CAUTION:  Satire


CHICAGO, IL — New airplane liveries aren’t the only change coming to United Airlines.  In the midst of a vast airline pilot shortage, United Airlines spokeswoman Janine Davidson announced earlier today that the airline is considering not offering new pilot positions to former Navy and Marine Aviators.  This comes in the wake of last week’s incident involving United Flight 2921 from Orlando to Milwaukee that left two passengers hospitalized and dozens of others stunned. The United Airlines Boeing 737 was piloted by two former Naval Aviators—an F/A-18C and E-2D pilot.

“The plane came down so hard, I soiled myself,” reported passenger Dale Gordons of Lake Okeechobee, FL.  United Flight Attendant Stacie Sommers, working aboard Flt 2921, recounts:  “There was a 27 year old college student in 12B who was crying hysterically.  I went over to help and noticed that his comfort gerbil was crushed under the weight of the obese man next to him when the plane touched down.  The other flight attendant rushed to the flight deck to see what happened and as the door opened, the pilots were high-fiving and making ‘one-wire’ jokes.”

United Airlines Chief Pilot, Jack McCann, understands that Naval Aviators fly jets that regularly touch down in excess of 800 feet per minute aboard their aircraft carriers.  “These rates of descent are just too hard on our passengers and too hard on our planes.  We try to train these tendencies out of them, but it’s a culture thing.  They’re brainwashed and it’s hard to teach old dogs new tricks.”
This seems to be the final straw to break the camel’s back.  Last month, United Airlines maintenance workers filed a formal grievance against seven pilots, all former Naval Aviators, who were caught opening panels and pre-flight inspecting their airplanes before their flights.  “It’s a clear gesture of distrust,” stated United Airlines Aircraft Mechanic Jason Dant.  Passengers are also becoming worried about safety practices when they see pilots clambering over their airplanes and inspecting them.
Shannon Kelsey, of Laguna Beach, CA doesn’t feel comfortable seeing airline pilots concerned over the plane’s status.  “It’s like seeing the barista at Starbucks sip your drink before serving it to you to make sure it’s actually a Java Frappuccino with vegan almond milk.  It makes me uncomfortable and a little offended.”
Former Marine Aviator Mike Highway just wants to make sure his aircraft is safe.  “I’m not sure what these freakin’ snowflakes are whining about.  How would you like to fly in a plane that’s probably been inspected by some 12-year old that just graduated from Embry Riddle, makes $9 an hour and lives with his mom?  I’m not signing for that s**t without double checking it.  I didn’t do it in the Fleet, and I ain’t doing that s**t now.”

As far as recruiting former military aviators, Davidson says she is encouraging more Air Force pilots to apply.  “Former Air Force pilots have been shown to gently guide their aircraft through the sky. They use the automated flight control assistance capabilities on our planes more regularly, and aren’t accustomed to performing hard carrier landings.  Air Force pilots also don’t perform pre-flight inspections and tend to be more team-oriented.  We prefer a trusting relationship between members of the United Airlines Team and show our valued passengers that our pilots are just as comfortable boarding alongside them from the airport jet-bridge.”

Fleet Aviation Gazette is awaiting comment from the Pilot’s Union at this time.

I actually find this amusing.  And it's even funnier considering its from a far left publication.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6985985/Obama-blamed-Hillary-2016-loss-scripted-soulless-campaign.html

https://townhall.com/columnists/kurtschlichter/2019/04/18/my-simple-effective-comprehensive-illegal-immigration-reform-plan-go-home-n2544913

Get out, illegals. Go home. Or don’t go home – I don’t care where you go. You just can’t stay here in America.

This is my elegant, uncomplicated comprehensive immigration reform plan. If we did not invite you in – if you didn’t have the basic courtesy and respect for this country to ask to come here, then get out. And don’t come back – if you snuck into America, you don’t get to come back.

It’s simple and fair. The fair part is important, because it’s about time that our immigration laws be fair to the only people who should matter when we make our policies – American citizens.

Yes, the goal of our immigration system should be one thing – to benefit American citizens. It may scandalize the elite to prioritize our own people, but that’s okay – in fact, I hope they run in 2020 on a platform of putting foreigners first.

In the meantime, the Big Bamboozle is coming back around again. It shows up every few years with a new name, but it’s always the same thing – a bogus promise to halt the illegal invasion facilitated by Democrats seeking replacement voters for you disobedient Normals and by Chamber of Commerce-types shilling for the big corporations that want an endless supply of pliable, obedient, and cheap labor.

It’s amnesty, and amnesty by any other name still stinks.

With more of the theoretical border getting erased by the day as tens of thousands of foreigners heed the call of the Democrats to march north (or overstay their visas), the Fredocons are sensing yet another opportunity to jam down their open borders agenda on an unwilling GOP base. They are already talking about trying to trick the Trump into signing on.

“Why, we can’t just seal the damn border up, Mr. President. See, we need ‘comprehensive immigration reform’ to solve the problem that a big concrete wall would fix but we wouldn’t give you.”

They say the real problem is millions of illegals on our soil living in the shadows. Of course, the problem is not a bunch of law-breaking foreigners on our soil having to live in the shadows. The problem is a bunch of law-breaking foreigners on our soil.

https://thefederalist.com/2019/04/17/expect-democrats-muellers-report-drops-thursday/

At some point on Thursday, Barr is going to release the redacted Mueller report to the public, and every Democrat in Congress is going to run to the nearest camera to declare the redacted information crucial to understanding Trump’s complicity in collusion and obstruction. There will be no acknowledgement of the direct quotes from the Mueller report reflecting what Barr put out in his summary, declaring no conspiracy or coordination.

There will be no acknowledgement, once the evidence of obstruction against Trump turns out to be 90 percent tweets and public statements, that there’s no “there” there. And there will be no acknowledgement that the Steele dossier and every subsequent anonymously sourced bombshell alleging collusion between Trump and Russia is thoroughly debunked in the Mueller report.

From Thursday onward, we’re going to be talking about redactions. If the report reads: “After dedicating two years to examining every allegation, interviewing every witness, reviewing every communication of everyone involved, and summoning the collective might of the entire U.S. intelligence apparatus to support our investigation, we found no evidence to support conspiracy or cooperation between Trump or his campaign and the Russians,” we would undoubtedly hear from Adam Schiff, Eric Swalwell, and all of cable news that the redaction invalidated the conclusion of no conspiracy or cooperation.

Take it as a matter of faith that Democrats and left-leaning media will completely reject the Mueller report, despite being able to read for themselves the same exculpatory sentences Barr included in his summary, and claim that the redactions either hid horrific and collusive behavior by Trump and his campaign associates, or left open the possibility that Barr improperly redacted impeachable behavior that didn’t reach the threshold of “beyond a reasonable doubt” but may well meet congressional standards for impeachment.

https://thefederalist.com/2019/04/15/democrats-freaked-barr-said-trump-campaign-spied/

There are two reasons the political media establishment is growing increasingly hostile towards Attorney General William Barr: First, he serves under President Donald Trump. Second, he is not only the messenger of the demise of the Russiagate conspiracy theory that the Deep State and its aiders, abettors, and enablers in the political media establishment worked so hard to perpetuate, but he could also be the source of the demise of the establishment itself, if he ends up exposing their whole sordid affair.

Should Barr conduct a thorough investigation of the Russiagate investigators, and the associated leakers and colluders, and dispense justice to the fullest extent of the law, it would drive a stake through the heart of the establishment writ large by demolishing the unjust system of double standards from which it has benefited, while punishing its foes.

The latest round of handwringing over the attorney general superficially concerns the utter gall he exhibited by revealing a verboten truth before a Senate Appropriations subcommittee—a truth Americans have known for months: The U.S. government spied on the Trump campaign.

https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2019-04-12/there-porn-tax-your-future

One recent effort is in my home state of Arizona. Republican state senator Gail Griffin has introduced HB 2444, the "Human Trafficking and Child Exploitation Prevention Act." The bill would require any manufacturer or supplier of any product that provides access to the Internet to block residents of Arizona from accessing adult content. The filters would need to block all forms of porn and “any hub that facilitates prostitution.”

The only way that those living in our fair state could have uncensored Internet access would be to prove they are at least 18 years old and pay a $20 unblocking fee to the state. Revenues from fees would go into a fund called the John McCain Human Trafficking Fund. The fund would make grants for projects that "uphold community standards of decency." The highest-priority grant would be to help pay for construction costs in Arizona of President Trump’s proposed wall along the US-Mexico border. This seems odd, since McCain criticized the border wall.

It's a start:

https://dailycaller.com/2019/04/12/office-personnel-management-trump/

The White House is moving to dissolve the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) and reorganize the agency’s responsibilities into three existing departments in order to “drive what is needed to support the mission in all of government.”

“When we really look at the need for government overall, and we looked at the [OPM’s] design to support those needs, there was a fundamental structural misalignment between the challenges of today around our workforce and what OPM was conditioned to do,” Margaret Weichert, deputy director for management at the Office of Management and Budget and acting OPM director, told The Daily Caller News Foundation on Thursday.

The agency was formed in 1979 and tasked with managing the government’s civilian workforce, which includes healthcare, insurance and retirement benefits, as well as oversight and human resources policies for federal employees.