A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

"I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on TV with the vibrator vibrating away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied........
"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Halloween Party. Jack is not normally a drink, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling he wondered if he did something wrong.

Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them is a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he looks in the mirror and sees a black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone I'm married!!"

Broken coffee table - $239.00, hot breakfast - $4.20, two aspirin - .38; saying the right thing at the right time - PRICELESS!!!!

I consider a gun without a round chambered to be unloaded.

The gun is unloaded. 

The magazine may be loaded or not.  The magazine may not even be in the gun.

I keep all of my guns loaded.  I know to keep the booger picker off of the bang switch until the appropriate time.   

Oh, I totally agree a REAL threat was there.

MAD kept everyone in check. 

We finally won the economic war.  We broke them (financially), or we made them go broke.  Chose your vernacular. 

Isn't Texas the land of Steers and Queers?

They all go to the University of Texas.  Helps us identify them more easily.

How do I make the picture full size?