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Topics - Bamaflyer

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16
Spin Zone / Liberal Dies On Toilet While Awaiting CDC Guidance
« on: August 26, 2023, 12:56:05 PM »
Liberal Dies On Toilet While Awaiting CDC Guidance On How To Wipe
HEALTH
·
Aug 26, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
Article Image
SEATTLE, WA — Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.

"I kept telling him to just go for it," said housemate Ronald Mills. "Jonathan just wouldn't take the risk."

Officials say Mr. Seymour became severely dehydrated as he refused to move from the toilet for either food or water. "What am I supposed to do??" cried Mr. Seymour, desperate for guidance. "I can't to do this alone! Front to back? Back to front? Folded or unfolded? How many squares? Speak to me, Fauci!"

Sadly, bereft of instruction from the CDC, Mr. Seymour remained on the commode until his untimely passing. "It's really tragic," said Mr. Mills. "No one should ever die because they don't know how to wipe. I promise you this, I will not rest until the CDC issues guidance on how a person is supposed to wipe their butt. If I can save just one person from dying on the toilet, it feels like Jonathan's death will have meant something."

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🔥 Tablet Magazine ran an impressive article back in March that is worth a re-mention, if you are looking for something solid to read this weekend. At 48 printed pages, it’s more like a small book, but it is outstanding. The long-form article, which includes a table of contents after an 8-page introduction, is headlined, “A Guide to Understanding the Hoax of the Century (Thirteen Ways of Looking at Disinformation).”

The article goes into great detail about how U.S. intelligence agency termites have hollowed out Establishment Media, making them wholly-owned fascist subsidiaries of the United States government, bent on one laser-focused, teensy-weensy objective: total world political domination:

The American press, once the guardian of democracy, was hollowed out to the point that it could be worn like a hand puppet by the U.S. security agencies and party operatives… If the underlying philosophy of the war against disinformation can be expressed in a single claim, it is this: You cannot be trusted with your own mind.

Well. Some people shouldn’t be trusted with their own minds. Such as a lot of county health directors. But I digress.

As I said, the article is a big bite, and a lot of folks will be put off by its length. But it is exceptionally well-written, and jam-packed with evidence and compelling logic. In case you don’t have time, bookmark it for later, and read this paragraph from the introduction, which will give you a good idea of the piece’s perspective:

https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/news/articles/guide-understanding-hoax-century-thirteen-ways-looking-disinformation?fbclid=IwAR3-OGUmy78l-2jMA-LHmND60_72vyv9sz7hyOKGcsBwck-7bSI092Tm9IQ

18
Spin Zone / “The Hood Is Waking Up!” – Blacks Cheer Trump
« on: August 25, 2023, 06:50:40 PM »
“The Hood Is Waking Up!” – Blacks Cheer Trump After Arrest – Trump Support from Black Community Climbs to 20% Support in Latest Poll

https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2023/08/hood-is-waking-up-blacks-cheer-trump-after/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=hood-is-waking-up-blacks-cheer-trump-after

19
Spin Zone / Leaving San Francisco
« on: August 25, 2023, 03:00:21 PM »
Robbers Announce They Will Have To Leave San Francisco Because Everything’s Been Robbed
SAN FRANCISCO, CA —

Disgruntled robbers in the Bay Area began to consider the option of packing up shop and relocating to another city, citing the fact that everything in San Francisco has already been robbed.

"What are we supposed to do here?" asked renowned thief Scooter Lopez. "After we've already robbed every home, office, store, and restaurant in the city, what's left? Are we supposed to start robbing the stuff we robbed from other robbers? Nah, I'm not down with that. We need to just pack up and move to a different city."

After officials announced many crimes would no longer be prosecuted, the criminal population engaged in an ongoing festival of lawlessness, eventually leading to everything of value being completely cleaned out of every business and residence in town. "They took all the money," said one longtime San Francisco resident. "They took all the TVs. They took all the jewelry, laptops, and SUVs! And now they're all gone, as quick as a flash, and everyone here has lost all their cash!"

The robbers had resigned themselves to finding new frontiers to pillage and plunder. "We have to find new places to hit," Lopez said. "But it's got to be a city in a blue state. We can't try this in a small town, or we'd be dead."

At publishing time, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi was petitioning for more federal money so the city could be restocked and she wouldn't lose a large chunk of her voting base by having all the criminals leave town.

20
Spin Zone / Survey: Number 1 Quality Men Look For In A Wife
« on: August 14, 2023, 07:06:25 PM »
Survey: Number 1 Quality Men Look For In A Wife Is A Woman Who Will Fight Off Invisible Lizard People On The Plane Who Aren't Real


 Aug 14, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
U.S. — A new survey of single men has found that the number one qualification they look for in a wife is "someone who will shout at and fight off the invisible lizard people on the plane who aren't real," sources confirmed Monday.

While qualities like "a good homemaker" and "a strong personality" also ranked high on men's list of good characteristics of a potential mate, the number one thing they look for, by far, appears to be "the ability and willingness to absolutely freak out when a demon-lizard appears on a flight and we're all about to die."

"Yeah, I mean, looks, personality, and future parenting skills are all a plus, obviously," said one respondent to the survey. "But honestly, the number one thing I'm out there scopin' out is whether or not she'll just go absolutely bananas on an airplane when no one else is willing to point out the not-real demonic entity on an airplane so we can escape that death trap."

https://babylonbee.com/news/survey-all-men-want-in-a-wife-is-a-woman-who-will-fight-off-invisible-lizard-people-on-the-plane-who-arent-real

"I'm pretty introverted, so I need a chick to speak up for me," said another man. "Like, if my mashed potatoes don't come out right, or if I've got a problem with our cell carrier's customer service. Or, if there's an invisible Lizard Space Lord on the airplane with us and I'm just too shy to speak up."

As it's the year 2023, "doesn't have a penis" also ranked highly on the list.

Is your wife being hysterical again? Do you need a sandwich ASAP, but the Mrs. is unreasonably upset? Watch this video for all the best techniques for calming her down.

21
Democrats Say It’ll Take A Lot More Than Eyewitness Testimony, Bank Records, Audio, Video, Complete Confessions For Them To Believe Biden Did Anything Wrong


WASHINGTON, D.C. — As evidence of bribery and corruption by the Biden family continues to mount, Democrat lawmakers in the nation's capital have expressed heavy skepticism, saying they will need a lot more than just eyewitnesses, financial records, audio and video recordings, and admissions of guilt from parties involved for them to believe any of it.

"Nah, I'm not buying it," said California Congressman Eric Swalwell. "If you're wanting me to believe President Biden and his family have been involved in a far-reaching money-for-favors scheme for years, you'll need to show me a lot more than rock-solid, irrefutable evidence. If the Biden family was corrupt, I think I would have heard about it from my Chinese spy girlfriend."

The Biden administration maintains absolute innocence, despite an ever-growing collection of evidence that would indicate otherwise. "The President and his family have done nothing wrong," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is a woman and also black and also gay. "It's completely normal for families to enrich themselves by selling political influence to foreign corporations and governments. Any assertion to the contrary is simply Republicans grasping at straws. Also, I will not be taking any more questions regarding bribery allegations."

As rumors swirled that additional audio recordings of President Biden accepting bribes may soon be released, Democrats continued to brush them off. "I see nothing wrong here," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "So he's on tape taking bribes. It's not like it proves he took bribes or something."

At publishing time, Republicans in Congress said they were waiting on several more truckloads of evidence before beginning impeachment proceedings.

Source: BabylonBee

22
Spin Zone / BabylonBee On Fire!
« on: July 26, 2023, 01:29:12 PM »
Biden Put Down After Biting Another Baby
https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-put-down-after-biting-another-baby

Secret Service Says Eight-Ball Of Cocaine Found In Courtroom Chair Hunter Was Sitting In Probably Left By Tour Group
https://babylonbee.com/news/secret-service-says-crack-found-in-courtroom-chair-hunter-was-sitting-in-probably-left-by-tour-group

Hunter Biden Plea Deal Falls Through After Bribery Check Bounces
POLITICS
https://babylonbee.com/news/hunter-biden-plea-deal-falls-through-after-bribery-check-bounces



24
https://babylonbee.com/news/new-white-house-janitor-gnter-hiden-arrives-to-clean-up-leftover-cocaine


WASHINGTON, D.C. — New White House janitor Günter Hiden received high marks for punctuality after arriving early Wednesday to clean up the leftover cocaine that had been previously discovered in the White House's famous West Wing.

"I've never seen someone so diligent," remarked White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "He discarded all the cocaine in a small plastic bag and then proceeded to scour the entire room to make sure no traces were left behind."

READ MORE

"What a pro."

Hiden said only, "Please, I'm no hero. I'm just a humble German immigrant trying to get my hands on some sweet crack. Uh, to clean up!"

According to sources, the janitor bears a striking resemblance to the president's son Hunter Biden but has a very thick handlebar mustache so it obviously can't be the same person. When questioned, the janitor only said he did not speak English because he is a "poor humble German from Germany." He then advised everyone to leave the White House while he searched the remaining rooms for some fresh powder.

At publishing time, Günter Hiden was seen leaving the White House with a serious case of the sniffles.

25
Spin Zone / Firing All Our Female Employees
« on: July 03, 2023, 03:27:36 PM »
Announcement: Now That Affirmative Action Is Illegal, We At The Babylon Bee Are Firing All Our Female Employees
THE BABYLON BEE
·
Jul 3, 2023 · BabylonBee.com



We were devastated last week to hear the Supreme Court overturned affirmative action, which has been used to help unfunny women obtain comedy writing positions for many years. Since we are always careful to comply with the law, we at The Babylon Bee have decided to part ways with all our female employees.

This is a difficult decision. We're outraged that in 2023, women still struggle to find work in comedy due to most of them not being funny at all. While we shared many laughs with our female writers, it was mostly because we thought they were cute and wanted them to like us.

It wasn't because they were funny or anything. They weren't.

Sometimes, we asked for their help when we were writing about women with questions like: "Hey, Cathy, is this what a woman would say?" but that's it. They may have written a few jokes, but we can't really remember.

While our hearts are heavy, we still have hope that one day America might live up to its ideals of equity, belonging, and diversity. We wish our female staff the best in their future efforts doing whatever it is women do.


28
Biden Says $10 Million Payment From Romania To His Cat Is Totally Legitimate
POLITICS
·
May 12, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a tense exchange with the press today, President Biden defended himself against charges of corruption and bribery, claiming that a recent $10 million payment to his cat Willow is "totally legitimate" and there's nothing weird about it at all.

"Listen, folks, it's none of my business what deals my cat is making around the world. I know nothing about it," said the President. "Willow is the smartest cat I know, and it doesn't surprise me to hear that he provided a totally real and legitimate and non-corrupt service to the Romanian government in exchange for millions of dollars which I'm sure was fully deserved and that I've never seen. I'm not corrupt. Do you think I'd be President if I was corrupt? Come on, man!"


Sources say the White House press pool let out a collective sigh of relief, happy that their concerns were so decisively laid to rest. "When the President says he did nothing wrong, you have to believe him," said recent Georgetown grad and White House Correspondent Krissy Persimmons. "That's just science."

Journalists were also told not to worry about the $3 million Ukrainian payment to Biden's dog Major, the $12 million Chinese payment to Dr. Jill, or the dead hooker found in the trunk of Biden's Corvette.

At publishing time, the White House cat was found dead of a self-inflicted hit-and-run.


29
Spin Zone / POA Non-inclusive! Closed thread.
« on: April 09, 2023, 07:19:19 AM »
Looks like a “AOC type” got her feelings hurt, ejected from POA! Good for POA, people like that are annoying.

https://www.pilotsofamerica.com/community/threads/non-inclusive.142385/

30
Spin Zone / Lock ‘em up!
« on: March 12, 2023, 04:12:15 PM »
Republican Kentucky Rep. James Comer said stonewalling from the Biden administration over business dealings has "unintentionally helped" Republicans.

https://www.foxnews.com/politics/rep-comer-biden-unintentionally-helped-gop-stonewalling-business-dealings

Explore the Fox News apps that are right for you at http://www.foxnews.com/apps-products/index.html.

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