11, 2019, 06:30:58 PM
 Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By August 22, 2019


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step - with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

 

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Walmart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

 

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

 

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During Programming
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

 

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

 

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

 

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

 

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thurs beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

Pending availability of qualified faculty, there may be another class added: Are 20 pillows on 1 bed really necessary? Group discussion!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on August 12, 2019, 03:28:22 AM
they forgot the class on how to go to the Ladies room alone.   


or is that a graduate-level course?

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on August 29, 2019, 06:09:01 PM
(http://clubsearay.com/index.php?attachments/wal-mart-bingo-jpg.74393/)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on September 22, 2019, 06:37:14 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-17-at-2.15.55-PM.png?resize=600%2C520&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on September 22, 2019, 06:43:39 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-16-at-8.16.44-PM.png?resize=600%2C448&ssl=1)

(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-19-at-10.38.06-AM.png?resize=446%2C600&ssl=1)

(https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-18-at-8.59.19-PM.png?resize=457%2C600&ssl=1)

(https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/09/Screen-Shot-2019-09-16-at-8.15.50-PM.png?resize=600%2C377&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on October 18, 2019, 02:48:38 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/a-white15-5.jpg?w=580)

(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/a-white7.jpg?w=458)

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on October 20, 2019, 07:15:42 AM
Really happened: A friend’s husband has to have surgery for a benign growth in his brain. The doctor told them that sometimes a personality change occurs after the surgery.

My friend’s husband told her, “If I turn into a liberal, just turn me loose up in Goat Rocks.”

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: EppyGA on October 20, 2019, 05:24:33 PM
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
 The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
 Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
 OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
 "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
 sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
 "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on October 21, 2019, 07:59:17 PM
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on October 27, 2019, 06:15:18 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/10/70355737_2628192983910072_6771809750884548608_n.jpg?resize=488%2C600&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on October 27, 2019, 06:17:05 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/10/Screen-Shot-2019-10-20-at-2.29.05-PM.png?resize=600%2C600&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on November 07, 2019, 01:00:34 PM
A man was in the hospital dying.  His family, half liberal and half conservative, was in the room with the doctor.  The doctor explained that his brain was dead but there were replacements available.  A Democrat brain was available for $100,000 and a Republican brain cost $1,000.  The liberals were so smug that a Dim brain was worth so much.  The conservatives asked why the price difference.  The doctor replied the Democrat brain had never been used.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on November 08, 2019, 07:44:14 PM
Not to offend anybody, but....🙄
It Snowed Last Night..
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on November 09, 2019, 06:30:43 AM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on November 09, 2019, 07:39:25 AM



I Don't Care Who You Are.... That There Was FUNNY!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on November 09, 2019, 09:21:07 AM

I Don't Care Who You Are.... That There Was FUNNY!

I did not see that coming.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on November 11, 2019, 06:58:39 AM
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border." May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.


"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure buddy, I hear that every day No ID, no entry," said the agent.


"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Donald Trump tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other???


"This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind."


By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.


"Have a safe trip back to Chicago."



"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago?


"The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on November 13, 2019, 12:38:40 PM


https://www.gocomics.com/closetohome/2019/11/13

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on November 15, 2019, 10:11:56 AM
(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on November 15, 2019, 10:47:16 AM
 (http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1244)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on November 15, 2019, 01:56:32 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1244)

Is that a joke, or the most current affairs and news?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on November 16, 2019, 11:40:17 AM
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on November 17, 2019, 11:34:57 AM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on November 22, 2019, 09:03:31 AM
So, Tesla has announced their new model Y.

That means their car models are now

S
3
X
Y
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Little Joe on November 22, 2019, 09:33:01 AM
So, Tesla has announced their new model Y.

That means their car models are now

S
3
X
Y
Which was their well known plan all along.  Actuallly, the "3" was originally supposed to be an "E".  I"m not sure why he chickened out of that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on November 22, 2019, 02:13:58 PM
3 is "leetspeak" for E
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on November 22, 2019, 03:26:25 PM
3 is "leetspeak" for E

w0rd
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2019, 08:10:23 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/me8.png?w=600&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on November 23, 2019, 02:50:18 PM
 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.

“I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mase on November 26, 2019, 03:08:35 PM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on November 26, 2019, 06:11:42 PM


Guaranteed to make kristen cry and steingar lose his already insane mind.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on November 27, 2019, 08:00:07 AM
.(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on November 27, 2019, 08:01:15 AM
.(http://)

That’s gonna leave a mark.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on November 29, 2019, 11:06:35 AM
Subject: Will I Live to see 80?

(Here's something to think about.)

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy Five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on November 29, 2019, 01:17:19 PM
Anyone have this problem?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on November 29, 2019, 01:55:59 PM
Anyone have this problem?

Ironically that looks like some of the houses around here (Port Neches TPC explosion).  It's been an "interesting" Thanksgiving.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on December 05, 2019, 08:10:01 PM
Troll level: Master


https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=mr+clinton+kildepstein&qs=n&sp=-1&pq=mr+clinton+kildepstein&sc=0-22&sk=&cvid=BB882D06A7D04D01919E4A9DD0FE6DB8&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3dmr%2bclinton%2bkildepstein%26qs%3dn%26form%3dQBLH%26sp%3d-1%26pq%3dmr%2bclinton%2bkildepstein%26sc%3d0-22%26sk%3d%26cvid%3dBB882D06A7D04D01919E4A9DD0FE6DB8&view=detail&mmscn=vwrc&mid=25B32FA98B1A72D33EDE25B32FA98B1A72D33EDE&FORM=WRVORC
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 06, 2019, 03:17:37 PM
(http://clubsearay.com/index.php?attachments/clinton-bill-on-impeachment-jpg.77143/)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 06, 2019, 03:20:45 PM
A preacher was traveling and stopped at a motel for the night. As he was signing the registration form he said to the clerk, "I would like for the porn channels available on my tv to be disabled ".
The clerk gave him a disgusted look and said, "We only have regular porn, sicko".
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on December 07, 2019, 03:38:38 PM
Did you hear the Jim Jones joke? Never mind, the punchline is too long.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 07, 2019, 06:12:32 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2019/11/78358258_2408734789235973_5613190035856687104_o.jpg?w=702&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on December 11, 2019, 02:05:29 PM
Yepper
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on December 15, 2019, 08:25:57 PM
Interesting Ad.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:39:14 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tb36.jpg?w=642&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:40:16 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tb42.png?resize=978%2C1024&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:41:05 PM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tb8.jpg?w=789&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:47:10 PM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/a-wen19.png?w=560&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:49:14 PM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:53:04 PM
Two guys grow up together. After college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other. At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

“Where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Again?  Why?”

“They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games.”

“OK.”

At age 52 they meet and play again.

“So where you wanna go for lunch?”

“Hooters.

“Why?”

“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”

“OK.”

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, “Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”

“Good choice”

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”

“Great choice.”

At age 82 they meet and play again.  “Where should we go for lunch?”

“Hooters.”

“Why?”

“Because we’ve never been there before.”

“Okay, let’s give it a try.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on December 20, 2019, 06:58:23 PM
A Kodak Moment

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’       
     
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’           
     
    ‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’       
     
    ‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’           
     
    ‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.   
     
    After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’     
     
    ‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’     
     
    ‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’       
     
    ‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’           
     
    ‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith..     
    ‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’       
     
    ‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.     

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
    ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said. 
     
    ‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
     
    ‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
     
    ‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.     
    ‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
     
    ‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
     
    ‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’ 
     
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
     
    ‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
     
    ‘Tripod?’     
    ‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for long.’

    Mrs. Smith fainted
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on December 22, 2019, 11:40:37 AM
Merry Christmas.

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1281)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 01, 2020, 06:44:11 PM
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PO-wq8a3lMI/XgeKAPtFE1I/AAAAAAAAJiE/nlJ5xD_XkSI4i3ApM-STJ_ERruPJyRuDACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/millennia%2Bsins%2B7.png)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 01, 2020, 06:44:48 PM
(https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-aNYkvh8mpVU/XgeJt6IDEpI/AAAAAAAAJhs/iYBjhUB-aAoUFRvhdfZOACQfOGQiaMaPACLcBGAsYHQ/s640/woke.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Mase on January 13, 2020, 10:19:42 PM
................................................
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 17, 2020, 06:54:53 AM
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on January 23, 2020, 08:38:56 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/DfTM2I2.jpg?fbclid=IwAR2tbFe7o_Yj7s0UotERxlVYxCOwxQieon15Dnc0BDrEtmXE7apU7N1e2Hk)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:15:08 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/tb44-1.png?w=960&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:17:04 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/me54.jpg?w=826&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 05:17:45 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/me46.jpg?w=552&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: EppyGA on January 24, 2020, 06:36:55 AM
Adam Schiff
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on January 24, 2020, 07:05:58 AM
Adam Schiff

Even worse of a joke, the way MSM reported on him. Wow, one of the best most profound elegant speeches ever made!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Little Joe on January 24, 2020, 07:33:04 AM
Even worse of a joke, the way MSM reported on him. Wow, one of the best most profound elegant speeches ever made!
I was listening to CNN in my car yesterday and I heard something that I never thought I'd hear on that station.  I wish I knew who it was talking.

He said (paraphrasing) that when he was listening to Schiff, he was shaking his head up and down and agreeing with him.  But then when he heard the Rs rebutting him, he said he thought to himself;  wow, they have a good point too.  So it is easy to go back and forth if you have an open mind.

I'd like to know who he was because I can't believe CNN will allow someone with an open mind back on their show.
(sorry, this wasn't a joke).
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 24, 2020, 09:10:03 AM
    President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”

    Cashier:
    “It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”

    Obama:
    “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am former President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”

    Cashier:
    “Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”

    Obama:
    “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”

    Cashier:
    “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

    Obama:
    “I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”

    Cashier:
    “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
    “Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
    So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

    Obama:
    Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”

    Cashier:
    “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on January 24, 2020, 10:18:59 AM
I was listening to CNN in my car yesterday and I heard something that I never thought I'd hear on that station.  I wish I knew who it was talking.

He said (paraphrasing) that when he was listening to Schiff, he was shaking his head up and down and agreeing with him.  But then when he heard the Rs rebutting him, he said he thought to himself;  wow, they have a good point too.  So it is easy to go back and forth if you have an open mind.

I'd like to know who he was because I can't believe CNN will allow someone with an open mind back on their show.
(sorry, this wasn't a joke).

Wow!  You were probably having an auditory hallucination.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on January 24, 2020, 11:27:51 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200124/3531186e3d7d5f9bbe54dbb5dd477b95.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on January 25, 2020, 08:56:23 AM
I reposted the Kung Flu meme to several places and just came back here to post it.  Then I realized that this is where I got it from.

Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on January 25, 2020, 09:15:34 AM
Just drink Green Tea, and eat it lots of Kale, and Quinoa.      ::)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on January 25, 2020, 12:12:24 PM
I reposted the Kung Flu meme to several places and just came back here to post it.  Then I realized that this is where I got it from.

Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.

 :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Little Joe on January 25, 2020, 01:05:10 PM
I reposted the Kung Flu meme to several places and just came back here to post it.  Then I realized that this is where I got it from.

Ignore me, I'll be in the corner looking for my marbles.
You will have to examine those marbles closely to make sure they are yours.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on January 25, 2020, 06:49:24 PM
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”


Don’t mess with old people!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 14, 2020, 06:06:33 PM
    A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

    She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

    She said, “Excuse me, sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

    He said, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you’ll drop it on the counter,

    I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

    She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He said, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and

    10-LB. test line.  It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

    She said, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

    I’ll take it!”

    As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    “Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he said.

    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.  At first she is really embarrassed,

    but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.

    Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and said, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

    The woman is totally confused by this and asked,

    “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00?  How did you get $34.50?”

    He replied, “Yes, Ma’am.

    The rod and reel is $20.00,

    but the Duck Call is $11.00 and

    the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”


    She paid the bill.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on February 16, 2020, 10:20:16 AM
.(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 17, 2020, 09:47:09 AM
Happy President's Day!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 20, 2020, 01:27:56 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/www.citizenfreepress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/transgender.jpg?resize=705%2C644&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2020, 07:44:24 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/a-inf56.jpg?w=578&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on February 21, 2020, 08:03:32 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gif17.gif?w=1000)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on February 23, 2020, 11:57:01 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0I4vTHz9dw&feature=share&fbclid=IwAR0Xiq01eM3jRnY0asl1BZAIYgXwsvKB-NFWtoL3LGABYlWchudtsyv-dmk
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on February 27, 2020, 08:04:50 PM
Today at DisneyWorld, a boat in the Jungle Cruise ride sank in the middle of the ride.

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Username on February 28, 2020, 07:57:47 AM
Today at DisneyWorld, a boat in the Jungle Cruise ride sank in the middle of the ride.
Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games
We got everything you want honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey we got your disease
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 02, 2020, 07:38:18 AM
.(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2020, 07:44:47 AM
^^^^ That is wonderful.

They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 02, 2020, 08:05:19 AM
^^^^ That is wonderful.

They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”

Also, make another note.  We have to amend the Hot/Crazy chick graph (matrix) to include Vegan chicks with the Strippers, and Hair Dressers.  I guess Vegans will be next for me. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: nddons on March 02, 2020, 05:47:04 PM
^^^^ That is wonderful.

They need to add one more animal to the far left: man, and the line needs to say, “crashed on a snowy mountaintop.”
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rsmd7
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 02, 2020, 06:55:56 PM
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rsmd7

LOVE it!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 02, 2020, 07:17:58 PM
Well I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 03, 2020, 06:47:24 AM
(https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89229217_10159330802242786_1727168785384734720_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=2MH5kRDAKYQAX-eXfqF&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=b29820e088b5d255ac8c50c527572db6&oe=5E961015)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: YouOnlyLiveTwice on March 03, 2020, 10:17:02 AM
Well I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 03, 2020, 10:38:13 AM
^^^^^LOL!  Yeah, that's what I wasn't expecting.   :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 03, 2020, 05:49:20 PM
I like this version better.


Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 07, 2020, 07:14:59 AM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/tb63.jpg?w=850&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 06:31:56 AM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/a-fel22.jpg?resize=686%2C1024&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on March 08, 2020, 07:40:30 AM
Does this apply to anyone here?  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 08, 2020, 07:52:00 AM
But are they real?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 08, 2020, 08:01:18 AM
But are they real?

They're real if you can touch them and see them.  I would probably return to church if she was in attendance.  I may catch fire, but it would be worth it. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 08, 2020, 08:12:18 AM
But are they real?

At her age, with the way they are pointing, are certainly real.



I will add that they are real dangerous. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 08, 2020, 08:15:46 AM
.(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 11:00:02 AM
Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.



Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 08, 2020, 11:03:53 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Becky on March 11, 2020, 01:25:41 AM
https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-walks-back-comments-about-being-responsible-for-the-stock-market

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—From his seaside mansion, former president Barack Obama announced today that he is formally passing ownership of the stock market and economy on to President Trump.

"All the gains were mine -- Trump didn't build that -- but this crash is all on Trump," Obama said as he admired the ocean, which will consume his home in fewer than twelve years. "My responsibility for the great economic gains in this country ended the moment the stocks started to tank this morning."

The former president said that he does reserve the right to reverse his stance and reclaim credit for any economic gains realized after the market turns around, whenever that may be.

"As soon as this thing stabilizes, I'll be there, claiming credit for things I didn't do."

Obama also assured panicked Americans that if they like their economy, they can keep their economy.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 04:02:03 AM
https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-walks-back-comments-about-being-responsible-for-the-stock-market

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA—From his seaside mansion, former president Barack Obama announced today that he is formally passing ownership of the stock market and economy on to President Trump.

"All the gains were mine -- Trump didn't build that -- but this crash is all on Trump," Obama said as he admired the ocean, which will consume his home in fewer than twelve years. "My responsibility for the great economic gains in this country ended the moment the stocks started to tank this morning."

The former president said that he does reserve the right to reverse his stance and reclaim credit for any economic gains realized after the market turns around, whenever that may be.

"As soon as this thing stabilizes, I'll be there, claiming credit for things I didn't do."

Obama also assured panicked Americans that if they like their economy, they can keep their economy.

As for the tanking economy, I’m getting ready to send $thousands of the cash I have lying around to my broker today to ask him to buy buy buy. I’m pretty risk averse too, so take that to indicate my confidence in Trump’s economy.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 11, 2020, 04:23:55 AM
As for the tanking economy, I’m getting ready to send $thousands of the cash I have lying around to my broker today to ask him to buy buy buy. I’m pretty risk averse too, so take that to indicate my confidence in Trump’s economy.

Markets always over sell due to emotion, and we are getting to that point, so I would take that bet also.  The Virus is temporary and the oil trade war between Russia and Saudi is temporary.  In a few weeks China will be back cranking at full capacity and the demand for oil will go back to where it was. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: EppyGA on March 11, 2020, 04:39:00 AM
Gotta love the Bee!!
It has been interesting to watch the market, up a thousand, down a thousand, rinse, repeat.  Futures are down right now.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 05:12:55 AM
Markets always over sell due to emotion, and we are getting to that point, so I would take that bet also.  The Virus is temporary and the oil trade war between Russia and Saudi is temporary.  In a few weeks China will be back cranking at full capacity and the demand for oil will go back to where it was.

Egggzactly!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 11, 2020, 11:28:07 AM
The man comes to his doctor and tells
him that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells Stormy to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband any more.

The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’. When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’. So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 11, 2020, 11:29:39 AM
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama


Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 11, 2020, 11:38:18 AM
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meet the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son,
Anthony
A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mama


Moral:
Never Bulla Shita you Mama

^^^^^How do you know all this about my life, and why are you spying on me?  ???!!!!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 11, 2020, 12:27:44 PM
^^^^^How do you know all this about my life, and why are you spying on me?  ???!!!!!

That represents a lot of us. Our kids must have been in their late 20s before we admitted to them we had moved in together before our wedding, if we even have yet.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on March 13, 2020, 01:59:39 PM
It's time for a run!
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: EppyGA on March 14, 2020, 10:27:30 AM
I’ve just been to Wal Mart.  Honestly, it was shocking.  No toilet paper at all.  Reluctant, but desperate, I walked to the customer service counter and asked if they had any.  The lady gave me a disgusted look and an emphatic “NO” in response. 
 Walking back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles is something I hope I never have to do again. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 14, 2020, 10:31:46 AM
(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 14, 2020, 04:50:59 PM
(https://www.bing.com/images/blob?bcid=SCHcy-MWmxQBMw)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 15, 2020, 08:41:10 AM
.(http://)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 15, 2020, 11:16:43 AM
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.



Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 15, 2020, 02:09:39 PM
.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Hawk25 on March 19, 2020, 09:18:13 AM
Working from home
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 25, 2020, 04:10:31 PM
How do I make the picture full size?

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1377;image)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 25, 2020, 04:52:43 PM
How do I make the picture full size?

Are you uploading from your computer or are you copying from a website?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 26, 2020, 05:47:28 AM
My computer.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on March 26, 2020, 05:57:16 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1379)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on March 26, 2020, 06:00:55 AM
How do I make the picture full size?

What I do is post the picture, copy the link of the full image, then edit the post and paste the link inside img tags (2nd row of buttons, first button).
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 26, 2020, 03:11:25 PM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1381;image).
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 27, 2020, 05:41:06 AM
A Virgin Bride On Her 4th Wedding
 
 
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
 
"Of course, madam,"replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
 
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the
first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
 
"WELL! "replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,  "I can assure you that a white gown
would be quite appropriate.  Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
 
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown
congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
 
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel
that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
 
"What about your third husband?"
 
"That one was a Democrat", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed
and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 27, 2020, 04:30:33 PM
Too soon?





(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1384;image)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on March 27, 2020, 04:47:14 PM
Too soon?

yup
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on March 27, 2020, 07:17:27 PM
Too soon?

(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1384;image)

Well I have no class, so that is fine for me.   ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 28, 2020, 09:05:52 AM
(http://www.pilotspin.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3180.0;attach=1386;image).
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: jb1842 on March 28, 2020, 11:47:58 AM
Well I have no class, so that is fine for me.   ;D

Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.

Yes, I am probably going to hell
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on March 28, 2020, 12:28:08 PM
Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.

Yes, I am probably going to hell

 Bring a six pack and some pizzas when you do...
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on March 28, 2020, 02:20:35 PM
Dark humor is like food in a German concentration camp. Not everybody gets it.

Yes, I am probably going to hell

I appreciate extremely dark humor. Sometimes in secret, between myself and one other person, at a funeral or something. Where only we two "get it" because only we two knew him that closely. And he would have found it hilarious too.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on March 28, 2020, 02:20:48 PM
Bring a six pack and some pizzas when you do...

pizza, who knew pizza would be so popular...
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on March 29, 2020, 10:41:53 AM
stolen from the interweb

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on March 29, 2020, 12:19:21 PM
(https://texaschlforum.com/download/file.php?id=10178)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: EppyGA on March 29, 2020, 02:08:50 PM
For aviation content....

Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on April 01, 2020, 04:49:47 PM


Great job getting around YouTube's robot censors.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: YouOnlyLiveTwice on April 01, 2020, 05:35:39 PM
I have a love/hate relationship with YT. 

Also, I need to change my deadbolts out for something less penetrable.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on April 02, 2020, 04:51:24 AM
I have a love/hate relationship with YT. 

Also, I need to change my deadbolts out for something less penetrable.

Youtube has become tyrannical. You can’t say the word “rape” or “cocaine” or “heroin” or even “SJW” or they restrict you or demonetize you. They are out and out censoring political views too. But you can find so much on yt like clips of old movies or shows or videos of how to do stuff, I have love/hate with it too.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: bflynn on April 02, 2020, 06:55:28 AM
Spoiler.  He wasn't really talking about locks.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Bob Noel on April 02, 2020, 06:56:51 AM
Spoiler.  He wasn't really talking about locks.

Are you a turtle?
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 07:07:33 AM
The Queen asked British auto makers to make respirators.

Apologizing they said they could not do it.

They can not figure out how to make a respirator leak oil..
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 02, 2020, 07:11:54 AM
The Queen asked British auto makers to make respirators.

Apologizing they said they could not do it.

They can not figure out how to make a respirator leak oil..

Couldn't get the electrical systems right either.  I had two MG's years ago.  One wouldn't run when it rained, the other one would ONLY run when it rained, so I was able to get around.    ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 03:14:00 PM
During the Coronavirus lock down a man was looking for his buddy next door. He asked the man's wife where her husband was. She said he's out in the garden. He told her he already looked out there. She said "Dig a little deeper."
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on April 02, 2020, 04:31:53 PM
(https://texashuntingforum.com/forum/pics/userpics/2020/04/full-25466-224390-kiccecpt.jpeg).
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:50:23 PM
(https://i1.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/me8.jpg?w=521&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:50:52 PM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/me10.jpg?w=720&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 03, 2020, 04:53:22 PM
(https://i0.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/me16.jpg?w=960&ssl=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Number7 on April 04, 2020, 07:00:04 AM
(https://scontent.ftpf1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92189727_10215382449106752_4097645593499795456_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=WKdueZrYIHYAX9pVjZa&_nc_ht=scontent.ftpf1-2.fna&oh=01d01877543944b277d52f7c8355344e&oe=5EACF1B3)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:06:14 AM
(https://i2.wp.com/hardnoxandfriends.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/me10.jpg?w=720&ssl=1)

Ahhhhhh!!!!   Web Hubbel's daughter has the worst of both! 
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 04, 2020, 07:12:22 AM
Ahhhhhh!!!!   Web Hubbel's daughter has the worst of both!

 She is a spot on ringer for old Web, isn't she?

(https://i.imgur.com/No2tLN1.jpeg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:26:56 AM
She is a spot on ringer for old Web, isn't she?

(https://i.imgur.com/No2tLN1.jpeg)

Ugh.  We need to balance this out with some good looking "women". 

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b9/98/79/b99879849e9621977ccce1671cd37907.jpg)

Better now?   ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Little Joe on April 04, 2020, 07:35:20 AM
I still hate you.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 07:40:48 AM
I still hate you.

OK, just for you!  :)

(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8c/a0/6d/8ca06d835ff2e5e282599a0b40bdec1f.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Little Joe on April 04, 2020, 08:26:43 AM
Much better.  I have been wanting to see a picture of Rush.
Thanks.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 09:16:15 AM
Much better.  I have been wanting to see a picture of Rush.
Thanks.

This is Rush.

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c6/c5/6c/c6c56c4a896d72d896d4d12daf982b72.jpg)

Or this.  You decide.

(https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.jGvqkfhZyYPTYWuSMamhAAHaEK&pid=Api&rs=1)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Lucifer on April 04, 2020, 09:23:20 AM
For Joe

(https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201675f7d2e9f970b-pi)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 04, 2020, 09:29:35 AM
For Joe

(https://peacemoonbeam.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451af9f69e201675f7d2e9f970b-pi)

Also for Joe.

(https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.KkzHh1LTtxNCOai6A4KSQwHaE8&pid=Api&rs=1)

(https://img.thedailybeast.com/image/upload/v1492785677/articles/2013/04/29/barbara-boxer-s-biased-bill/boxer-letter-openz_g6opsh.jpg)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Rush on April 05, 2020, 01:43:56 AM
3 something a.m. and can’t sleep as usual these days. And these are making me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: Anthony on April 05, 2020, 02:44:40 AM
3 something a.m. and can’t sleep as usual these days. And these are making me laugh. Thanks, I needed that.

Well I am usually up early, but this is a bit early even for me.  :)
Title: Re: Joke Thread: Post 'em if ya got 'em
Post by: texasag93 on April 05, 2020, 08:15:38 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/zfGSRwJ6/What-s-for-Dinner.jpg)