I followed him in the news, a great gentleman.

And speaking of cigars and longevity.  When George Burns was well into his 90's, he was a guest on Johnny Carson.  Of course George was smoking a cigar.

Johnny: "George, you smoke several of those a day?"

George: "Yes, yes I do"

Johnny: "What does your doctor say about that?"

George: "I dunno, he's dead."

I'm throwing it in because if the president wanted this over the last two years, when Republicans controlled both chambers of Congress, he could've worked harder on it than he has. It's now the 11th hour, a "shut down" (such as it is) looms, Republicans lose the House in January and along with it any shot at a border wall, and he said earlier this week that he wouldn't sign the budget, then he would, now he won't again. He's meeting with Senate Republicans this morning. This is something he should've done well before now.

 

 Where have you been for the past two years??  And how many times has your hero, your "pure conservative" Paul Ryan kicked the can down the road?  And how many times has McConnell pulled the wall budget back and told us "now is not the time"?

 And Trump has pounded on them to get this done, over and over.

 You can't accept that your icons led by Ryan and McConnell had a golden opportunity and fucked it all up.   Put the fuckin' blame on those who actually own it.

Two priests leave a restaurant after having a nice dinner and wine together. As they're driving down the road they come up to a police roadblock.

A policeman approaches their vehicle with a flashlight and taps on the window motioning to roll it down. "Evening!" says the officer.

"Good evening officer - what seems to be the trouble"? asks the 1st priest in the drivers seat.

"We're looking for a couple of pedophiles", the officer explained.

The 1st priest rolls up his window as the police officer watches him have a discussion with the 2nd priest in the passenger seat. The officer, waiting patiently starts to become concerned because their conversation seemed to never end.

Finally, the window rolls down, and the 1st priest says.

"Okay, when do we start"?

All I can say is if the scouts would have made me anything like you guys I am forever grateful to the all-father Odin I stayed well clear.

You would have been a major failure as a scout, for sure.

A Scout is Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent.

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and
mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party!"

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Johnny picks up Jenny for their date and they head to the town carnival. After some popcorn and carnival games, Johnny asks her what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed” says Jenny.

Off to the scale they go.

After a few more games and food, Johnny again asks what she’d like to do next. “I wanna get weighed!” says Jenny a little more emphatically.

Off to the scale they go again.

This happens a third and a fourth time that evening.

Slightly frustrated, Johnny drops Jenny off back at her house.

Jenny walls in the door and her mother asks “how was your date”?

“WOWSIE”! Screams Jenny

The Final Exam …

There were four seniors taking Microbiology and all of them had an ‘A’ so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Butte and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday
and didn’t make it back to Montana State University in Bozeman until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

Professor Olesnicki agreed they could make up the final the next day.
The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day Professor Olesnicki placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy … then they turned the page…

On the second page was written…

For 95 points:

Which Tire? _________

I plead guilty to loving my wife. 

That isn't a crime, but sometimes when she spouts her liberal bullshit, I think it should be.

But I love her anyway.